Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

In India’s version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Jamal Malik (Dev Patel of the first two seasons of UK’s “Skins”), an uneducated 18-year-old, goes as far as one question away from winning 20 million rupees. At the opening scene of the movie, we are poised with the question: How did he do it?

A. He cheated.
B. He’s lucky.
C. He’s a genius.
D. It is written.

By the end of the movie, the answer will be revealed.

Slumdog Millionaire is yet another brilliant directorial work by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Trainspotting, The Beach). Based on the novel “Q&A” by Vikas Swarup, the story starts with Jamal being questioned by the police regarding his easy climb towards becoming a multimillionaire. Jamal goes on to describe how every question is related to events in his life, which mostly involve his hard-hitting brother and the love of his life. The story effectively builds up to an intense climax where viewers all over India freeze in front of televisions everywhere (like a Manny Pacquiao boxing tournament for Filipinos), anticipating Jamal’s win, with the one last question which, albeit relevant to him when he was young, he does not know the answer of at all. His only resolution: Call a friend. And in another intense sequence, the person who answers the call gives him the best answer to the one life-long question that had been kept unanswered until that night—and only in a matter of 30 seconds (the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire rule).

I do not wish to give everything away, but the movie ends like a breath of fresh air. Sure, all the feel-good elements are there, but it still has the Danny Boyle touch. It has every chance at becoming a cliché, but it does not go there.

Slumdog Millionaire is probably the best movie I’ve seen this year (not counting of course that black-and-white classics that I’m getting myself acquainted with). This movie just makes you want hug the person you’re watching with and greet him/her a Happy New Year, regardless of what time of the year you watched it. Hell, I watched the movie days ago with my sister, and since I’m not the loving big brother type, I just smiled at her. Hence, I’m making up for it in this quasi-review.

Hugs, everyone! And Happy New Year!

Slumdog Millionaire. Directed by Danny Boyle. Co-director, India: Loveleen Tandan. Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy, based on the novel by Vikas Swarup. Starring: Dev Patel, Freida Pinto, Madhur Mittal, et al.

Photo taken from IMDB.com

Lead Character Learns How to Cook

(Season One, Episode 08)

Before today, LEAD CHARACTER has never cooked anything real, unless you count scrambled eggs and instant noodles with egg real. (Hmmm... in a way, LEAD CHARACTER has a fascination with eggs.) LEAD CHARACTER has always wanted to learn how to cook something real, or something that takes more than 15 minutes to cook. He asked his MOTHER before if she could teach him her own treatment of Estufado, but they both never had the time.

But since it's a long Christmas vacation, LEAD CHARACTER figures that this might be the perfect time to learn how to cook. So he searches online for a recipe of your traditional, everyday pancakes, after which he goes to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.

Half-way through his cooking, LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel exhausted. But he pushes on. This has got to be a feat that anyone can manage.

Finally, he produces his very first pancake.


And soon enough, he finishes one complete with butter and maple syrup. Both his MOTHER and FATHER taste it. They smirk at LEAD CHARACTER then proceed to watching the evening news. Yes, LEAD CHARACTER cooked the pancakes at dusk. And whatever his parents' smirk meant, LEAD CHARACTER will never know.
Tomorrow, LEAD CHARACTER will try cooking Seared Ostrich Filet with Heirloom Tomato Risotto and Abalone Reduction. But if it turns out his company no longer has the ostriches in their cages, he will try instead cooking Sweet Black Chicken and Salty Geoduck nestled with Quinoa and Two Cucumber Ribbons.
Happy New Year everyone!

Sheer Torture

Waiting for the next season.

Grammar Weekly - Quotation Marks

While on a cab, Lead Character and his friends engaged in an argument regarding proper punctuation when quotation marks are involved. The argument was inspired by an email trail started by Lead Character's Canada-based friend DropDeadGorgeous, who inquired about the particular subject matter. Lead Character and his friends never did find closure for their argument, because his friends didn't believe him when he said that periods are always inside quotation marks, even with a novel to back him up. Now armed with references, Lead Character would like to impart the following facts:

Commas and periods are always inside quotation marks, no matter how logic dictates it.

"Dirty Sexy Money," "Fringe," "True Blood," and "Gossip Girl" are a few of the TV shows that Lead Character enjoys watching these days.

"I regret always coming in late for my Stat 102 classes," Lead Character said.

Lead Character is currently training himself to be "vegetarian."

Question marks and exclamation points are placed as per logic.

Is Lead Character serious about his ambition to turn "vegetarian"?

It can't be! He's a frickin' "carnivore"!

Please note that these rules are American English. If you want to write the British-English way, that's your problem.

References:
"Elements of Style," by William Strunk and E.B. White
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
http://www.whitesmoke.com/punctuation-quotation-marks-titles-conventions.html

Chopping Green Tomatoes

(Season One, Episode 07)

It’s almost noon and LEAD CHARACTER can see an ice cream vendor outside the window blowing the horns out of his bicycle-driven drum of ice cream. LEAD CHARACTER recoils at the noise. His head is pounding, his mouth dry, and his ass sore (though in a good way). He chugs on a bottle of water to quench his gargantuan (hehe, gargantuan) thirst. Then the young man with a FLAT STOMACH enters the room.

FLAT STOMACH: My boardmates are still in the sala. Do you mind waiting for a coupla more minutes?

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head weakly): It’s fine. Just let me know when it’s OK to go outside because I really need to use your communal bathroom. My bladder is about to explode.

Yes, aside from the headache and the thirst and the ass-soreness, LEAD CHARACTER has been holding his pee for almost two hours. The previous night had been too irresponsible for him to recover from; bottles of Red Horse paraded like ants in his midst.

FLAT STOMACH then sits on the bed behind LEAD CHARACTER and spoons him.

FLAT STOMACH: I want a boyfriend. Will you be my boyfriend?

LEAD CHARACTER, out of politeness, giggles.

LEAD CHARACTER: That won’t be right. We don’t even know each other.

FLAT STOMACH: Why? Don’t you want a boyfriend? I want a boyfriend. I want someone to talk to.

LEAD CHARACTER: Why? Don’t you talk to your friends?

FLAT STOMACH: But I can’t hug my friends like this… (hugs Lead Character tight). And I can’t kiss them like this… (kisses Lead Character’s nape)

LEAD CHARACTER stops himself from gagging.

LEAD CHARACTER: Sorry. Relationships aren’t my thing.

FLAT STOMACH: Will you find me a boyfriend then?

LEAD CHARACTER (mental voice-over): Sure. In return, find me a beating heart for myself.

At this point, because of his own mental voice-over, LEAD CHARACTER gags. He holds the vomit from exploding out of his mouth then swallows it.

LEAD CHARACTER: Look, I really need to go.

So FLAT STOMACH heads back out of the room. In a few moments, he comes back and tells LEAD CHARACTER that it’s already safe to leave.

They sneak out of FLAT STOMACH’S boarding house after LEAD CHARACTER has peed a bucketful in the bathroom. Before hopping on a jeepney, FLAT STOMACH asks for his number. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want to give it, but he reconsiders “why the hell not” since he likes FLAT STOMACH’s flat stomach. It’s something that he doesn’t have.

LEAD CHARACTER sleeps the jeepney ride off from the one-hour-away-from-Ayala area to Ayala. After an hour, he arrives at Ayala. He then heads straight to the jeepney terminal where he realizes that he’s too hungry to get on another jeepney. So he goes to the Shawarma stand.

LEAD CHARACTER: One Shawarma, please. (Extends his one-hundred peso bill.)

SHAWARMA VENDOR: Do you have a smaller bill? I just started my day. I don’t have change for that.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head): No, I only have this amount. I wish to god Shiva that I had the exact amount of twenty-five pesos, but I don’t.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then shrugs his shoulder and proceeds to chopping green tomatoes. LEAD CHARACTER is appalled. He waits for SHAWARMA VENDOR to turn back to him to make him his Shawarma, and perhaps do the initiative of asking for change from the next stall, but SHAWARMA VENDOR doesn’t. A GUY then comes to buy Shawarma. The guy hands SHAWARMA VENDOR a twenty-peso bill and a five-peso coin. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for the GUY.

LEAD CHARACTER: How about mine?

SHAWARMA VENDOR: I still have no change for your hundred pesos.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then turns his back again at LEAD CHARACTER and continues chopping them green tomatoes.

Two middle-aged LADIES then come by to buy two Shawarmas. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for them. At this point, LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying. He makes a mental note to call Persian Palate to report the asshole.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaky voice): So I’m guessing you’ll have change after this?

SHAWARMA VENDOR simply looks LEAD CHARACTER in the eye then goes back to preparing Shawarma for the two middle-aged LADIES.

LEAD CHARACTER plans to go ahead and order Shawarma anyway but then leave after SHAWARMA VENDOR has made it. He also considers just leaving, because his head is pounding and he’s thirsty again. But then, in an act of desperation, for not knowing how exactly to hurt SHAWARMA VENDOR the way SHAWARMA VENDOR has hurt his feelings, LEAD CHARACTER squeezes the middle-aged ladies’ breasts then runs away.

The End

Were They Serious?

Angelica Panganiban's character (AP): Blood is thicker than canal water.

Claudine Baretto's character (CB): Blood may be thicker than water, pero sino naman ang may gusto ng infected blood... blood na infected ng HIV virus.

AP: Good luck, bitch.

CB: May the best bitch win.

Seriously! I'm not kidding! Something like that was exchanged on TV. I had to stay up late cleaning up puke on the floor.

(Photo taken from http://iisapalamangseries.blogspot.com/.)

Lead Character’s Top Ten Favorite TV Quotes

This list does not necessarily reflect literary genius or life-changing profundity; just the power with which the lines were delivered relative to the characters who said them and the characters they said them to and the situations the characters were in. To put this more bluntly, this is really just about how much they had an effect on Lead Character.

10
“Destiny is a fickle bitch.”
- Ben Linus to John Locke, Lost

9
“So the thumpa thumpa continues. It always will. No matter what happens. No matter who is President. As our Lady of Disco, the divine Ms Gloria Gaynor has sung to us: We will survive.”
- Michael Novotny, Queer as Folk

8
“Hi, um, Scotty, it’s-it’s Kevin, your least favorite Martian. Look, I’ve been on your planet for 34 years and I still get a lot of things wrong like about, um, money and work and people and life and love. Everything. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I think you’re amazing and funny and cute as hell and I just hope that someday, I don’t know, maybe three Martian years from now because our years are longer than yours, maybe I could be worthy of your human love and respect, whether we’re together or not.”
- Kevin Walker to Scotty Wandell (over the phone), Brothers & Sisters

7
“The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.”
- Ally McBeal, Ally McBeal

6
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she’s really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."
- Meredith Grey to Derek Shepherd, Grey’s Anatomy

5
“I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me... Spanning years and continents, lives ruined, bloodshed... Epic!... But summer's almost here and we won't see each other again. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over. I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over... Noone writes songs about the ones that come easy.”
- Logan Echolls to Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars

4
“The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts.”
- Don Draper to Rachel Menken, Mad Men

3
“When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”
- Spike to Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

2
"I just wanna reach over and... But I also want to do nothing, because I wanna make sure I know you for as long as I can without fucking it up... which is, like, my special superpower. That's why I don't want to touch you. That's pretty much verbatim, moment for moment, what I was thinking when I was looking at you with the weirdness. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable. You'll never be able to see yourself the way other people see you. The way I see you. Which is a shame. Because you are... I really think you have no idea how beautiful you are."
- Billy Chenowith to Claire Fisher, Six Feet Under

1
“I, Ross, take thee Rachel.”
- Ross Gellar, Friends

Turning 22

(Note from the creator: This is the "pre-air" episode—then of short film "format"—of The Lead Character Chronicles—the one that started it all. Since we're out of new episodes, I guess a repost will do for now.)

This motion picture has been modified from its original version to fit the screen.

9 AM. Our lead character reads a good three pages of Frank McCourt’s “Angela’s Ashes” before he empties his cup of chocolate sundae. He’s had breakfast twice at home, but he decided nonetheless to drop by a nearby Jollibee branch to order an upsized ‘value meal’ and a chocolate sundae. After his sacrilegious third breakfast, he goes to a nearby barbershop to vacillate between getting his head shaved again and getting no haircut at all. He wants to grow his hair long, as he’s done three times before, but at the same time he does not like how his hair has presently grown.

Our lead character decides to get a normal haircut. The normal haircut turns out to be devastating on the back portion. He does not know that until he meets up with a friend a couple of hours later.

A couple of hours later, he meets up with Braille, a friend. He owes Braille some money, which is why they have to meet up. Our lead character and Braille hang out at Ecila, an outdoor restobar (I believe) with a quasi-Parisian feel at Ayala. Its patio faces Starbucks so whatever Parisian feel it has dissolves after a split second. He orders a bottle of San Mig Light and she orders shake. They chat while he smokes about five sticks of Dunhill cigarettes. Our lead character usually enjoys a pack of Dunhill cigarettes every payday. After that pack, he switches back to Marlboro reds.

1 PM. Another friend arrives: Vanessa. Vanessa tells our lead character that his haircut is devastating on the back portion. Our lead character makes a mental note to have his haircut redone the next day. Braille then leaves the two to meet up with her boyfriend.

At this point, our lead character shares that he does not know whether or not he should host some sort of birthday party that night. His birthday is the next day yet, but that night is the only feasible night for him to host some sort of party. He calls up his friend Timothy to check if he could join them that evening. Timothy cannot as he has to defend his thesis the next day. Our lead character tries contacting his other friends. Only two of them can make it—Debbie and Hope. Kristine has work so he does not bother contacting her. Kenneth cannot be contacted. Joy does not answer any of his calls. And Cecil and Mae have some errands to run.

Nonetheless, our lead character decides to host a tiny party that night for the benefit of Vanessa. There is a possibility that Jefferson, a boy that Vanessa was infatuated with, may be able to join.

2 PM. An officemate by the name of Analyn drops by to hand our lead character some money. The money is owed to him by another officemate. Our lead character asks Analyn who else are with her. She says the rest of the sweepers* and that their plan is to have lunch at Big Mao. He tells her that maybe he’ll drop by in a little while to say hello.

2.30 PM. Our lead character orders another bottle of San Mig Light. Two other officemates drop by. First is Cyndee, who is on her way to a job interview. Second is Carina, whose name our lead character forgets. Vanessa takes the liberty to re-introduce our lead character to Carina. After the re-introduction, Carina lingers in their company to chat nonstop.

3 PM. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character decide to have lunch. As our lead character promised, he drops by Big Mao to say hello to the sweepers. Big Mao is a Chinese restaurant with an oddly Korean feel to it. Vanessa and Carina follow suit and they decide to just have their lunch there. They order some bacon wrapped treasures and siomai and Yangchow rice (I think). After a few minutes, Cyndee arrives from her job interview and orders another dish—crispy pancit canton. Our character gets so full that he feels like throwing up. After lunch, our lead character, Vanessa, Carina, and Cyndee walk around the mall. Cyndee decides to have her picture taken at Picture City. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character stop by Penshoppe where our lead character mistakes the fabric steamer for a vacuum cleaner.

Left with no other place to go to, they go back to Ecila. They wait for Debbie and Hope to arrive before heading off to LUVU2, formerly known as U2. A lot of things happen while they wait at Ecila. Firstly, they chat. Secondly, Vanessa orders a slice of carrot cake. Thirdly, Joy confirms that she will be catching up with them whilst they nibble on the carrot cake that Vanessa ordered. Lastly, Carina goes home to drop some things off then comes back.

Debbie and Hope then arrive. Debbie tells our lead character that she likes his haircut. When she sees the back portion, she says, “Except for that.”

Debbie and Hope then leave for a while to have dinner. Cyndee, Vanessa, and our lead character start taking pictures using our lead character’s camera phone. It is not exactly our lead character’s camera phone. He considers the keypad his, but the rest of the phone is owned for now by the credit card company.

9 PM. Our lead character, Vanessa, Debbie, Hope, Cyndee, and Carina arrive at LUVU2. It is a videoke bar with a normal videoke bar feel to it. Our lead character is disappointed that not all of his close friends are there. He aches for a time in history when he and the rest of his close friends could hang out anytime they wanted to. He starts yearning for that particular level of laughter only he and his close friends share. He starts the evening by singing ‘King of Pain’ by Sting because our lead character is melodramatic that way.

10 PM. Joy arrives and helps out Vanessa and our lead character sing ‘Quit Playing Games’ by the Backstreet Boys.

10.07 PM. Jefferson sends Vanessa a text message saying that he cannot make it.

10.11 PM. Our lead character thinks that it has been a long time since he has written a poem.

10.30 PM. Bien arrives. He is another officemate. In reality, he is a former officemate. Just like Cyndee. Bien and Cyndee just resigned but our lead character is still in denial.

As a birthday gift, our lead character requests each of his friends to sing a birthday song for him. Debbie, with her soulful voice, sings ‘Uninvited’ by Alanis Morissette. Joy sings ‘I Don’t Want to Wait’ by Paula Cole much like Paula Cole does, but with a touch of Air Supply. Vanessa, in her own Indie rock rendition, sings “I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ by Whitney Houston. Bien, because he can sing the song very well, sings ‘I’ll Be Over You’ by Toto.

As initiated by Carina, our lead character then closes his eyes while Carina lights up two lighters in front of him. Our lead character makes a wish. He is spiteful because it is supposedly an unimportant wish but he cannot help prioritizing it. Our lead character opens his eyes and blows the two lit lighters.

10:55 PM. Debbie hurries to the office as she has work at 11.00 PM. Our lead character feels bad that he may be causing her to come in late. He does not want her to be late. Tardiness has caused his life a lot of hell and he wants to have Debbie stay unmarred by the type of hell he’s suffered.

11.30 PM. Our lead character says to himself, “I should have been dead by now, I should have been dead by now....”

12.00 MN. Our lead character, according to the calendar, has turned 22. He realizes that a lot of things are too overdue for him to be thankful he’s lived another year. To close the evening, he sings ‘Be My Number 2’ by Joe Jackson for no particular reason. He pays the bill and asks his friends if he should tip the waitress, who remains standing behind him after giving him the change. His friends say don’t. Our lead character wonders why he has to ask his friends whether or not he should tip the waitress when he himself is against tipping.

End.

* Sweepers is the term used for call center agents who work at “day’s end.” They are the ones that are required to answer all the calls on queue before the bridge is closed so no more calls will get to their site.

Impulse in the Time of Flatulence

(Season One, Episode 06)

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel it while on a jeepney on the way to Mango Square: something clawing from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon, a feeling of utter discomfort. Now, he couldn’t tell yet if it’s a lump of sharp air or a mound of fecal matter. What he knows is he has to keep his rectum closed lest something unpleasant will unveil itself on a public transportation.

He finally reaches Mango Square after what seemed like 3 years. He immediately runs to the R-Biz boutique where a financial transaction takes place. After getting his money, LEAD CHARACTER feels that the clawing force that settled in his Sigmoid Colon may have dissipated thin already, thus making it manageable to let out, so he goes to an empty corner and releases it. Yes, it’s just air, thankfully.

LEAD CHARACTER then makes his way to the mall’s exit until it occurs to him he has money in his pocket. This is one of his weaknesses. Even if he has money that’s intended for more important matters (i.e., bills, bills, bills), he always has to urge to spend some of it. So he drops by National Bookstore to see if there’s a book he can buy. LEAD CHARACTER wants to go back to reading fiction again, as the last books he’s read have been all non-fiction. He vacillates between the first Gossip Girl book and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. He’s worried, though, that he might not enjoy Gossip Girl as he’s already seen the first season of the TV adaptation, and the first book has been pretty much covered already by the TV series, so he considers Twilight. For this, he also has trouble deciding since he’s been getting feedback from friends that it’s nothing but this season’s Harry Potter for college kids, not to mention the allegedly cringe-worthy love quotes in it. So he goes to the Philippine Literature section to see if there’s something he could pick up. It then occurs to him that he has backlogs at home, books that he’s either only half-read or not read yet at all, and they’ve been waiting for him to pick them up. If he really wants fiction, he can just head straight home and pick one of those books up. But no, there’s money in his pocket so he has to spend some of it.



And then suddenly, it started again—that clawing force slithering its way from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon. This time there really is no telling if it’s just air or the tangible supply of his digestive system. He goes to the back shelves, in between the Sci-Fi and the Classic Literature sections. With all the strength his anus could absorb from his entire body, he attempts to stop the discharge.

He fails.

A trail of thick, tube-like lump of musty air makes its way through his jeans to all of the A-F Bestsellers shelves.

Weakened by the feat, he staggers his way out of the shelves then picks a random book up along the way. While in line for the cashier, he realizes he’s picked Chuck Palahniuk’s Rant. He’s not familiar with Palahniuk’s work. He didn’t even see Fight Club. But the movie Choke has been getting some sort of hype so maybe Mr. Palahniuk is not a bad read after all.

LEAD CHARACTER goes home and reads the first few pages of Rant in the toilet. This book is funny in a promising way, he tells himself as he holds his breath for yet another solid deposit.

Morning News

(Season One, Episode 05)

It’s a crisp Monday morning. LEAD CHARACTER wakes up early to have his early-morning fix of oatmeal, coffee, rice, pork chop, chop suey, and Coke. He goes online while having his breakfast. From the corner of his eyes, he sees his mother staring at him.

MOTHER: Lead Character, go get ready for work!

LEAD CHARACTER chooses to ignore his mother and blog-hops instead.

MOTHER: You’re going to be late! Get your ass moving!

LEAD CHARACTER shakes his head and pulls up WMP to play his early morning playlist: Tori Amos, Jason Mraz, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna…

MOTHER: Why won’t you listen to me?! You’re going to be late and you’ll end up taking a cab again!!!

LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and slams the mouse hard on the desk.

LEAD CHARACTER: Will you please get off my back?!

MOTHER (pinching LEAD CHARACTER on the waist): Are you raising your voice at me?

LEAD CHARACTER: Alright, alright! I’m taking a shower!

LEAD CHARACTER stands up and heads straight to the bathroom.

LEAD CHARACTER (under his breath): Bitch!

He doesn’t like it if his morning is ruined because of his mother’s early-morning banter-cum-reprimand. He wants his mother to just let him be. If he gets to work late, then that’s his problem. It’s times like these that he wishes he moved out of the house already. But at 25, he feels that he hasn’t grown up enough yet to be responsible for himself and himself alone. He wishes he were a Gossip Girl character so it’d be easier to scheme against his family, his mother especially, for being too noisy early in the morning.

So he turns on the faucet in the bathroom to store up some water in the pail. Their water tank is so low-tech that there isn’t enough pressure for water to flow properly through their shower nozzle. If he chooses to shower, it’d only be like showering under a drizzle.

LEAD CHARACTER (singing while shampooing): What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence….

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): (something inaudible for Lead Character)

LEAD CHARACTER (annoyed): What?!

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): It’s your (inaudible word). He’s (another inaudible word).

LEAD CHARACTER turns the faucet off.

LEAD CHARACTER: What the fuck did you say?

MOTHER: It’s your grandfather. He died just this morning.

LEAD CHARACTER (ghost-white): Oh.

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel depressed. He thinks of the times he’s yelled at his MOTHER for the very little things. And now he thinks about how his MOTHER lost her mother a few years back. And now it’s his MOTHER’S father. He believes his MOTHER can now be termed as an orphan.

LEAD CHARACTER steps out of the bathroom and takes a peek at his MOTHER in the living room. Her eyes are wet and red and her mouth, a heavy frown. LEAD CHARACTER feels the urge to hold his MOTHER, to tell her he loves her, and that he’s there for her, but he isn’t one who goes for the sentimental. So he stands from a distance and attempts a consoling smile, as if to apologize for yelling at her earlier.

His MOTHER sniffles and wipes away tears as she continues to talk on the phone, telling a close friend that her father just died.

"In Memory of Lolo Togo"
I remember you as the sweetest grandfather one could hope for.

Lead Character's Acceptance Speech

“Geez… this is just so unexpected. To win Outstanding Fictional Character on the Web is just… wow… I never dreamed of this. I don’t think anyone ever dreamed of this.

“Before anything else, I would like to congratulate Tina Fey for nabbing both awards in Acting and Writing. I guess I should thank you for being an inspiration to me, for always making me laugh, especially for your Sarah Palin impersonation, and for creating the character Liz Lemon, who eats as much as I do.

“I would also like to congratulate the Emmy voters for finally waking up to their senses and awarding ‘Mad Men’—one helluva exquisite show—with the Oustanding Drama Series trophy. I would like to question, though, why Michael Emerson didn’t nab the Supporting Actor award. When Alex (on ‘Lost’) was killed in front of Ben, I thought that Mr. Emerson delivered one fine performance that even deserved a lifetime achievement award. I also question why that ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ guy won Best Actor in a Drama. I didn’t even know a show such as ‘Breaking Bad’ exists. I really think the award should’ve gone to the consistently brilliant Hugh Laurie, or the intense Michael C. Hall, or the nuanced Jon Hamm. But, no, you had to award it to someone I don’t give a fig about—although that guy was OK during his ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ years.

“That being said, I’m still grateful for this award, even if there were no other nominees competing with me, and that you didn’t include this on the program earlier. It did hurt me a bit that the presenter that you chose for this award was Clay Aiken, as if you guys wanted to make a statement.

“Anywho, I would like to take this moment now to acknowledge Super Inday2x, a superheroine who will have her own segment on my show soon, and to my creator: the infamous and not-so-narcissistic ryeisdead, who’s still depressed over what’s been happening in their household.

“And last but not the least, I would like to thank… please, don’t play the music yet… wait… I’m not done yet… I would like to thank my agent—“

MICROPHONE OFF

SCREEN TO BLACK

Enemy's Lair, part 2

(Season One, Episode 04)

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside LEAD CHARACTER.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

From hereon, VIOLATOR 2 will be referred to as URINATOR.

VIOLATOR 1 leaves. URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER are then called over by MUSTACHED GUY.

MUSTACHED GUY: Here’s the thing. You have to pay Php500 within 7 days. If you don’t, the CESET Office will file a case against you.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER nod together. LEAD CHARACTER considers not paying. After all, he has a friend whose father is a lawyer. If they want war, they’ll get war. But then again, LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want the publicity. Perhaps his war should be fought in a more furtive manner.

MUSTACHED GUY: Now, all you need to do is pay Teller 3 then come back here to hand me the receipt.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER hurry to the next building where Teller 3 is situated. On their way, LEAD CHARACTER grabs URINATOR'S arm.

URINATOR: What?

LEAD CHARACTER: I want to know where this is going….

URINATOR (cocking his head): What do you mean?

LEAD CHARACTER: I mean us. The question of ‘us.’ You can’t deny that we now have a connection.

URINATOR (taking a step backwards): You’re crazy.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head excitedly): No, I’m not. You don’t get it….

URINATOR: What don’t I get?

LEAD CHARACTER (overflowing with conviction): The City Hall is our enemy. It singled both of us out. We have to fight back. (He shakes URINATOR by the shoulders.) We have to destroy it before it destroys us! We have to fight this thing together!

URINATOR (shaking his head): I’m going to Teller 3. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t.

LEAD CHARACTER retreats to a nearby electrical post and sobs. It saddens him that he has no one to fight his battle with. He looks up, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Looking at the shrinking figure of URINATOR as he walks away, LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and promises to brave through his battles alone.

He lights a cigarette and tails URINATOR.

(Note: The original Multiply version is a lot longer. The creator has decided to cut this episode in half because there's nothing much in the original ending, anyway.)

Anorexia Nervosa in Bulgarian Bees

For 30 years now, The Bookseller, a British magazine, has been awarding books with the oddest book titles with the Diagram Prize. This year, for their 30th anniversary, they awarded 1978 winner Greek Rural Postment and Their Cancellation Numbers (edited by Derek Willan, 1995) with the "Diagram of Diagrams" Prize.

The other night, Christabelle, Debbie and I went through a list of odd book titles and we came up with a unanimous favorite: Anorexia Nervosa in Bulgarian Bees, n.d.

As for me, I have the following other favorites:

• Woodcarving with a Chainsaw; n.d.
• Knitting With Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You'll Never Meet, by Kendall Crolius; 2005 (St Martin's Griffin)
• Gymnastics for Horses; n.d.
• Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (various authors); 1978 (University of Tokyo Press) *Diagram Prize Winner!
• Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926
• Tea Bag Folding; 2001 (Search Press)
• Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970
• Proceedings of the 18th International Seaweed Symposium; 2006
• My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971
• Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment; 1887
• The Baby Jesus Touch and Feel Book, by Linda Parry, Alan Parry (Illustrator); 1995
• 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.d.
• Highlights in the History of Concrete, by Slough; 1998 (Cement & Concret Assoc.); *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Coming Disaster Worse Than the H-bomb, Astronomically, Geologically and Scientifically Proven. The Coal Beds, Ice Ages, Tides, and Coming Soon, a Great Wave and Flood Caused by a Shift of the Axis of the Earth From the Gyroscopic Action of Our Solar System; 1954. Washington, DC
• On Sledge and Horseback to Outcast Siberian Lepers, by Kate Marsden, Eric Newby; 2001
• Do-it-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and People, by Dale Power, Jeffrey B. Snyder; 1997
• People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders and What To Do About It, by Gary Leon Hill; 2005 (Weiser Books); *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How to Pick Pockets. A Treatise on the Fundamental Principle, Theory and Practice of Picking Pockets; n.d.
• The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution, by Barbara Sherman Heyl; 1979; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• A Toddler's Guide to the Rubber Industry, by D. Lowe; n.d.
• The Benefits of Farting Explained; 1727
• Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention; 1912
• Scurvy Past and Present, by Alfred Hess; 1982
• Nasal Maintenance: Nursing Your Nose Through Troubled Times, by William Alan Stuart; 1983
• The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking, by Tom Mopnahan; 2002 (Wiley)
• Psoriasis at Your Fingertips; n.d.
• Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts, by Donald L. Wilson; 1984; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How To Become a Schizophrenic, by John Modrow; 1992
• What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter; 1982 (Grindle Press)
• How To Avoid Huge Ships, by John W. Trimmer; 1992; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How To Write a How To Write Book; 2007
• Recollections of Squatting in Victoria; 1833
• I Was Hitler's Maid; 1953
• Wrestling for Gay Guys; 1994
• Lesbian Nuns, Breaking the Silence, by Rosemary Curb, Nancy Manahan; 1985
• Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual, by Pat Califia; 1989; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions; n.d.
• Jilling Off: Women's Masturbation Stories, by Rachel Bussel; 2001
• Hand Grenade Throwing as a College Sport; 1918
• Why Bring That Up? - A Guide to Seasickness, by JF Montague; 1936
• Games You Can Play With Your Pussy - Ira Alterman, Watertown, Mass.: Ivory Tower Pub. Co 1885
• The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling, by A.I.T. Sielikov, G. S. Nikitin & S. E. Rokotyan; 1982; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Romance of Leprosy; 1949
• The Romance of Proctology; 1938
• Better Never to Have Been: the Harm of Coming Into Existence, by David Benatar
• The Bright Side of Prison Life; 1897
• Not Worth Reading; 1914
• Reusing Old Graves, by Douglas Davies & Alistair Shaw; 1994; *Diagram Prize Winner!

For other book titles, click here.

Enemy's Lair, part 1

(Season One, Episode 03)

LEAD CHARACTER waits in line in the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) Office. He’s been there since six in the morning to apply for a passport for the first time. He never really intended applying for a passport, but it’s another pre-employment requirement from his current company that he hasn’t submitted yet. The other one is his TOR, which he doesn’t want to think about too much at the moment.

He feels stupid. He should have waited in line the day before, since it was a holiday in the city where his company is. But when he got to the DFA office at around ten in the morning, the security guard informed him they only give out priority numbers very early in the morning, so LEAD CHARACTER would have to come back way earlier the next day. So today, even if LEAD CHARACTER has work, he waits in line. After a couple text messages exchanged with his boss, he gets allowed to take the day off.

At around eleven, LEAD CHARACTER submits all of his forms, which have already been encoded, to the INFORMATION GIRL.

INFORMATION GIRL: You need to have your picture retaken.

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

INFORMATION GIRL: Your hair, it’s too close to the edge of the photo. We can’t accept this.

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t feel like crying yet; just annoyed. He can’t understand why the DFA has to be strict on photo margins. It’s not his fault if he has a huge head with big hair. But he nods off and has his picture retaken at the DFA Multipurpose Cooperative. He suspects INFORMATION GIRL knows he didn’t have his picture taken at the DFA Coop, so he’s asked to have it retaken so the Coop can profit more from passport applicants. Government conspiracy? LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t even want to get into it yet.

His retaken picture worries him. He’s been awake since four in the morning. Naturally, he looks tired. But what comes out is not “tired.” He finds it odd that on the picture, his right eye looks a lot sleepier than his left eye. If his first picture has his hair too close to the edge, this one here now looks like he’s one of the NBI top ten most wanted. He submits the picture, anyway, and thankfully it gets accepted. He is asked to come back at one o’clock for the final step of the application: paying the cashier.

LEAD CHARACTER heads out for lunch but he’s worried that he’s already spent an extra Php150 for the photo retake. He is out of cash (like most days). So he goes to the nearest ATM (and by nearest, I mean countries away—it’s noontime; the sun is hot; any distance has to be multiplied by how hot the sun is). In the ATM vestibule, he finds a 100-peso bill lying on the floor. He looks around. No one is watching. There are certainly no cameras visible. So he nonchalantly withdraws cash (and by withdraw, I mean a Cash Advance transaction). After getting his cash, his receipt “accidentally” falls to the floor. He picks it up, devil-may-care, along with the 100-peso bill. He begins to feel weird. Upon stepping out of the ATM vestibule, he stands frozen. He looks around, unsure of what to do next. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he approaches the SECURITY GUARD.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Somebody left a 1oo-peso bill inside. (Waves the money in front of the guard.)

SECURITY GUARD (staring at the bill): Hmmm… I think I know who withdrew before you. He works just right around the corner.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mmmkay.

SECURITY GUARD: Maybe he’ll come back for that later.

LEAD CHARACTER: Of course. Here. (Hands SECURITY GUARD the money.)

SECURITY GUARD accepts.

LEAD CHARACTER walks away feeling half good and half bad. It feels good to be honest. He feels guilt-free. However, he also feels that he was being stupid. Hell, it was only a hundred pesos. If it were a million pesos, there’s no question he has to return it. But a hundred pesos? It’s just too certain no one will come back for it. He’s lost a 500-peso bill before but he never retraced his steps to look for it. He begins to hate himself for being too honest. It could have been free lunch from Fate. But the thing is, he doesn’t believe in Fate or Destiny. So he decides instead to treat himself a big lunch to cheer himself up.

He looks for the nearest KFC. KFC is his favorite fried chicken, especially the spicy ones. He also likes the color brown, and the TV show “Lost.” He also loves sipping tea alone, and smoking on a cold day. Those are a few of his favorite things. He remembers them when the dog bites. Their neighborhood dogs do bite and each time he passes by his neighbors’ houses, he shuts his eyes and wishes for the dogs to go away. But we digress.

So LEAD CHARACTER walks all around Osmeña Blvd. and Colon St. No KFC at all. By this time his shirt is dripping with sweat and he feels that he’s already sporting a tan. He decides to have Chowking instead. He orders spicy beef chao fan, siomai, siopao, and large Sprite. After the hearty meal, he goes outside for a cigarette. It’s a hot day, but he also loves smoking after eating. So he smokes. He’s switched to Marlboro Lights after a couple of years on Reds. His plan is to eventually quit smoking soon.

So he smokes and puffs and stares ahead—not just into the streets but into his future as well. He’s worried that he no longer has the drive to become anything, but he hopes that will change soon. He makes his last drag the longest and his most meaningful. Then he throws the butt into a puddle in front of him. There are already a number of cigarette butts there, anyway, not to mention an empty water bottle and a green mango seed. And then….

GUY IN YELLOW UNIFORM: Um, Sir…

LEAD CHARACTER turns around.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Naa biya ta’y City Ordinance, Sir. Dili man ta pwede molabay ug basura bisa’g asa. (Yellow Uniform starts to take out a ticket stub and a pen from his pocket.) Can I see your ID?

LEAD CHARACTER swallows a large gulp of saliva.

LEAD CHARACTER: Is this… um… are you… there’s a 500-peso fine?

YELLOW UNIFORM nods. LEAD CHARACTER hands him his ID. YELLOW UNIFORM then writes down LEAD CHARACTER'S name on the ticket.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Actually, there are three options for you. You can go there to the City Hall and say sorry, or you pay a fine of 500 pesos. Or if you can’t pay, just opt for CS.

LEAD CHARACTER: You mean Community Service? Or Caesarian?

LEAD CHARACTER cringes at the thought of being forced to give birth just for a City Ordinance violation.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Community Service, sir.

LEAD CHARACTER mulls this over. If he pays 500 pesos he doesn’t have to apologize? But if he chooses to apologize, he doesn’t have to pay? But if he can’t pay and doesn’t want to apologize, he can just render community service? LEAD CHARACTER asks YELLOW UNIFORM to clarify. YELLOW UNIFORM simply tells him it depends on what the people at the City Hall say. He is then directed to go to the City Hall, CESET Office. If he doesn’t go there within seven days, the CESET Office will file a case against him.

LEAD CHARACTER tries to consider his odds. He can not show up at all, then find a good lawyer. The problem is, he doesn’t know who would want to represent someone for simply throwing a cigarette butt.

JUDGE: How do you plead?
LEAD CHARACTER: Your Honor! Move to strike! Move to strike!
JUDGE: What for?
ATTORNEY: Your Honor, he means he’s guilty.
JUDGE: Fifteen years in prison!
LEAD CHARACTER: But… your Honor, I’m not ready. I need to lose weight. I can’t go to prison this unattractive….

So LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the ATM and withdraws cash again. His mind goes back to the hundred pesos. He shakes his head. It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if he did take the hundred pesos and if he were this believer in God, he would have felt it was punishment, his getting caught. But he isn’t a believer, and he never did take the hundred pesos, so all he can think really is everything is just random.

After waiting in line for another three hours at the DFA to complete the final step, he walks to the City Hall. This is another long walk that renders him almost unconscious. But so far LEAD CHARACTER has managed to steel himself both physically and emotionally.

There comes a time when the hero of the story ultimately has to enter the enemy’s lair and fight his first battle. This is the time now for LEAD CHARACTER. Finally, the conspiracy has a face, an office.

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside MUSTACHED GUY.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

To be continued….

Brad Pitt's True Blood

An argument sparked online as to whether or not the new HBO skein “True Blood” is a metaphor for homosexuality. There are indeed parallels. In “True Blood,” vampires have “come out of the coffin” to be recognized as one with the human society. Since the Japanese made synthetic blood called TruBlood (which are available in bottles at the nearest supermarket!), vampires have become less of a threat to humans. Humans have begun to accept them. However, there are still those that don’t. Hence, Vampire Rights is being fought for. In the opening credits, there is even a shot of a sign that says “God Hates Fangs,” which, according to one IMDB user, you can just take out the “n” and you get… that’s right.

Some viewers say it’s not just about homosexuality but the minority in general. Maybe it really is all about the latter, but in any case, I still believe it depends on the viewer. I prefer watching “True Blood” as a metaphor for homosexuality, because it speaks more to me that way. I’m not really in the minority anyway since I’m from the Philippines and I’m poor. So I’m part of the economic majority in my country and WE KICK ASS!

Unfortunately, I am not hypnotized yet by the TV show itself. Two episodes into it and I’m still hoping I’d develop an obsession. The show is created by Allan Ball and I was a huge fan of “Six Feet Under” and American Beauty. I want another Allan Ball craze in my life. I’m hoping that in time, the show would really surface as a metaphor for homosexuality and it would show something enormously true and fresh and relevant. For now, the only relevant thing is Anna Paquin (who plays the heroine Sookie Stackhouse). Her performance here is just so brilliant I’m sure the Oscar voters back in 1993 are now rejoicing that they gave her the Oscar statuette for Best Supporting Actress when she was still a girl of mere eleven; they made the right decision after all (unlike having Crash win in 2006).

In other gay news (this time not of metaphorical material), Brad Pitt just donated $100,000 in support of same-sex marriage [click here to read full story]. I really like it when someone clear-headed fights for something that isn’t even really any of his/her concern as he/she isn’t even directly affected. Gay rights does not really affect Brad Pitt as a straight male, but I’m glad he recognizes his need to be affected as a fellow human being.

This gets me into wondering, though, if gay rights is ever being fought for here in the Philippines. I don’t even think any group out there is fighting to have same-sex marriage legalized. Maybe if Danton Remoto were to become Senator, maybe then. Sadly, the Ladlad party list wasn’t even recognized as legit. I read the Editor’s Note for the book “Ladlad 3” and I just wanted to throw things all over, including my one-year-old nephew.

Return of Merchandise

(Season One, Episode 02)

LEAD CHARACTER has returned home safely. Over a month has passed. On this one particular night, LEAD CHARACTER is nursing a hangover for having had almost four full glasses of bullfrogs the other night. Bullfrog is a great drink, but only if you have a glass. More than a glass usually spells inappropriate laughing at people with disabilities and sleeping for over four hours in an Internet Cafe. But that is another story. Tonight LEAD CHARACTER still feels a little bit drunk. He craves for spicy beef-flavored instant noodles with egg. So he goes out to the nearest sari-sari store (right next to his house).

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have spicy beef-flavored instant noodles?

SON OF VENDOR: Yes, we do, Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: I would like to buy one, please, Son of Vendor.

LEAD CHARACTER'S gaze shifts to the SON OF VENDOR'S father (which by default just makes him VENDOR). The VENDOR is old. He’s probably in his late fifties. He is wearing a sleeveless shirt and LEAD CHARACTER has a hard time deciding if the VENDOR'S arms are all muscles, or all bones wrapped in veins.

LEAD CHARACTER (cont’d): And one egg.

SON OF VENDOR goes on to get the noodles and egg. But…

SON OF VENDOR: I’m sorry but we’re out of spicy ones. Just plain beef.

LEAD CHARACTER considers this for a minute. He decides that it’s too tiring to go to another sari-sari store.

LEAD CHARACTER: It’s fine. Plain beef will do.

So LEAD CHARACTER gets the egg and the plain beef-flavored instant noodles and pays. He goes home and boils water. While waiting for the water to boil, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that he’s horny. He makes a mental note to masturbate later.

The water boils. LEAD CHARACTER gets a large bowl to beat the egg in. Upon breaking the egg, he finds that it’s bad. Real bad. It has blood.

LEAD CHARACTER looks up and tries to come up with a next plan of action. He knows the right thing to do is to return the egg and ask for another one. But LEAD CHARACTER is not exactly a force of nature. In fact, one has to wonder why he is even a lead character when he does not have a strong enough personality to go through life. He heaves and recalls all those times that he never asked for the 50-centavo change in his numerous jeepney rides to and from work. The jeepney fare is Php6.50. But somehow, drivers seem to think that LEAD CHARACTER is more than happy to pay his entire Php7.00 without asking for a change.

LEAD CHARACTER gathers himself together and goes back to the sari-sari store with the bowl of bloody egg.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Can I have this egg exchanged with a fresh one? It’s bad. (Shows the bowl.)

SON OF VENDOR looks to his father, questioning.

VENDOR (to LEAD CHARACTER): I’m sorry. We have a no-return policy.

LEAD CHARACTER is taken aback.

LEAD CHARACTER: But the egg you just sold me is bad. It has blood. Look. (Tilts the bowl further so it’s visible to the veiny-armed Vendor.)

VENDOR (shaking his head, smiling smugly): I’m sorry, we can’t accept that. We
ourselves cannot return it to the store we bought it from.

LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying.

LEAD CHARACTER: But it’s not my fault your egg is bad.

VENDOR: I’m sorry, kid. But it’s just not possible.

LEAD CHARACTER continues to hold back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER (bowing his head low): OK.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back home, his breathing by this time a lot heavier than on ordinary days. He hurls the bowl of bad egg towards the wall. His MOTHER jolts up from watching TV.

MOTHER: What’s wrong?

LEAD CHARACTER (sobbing): They won’t replace the egg. (Now yelling) They won’t replace the goddamn egg!

LEAD CHARACTER starts throwing things away: their 30-inch flat-screen TV, their printer-copier-scanner-in-one, monobloc chairs….

MOTHER: Calm down, hijo! Calm down!

LEAD CHARACTER'S mother pins him down to the floor.

LEAD CHARACTER: Get off of me! He’s not replacing the egg!

It dawns on LEAD CHARACTER that all of this is probably some big government conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Return of Merchandise Office. Come to think of it, what happened to him at the medical center may have been another conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Medical Exam Office.

MOTHER (whispering in LEAD CHARACTER'S ear): Hush now, child. It’s all going to be OK.

LEAD CHARACTER'S heaving slows and lightens.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Yes, it’s all going to be OK. I’m going to have my revenge. Not to the Vendor, not to the medical receptionist who thought I was thirty-five years old, but to the government. The government is going to pay.

Screen blackens.

Moral of the story: The customer is always right, but sometimes hurt.

See you all next time!

Fringe

A lot of X-Philes claim that Fringe is nothing but an X-Files rip-off. And they immediately dismiss the show as lousy.

I saw the pilot episode over the weekend, and though the premise can be likened to The X-Files (in that it involves the FBI solving cases involving the paranormal), it also has a mix of Alias (for all the fast-paced action), and Lost (for an elaborate mythology yet to be uncovered). And the result, for me, is just breathtaking. This isn’t saying that this new TV show is better than The X-Files (an obsolete thing that the X-Philes have to get over soon) or Alias or Lost (still the best show ever). This is just saying that for me, Fringe is good enough all by itself.

Fringe refers to “fringe science,” an area of science that deals with things like mind control, teleportation, invisibility, and reanimation—it’s fringe, after all—and the likes. The show’s myth hasn’t been elaborated on yet, but here are a few events cited in the story:

• John Thompson, a normal kid, went missing back in ‘98, reappeared last month halfway around the world—hadn’t aged a day.
• In the past few months, 46 other children who went missing that same year turn up—same story.
• A local fisherman off the coast of Sri Lanka reports a low-flying plane emitting a high-pitched frequency that blows out all their windows. An hour later, same spot, an 8.7 subsurface earthquake creates a tsunami that kills 83,000 people.
• A patient in Lisbon who woke up after years in a coma began writing—just numbers. They turn out to be exact real-time coordinates of the U.S. air-carrier battle groups in the Pacific, intel that’s classified as above Top Secret.

These events are called “the Pattern, as if someone out there is experimenting, only the whole world is the lab.” I have to admit, because of Lost (and probably because of Harry Potter), I have developed a taste for highly elaborate mythology that I will have to be patient for to get to the bottom of (I have to wait until 2010 to get to the bottom of Lost, goddamn you). “Fringe” might just be another one of those delightful treats.

The pilot episode introduces us to FBI agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv), who gets tasked to investigate a possible terrorist attack. Her investigation leads her to needing the expertise of mad scientist Walter Bishop (John Noble). But to get to the doctor, Olivia has to blackmail Walter’s son, Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson), who happens to be another genius but doesn’t quite care enough in life to live in order (read: gambling debt). I admit that doesn’t sound a lot, but that was a three-sentence synopsis. The episode is an hour and twenty minutes long, like the length of a simple movie. But Fringe isn’t a simple movie; it’s a TV show whose pilot has an estimated budget of $10 million dollars, and that’s not bad at all.

As for the performances, Anna Torv does quite a decent job. But it’s probably because she looks like a cross between Cate Blanchett and Naomi Watts, and her acting is like Ellen Pompeo’s, but with more heart. John Noble, though, is quite exceptional as the mad scientist. I can imagine him going head-to-head with Michael Emerson in next year’s Emmys. As for Joshua Jackson… well, I guess he’s one of those actors whose acting doesn’t change despite the character he/she is playing (like Milo Ventimiglia and Kris Aquino). But his eyes… there’s something about Joshua Jackon’s eyes that makes you want him to just stare at you. Maybe his eyes are a part of the mythology that’s why he was cast.

Medical Exam: A Horror Story

(Season One, Episode 01)

Our LEAD CHARACTER enters the clinic with an 8.5x11 bond paper. It has a medical endorsement form printed on it. It’s 1:25PM, but thankfully it isn’t your usual hot summer day so sweat isn’t seeping through the underarms of his shirt yet.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, I was endorsed by HugeHands Entertainment for a medical exam….

RECEPTIONIST: Your name is?

LEAD CHARACTER: My name is Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: (checks list) Oh, yeah. Lead Character. There you are, from HugeHands Entertainment, right?

LEAD CHARACTER nods.

RECEPTIONIST: How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: (nonchalantly) OK…. I’ll endorse you to our Medical Technologist and she’ll take it from there.

LEAD CHARACTER is endorsed to the MEDICAL TECHNOLOGIST.

MEDTECH: Hi, Lead Character, right? How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

MEDTECH nods and jots down notes. She draws blood from LEAD CHARACTER. LEAD CHARACTER studies her face closely. She looks so damn familiar.

MEDTECH then hands LEAD CHARACTER two plastic cups with the label: Lead Character, 25M, HugeHands Entertainment.

MEDTECH: Sir, one cup is for your urine sample, the other is for your stool. For the urine, just get what’s in between.

Questioning look from LEAD CHARACTER.

MEDTECH: What I mean, sir, is disregard the first drops of pee as well as the last one. And make sure your urine goes up to here. (MEDTECH marks the cup with a pen.)

LEAD CHARACTER: Got it.

MEDTECH: As for your stool, sir, peanut-size will do.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. But deep inside he’s worried as his stool is usually arm-size.

LEAD CHARACTER: (to himself) I can do this.

He gets the cups from MEDTECH and goes straight to the john. There’s no tissue. LEAD CHARACTER wonders if they expect him to wash his ass later on the sink. He goes out and back to MEDTECH'S lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, do you have tissue?

MEDTECH: They have at the reception.

LEAD CHARACTER goes straight to the reception area. The entire cast with non-speaking roles is there: sullen mother, effing hot daddy dreadlocks, sick toddler, aunt-looking woman, grandmother-looking lady, and aunt-looking gentleman.

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have tissue?

A GUY IN UNIFORM WITH AN OBSCURE JOB hands LEAD CHARACTER a tissue. LEAD CHARACTER accepts promptly. As he is about to leave….

RECEPTIONIST: Thirty-five to, Sir, noh? Imong age?

LEAD CHARACTER (aghast): Di oi! Two. Five. Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: Ay sorry.

The entire cast choruses in laughter.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the john and pees accordingly to MEDTECH'S rule. For the stool sample, it takes him quite some time. He places the cup as best as he can directly below his anus and holds his breath.

One, two three….

He checks the cup. Nothing.

One more time…. One, two….

Still nothing in the cup. His forehead is already dripping with beads of sweat. He berates himself for having taken a dump already that morning.

One last try….

There. Not exactly peanut-size, but he’s sure MEDTECH has nothing against almonds.
He sanitizes himself then goes back to MEDTECH'S lab. He places the cups on the designated tray.

MEDTECH: You’re done?

LEAD CHARACTER nods. He stares at MEDTECH'S face again. She does look so familiar.

MEDTECH: OK, tell Receptionist you’re done and they’ll assist you with the X-Ray.

LEAD CHARACTER goes to RECEPTIONIST and tells her that he’s done.

RECEPTIONIST: OK, Sir, Guy in Uniform With an Obscure Job will take you to the X-Ray lab. After they’ve taken your X-Ray, you can go home. We’ll just endorse the results to HugeHands.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK, thank you.

OBSCURE GUY: Sir, just follow me.

As LEAD CHARACTER and OBSCURE GUY are about to leave…

RECEPTIONIST (full volume): Sir, twenty-five jud ka noh?

LEAD CHARACTER nods and imagines feeding RECEPTIONIST with his almond-sized stool sample. Outside, he follows OBSCURE GUY. After several minutes, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that they’re still not at the X-Ray lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Where’s the X-Ray lab?

OBSCURE GUY: We have to ride a jeepney, sir. It’s near the City Hall.

LEAD CHARACTER holds back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER: I don’t know where the City Hall is. I’m not from here.

OBSCURE GUY: It’s OK. I’ve taken expats there before.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. After a long period of silence….

LEAD CHARACTER: That MedTech girl, what’s her name?

OBSCURE GUY: Her? It’s [I forget what he said].

LEAD CHARACTER: OK… her last name?

OBSCURE GUY: Ducay.

LEAD CHARACTER (dawn of realization): Ah! She’s a former classmate’s sister.

After one jeepney ride, they get to the X-Ray lab. LEAD CHARACTER no longer knows whichever part of the city they are and how to get home. OBSCURE GUY chats with the X-RAY RECEPTIONIST as Lead Character gets called on to have his X-Ray taken. He takes a deep heave and he imagines the insides of his smoker lungs get taken a snapshot of. Maybe he won’t get the job after all. Maybe once the medical results are in, HugeHands Entertainment will realize from the X-Ray that he has thirty-year-old lungs and he’ll get disqualified for lying, for telling them he’s ten years younger. Then when he gets home he’ll confront his parents and they’ll tell him that he really is thirty-five years old, that RECEPTIONIST isn’t mistaken.

X-RAY TAKER: Sir, it’s done. You can put your shirt back on.

LEAD CHARACTER: Thank you.

LEAD CHARACTER says ‘thank you’ a lot as he is naïve that way. He grabs his shirt then puts it back on. Outside, OBSCURE GUY is nowhere to be found. He asks X-RAY RECEPTIONIST where OBSCURE GUY is and it turns out he’s already gone, deserting our dear LEAD CHARACTER in the middle of nowhere.

With tears flowing from his eyes, LEAD CHARACTER raises his hands to his head and kneels on the floor. And in a scream that seems to resonate like the Ten Commandments, LEAD CHARACTER curses the heavens.

I’M ALL ALOOONE!!!

Witnesses of what has transpired describe the events as a deeply moving outpouring of emotions from a misunderstood forty-five-year old.

Who Is Lead Character?

Lead Character is an ageless underachiever in dire need of an epiphany. His semi-fictional life was first chronicled when he turned twenty-two. However, the first official episode (the Pilot, so to speak), which takes place when Lead Character is already twenty-five years old, was launched on April 26th, 2008 in a Multiply.com blog. The episode received generally good reviews and the ratings were decent enough for a followup episode.

On September 14th, 2008, after losing Php300 in the casino, the creator of The Lead Character Chronicles decided to give the show its own portal. Hence this site. At the inception of this separate and dedicated portal for The Lead Character Chronicles, three episodes (excluding the previously mentioned "turning twenty-two" episode) have already appeared, the third one being a two-parter. Those three previous episodes will be reposted here to officially launch The Lead Character Chronicles, a blog-slash-TV series that critics claim to be a genre on its own.