Lazarus

Lead Character is back. You probably thought he's long dead, and perhaps that's been the case. But now he's been resurrected.

The sad thing, though, is that you might think he's bigger than ever. But no. He's about the same size as before. He just hopes to be prolific this time.

And to celebrate his return, he would like to tell a rape joke. If rape jokes offend you, then please stop reading right about HERE. Leave! Close the browser! Do not read past this sentence.

The title of this joke is:

"Casting for a Movie That Features Rape"

A producer and his director are holding an audition for the role of a rapist in a hopefully sexy enough flick that it would be a box office hit. Because of what is required of the role, they have some trouble finding the right actor. Three struggling newcomers show up to audition.

The director asks Actor #1 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #1's eyes widen. He shakes his head. "That would be wrong. I am fine with shooting a rape scene, but not with Jessica Soho." The producer asks why not. Actor #1 says, "Jessica Soho is an accomplished journalist. She is brave, intelligent, and widely respected. If it were with someone stupid and shallow, it would probably be OK."

And with that, the producer and director say, "Thank you for your time. And best of luck." Actor #1 leaves.

The director asks Actor #2 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #2 straightens his stance. "Only if it is done in a serious manner." The producer tells him the movie is a sex comedy, and people will be expected to laugh while someone is being raped. Actor #2 shakes his head. "Then I'm sorry. Rape should never be treated as a joke."

And with that, the producer and director say, "Thank you for your time. And best of luck." Actor #2 leaves.

The director and producer are now fearing that they will never find the right actor, that they might have to resort to CGI in order to accomplish the rape scene. They call on Actor #3, rather gloomily, certain about how it is going to turn out.

The director asks Actor #3 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #3 nods and says, "Sure." The producer gives a quizzical brow. He tells Actor #3, "This is going to be a sex comedy. People will be expected to laugh while someone is being raped." Actor #3 nods and says, "Sure."

The producer and his director are relieved. They finally found their rapist.

Actor #3 clears his throat. "Under one condition, though."

The producer and his director are quiet for a few seconds. The producer brings himself to ask Actor #3, "What is it?"

"I'll do the rape scene. But only if Jessica Soho is on top of me."

The director shakes his head. "Then that won't be possible. How could you possibly rape someone who's on top of you?"

Actor #3 takes a step back. "Thank you for your time, gentlemen. And best of luck." Actor #3 turns to leave.

The producer jumps from his seat. "Now, wait a minute! I'm sure we can figure something out."

Actor #3 turns to face the director and producer again.

"I would like to know," the producer says. "Why are you only willing to shoot the rape scene with Jessica Soho on top of you?"

Actor #3 takes a deep breath, his eyes bore into theirs. "I do not, and never will, take rape lightly."

Quick updates to make up for the four-month drought

Almost a fortnight ago, Lead Character went to another fashion show. It was by students of fashion design schools in the city--Fashion Institute of Design & Arts (FIDA) and the Fashion Institute of the Philippines (FIP)--held at the VUDU. One of his friends, OLIVERIO, went to FIP and one of his designs was featured on the runway. It was fantastic. Lead Character doesn't really know squat about fashion design so his criteria in judging a dress are simply "wearable" and "nice to look at."

Three highlights of the night are:

1. Oliverio's bow after his work was presented.

2. A bracelet that Lead Character and his friend Brey found on the floor. It just fell from someone's wrist, but they couldn't find who dropped it. Lead Character nudged for Brey to hand it to a waiter, as perhaps they had a Lost-and-Found box. Brey handed it to the guy next to him, who was wearing a black shirt just like the waiters were. The guy turned out to be another customer. But instead of asking why he was handed a bracelet, he just pocketed it. And that, ladies and germs, is how you leave Lead Character speechless. After taking the bracelet, the guy and his friends left the club.

3. The after-party. Well, it wasn't the official after-party of the fashion show, but the after-party of Lead Character and his friends. It's the 6th anniversary of Numero Doce, a bar that has become, over the years, Lead Character's weekend home. Laugh at him if you must, but their shot of Jack Daniel's only costs Php80. Not that it's Lead Character's poison every single time, but for an option to cost only Php80, you can just STFU.

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Movies, movies.

Only two movies are on Lead Character's must-see list this year: PT Anderson's The Master, and Tom Hooper's Les Misérables, a movie based on a musical based on a novel by Victor Hugo. Lead Character wishes to write one day a radio ad based on a painting based on a movie based on a musical based on an afternoon nap-time dream.

One thing to note about movies, and even TV shows, of today is the epidemic of male frontal nudity. To name a few recent ones that Lead Character just saw: Wanderlust and American Reunion. Prosthetics or not, they were still penises. Lead Character wishes for MTRCB to not even go near Magic Mike. Not that it's a certainty, but one can still wish to see Matt Bomer's mini Matt Bomer.

Fifteen minutes into American Reunion, Lead Character was reminded of the first ever American Pie movie, in that it didn't inspire any form of laughter from him, not even a short chuckle. The only thing that made Lead Character root for American Reunion was a line that went something like "Don't mess with the class of '99, bitch!" Hear, hear!

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Lead Character's younger sister has a doll named Sara. She had it since she was about two or three, and it was her favorite toy, because Sara closed her eyes whenever she was in a horizontal position.

More than fifteen years later, Sara is still very much alive, but she has gotten old. So Lead Character decided to give her  makeover.

The result is a doll that's very effective in scaring little children.

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Lead Character wishes to write more. So if he finds the time, expect a flurry of posts from him. Right now, for lack of topics to write about, he may just talk about his travels from last year. Old stories, yes, but it's never too late until they've been forgotten.

An Open Letter to Soap Opera Writers/Creators in the Philippines

How's it hanging?

I hope you are all in good health because I am not. I am just about to get completely well from an unexplained fever (scary!), which has caused me backlogs in both of my full-time and project-based jobs, but despite that, I am finding the time to write you.

Before anything else, I would like to stress that I am not writing this as a fellow writer, but as an audience member. I am barely a writer in my own right, so I cannot use that card when I give you tips on how to improve on your craft.

One of the most memorable job interviews I had was for a position in a film production company. I was asked what my favorite TV show was. My answer, without so much as a blink of an eye, was "Lost." The interviewer then asked me if the Philippines was ready for a TV show like "Lost." My answer was an all-caps NO, explaining that our local channels have just begun remaking old materials that weren't even good to begin with, so how can they possibly be ready for a TV show like "Lost"?

Looking back at that now, I realize that I was too quick to pull the trigger. Creatively, yes, YOU are ready. You can surely come up with something just as good as "Lost," you are just too afraid to do so. But there shouldn't be any reason to be afraid anymore. If you think about it, every Filipino on Facebook has an American TV show as their favorite. Everyone I know who download via torrent or stream off Megavideo understands the complexities of American TV-show storytelling. Hell, not only do they get American humor but British humor as well. And those people are in the very demographics that your advertisers need. So what the eff is holding you back? You had some progress when you did "100 Days to Heaven," but then you regressed with a piece of shit like "Budoy." Again, what the eff?

Here are some pointers that you might find useful in coming up with your next project(s):


1. Cut lengthy crying scenes. We already know what is causing that character pain, but to indulge them for a full minute of nonstop wailing? Yes, this includes burial scenes. We already know people who die get buried, and that their loved ones cry, you do not have to show EVERY SINGLE THING!

2. Enough with the separated-at-birth storylines. This is not readily identifiable by everyone. Most viewers know who their real parents are. Surely, there must be other plots you can play around with that call for climactic endings other than a biological parent-child reunion.

3. Consult professional experts. If your scene involves lawyers or anything of legal nature, consult real-life lawyers on how that scene should go. Same goes for anything medical; consult real-life doctors. So many times have you made real-life doctors cringe at carelessly executed ER and OR scenes. If you already have consultants, get better ones.

4. Flesh out your characters, even the antagonists. Most of your characters are two-dimensional. Even kontrabidas need to relate to us like real people. Stop exaggerating their actions relative to their motivations.

5. Be relevant. How about, instead of simply coming up with tearjerkers, you come up with something meaningful? How about a commentary on the Philippine government? Instead of erroneously telling us that lightning can cure autism, you show, um, as an example, how religion can corrupt a society, or whatever it is that you stand for.

I'm sure there are a lot more you can improve on, but it's already late and  I still have to write my open letter to the Philippine music industry, which might be so full of expletives it will make Regine Velasquez's head explode.

I guess what this all boils down to is for you to think of yourselves again as that young writer who never had a project yet, who was but an audience member at the time. Didn't you dream of becoming great? Didn't you plan of starting a revolution? Didn't you want to change the landscape of Philippine TV? If you did, then it's not too late yet.

Be great. Start a revolution. Change the landscape of Philippine TV.

Love,

Lead Character

Win Backstage Passes to the Bruno Mars Concert!

Lead Character Is One of Those Who Can Lower Your Risks of Prostate and Testicular Cancer

Find out from this recent study:

"Conducted over a period of four years, the research involved 600 men aged 23 to 54 who exclusively identify as heterosexual and enjoy penetrative vaginal sex with women. They were divided into two groups: one received oral sex on a daily basis from a team of experienced homosexual men, while the other did not. At the end of the study, all 600 were screened for prostate and testicular cancer. Eight tested positive for prostate cancer; six for testicular. All fourteen were from the group that did not get serviced orally by gay men."

Fringe Benefits of Having No Sense of Direction

A lot can be said about people when falling in line at the order counter of McDonald's. There are those that know what they want to order; others change their minds at the last minute; and an unfortunate number cannot afford what they really want, so they're stuck with something else. I have been all three. It's a beautiful day when I crave for a quarter pounder and that's exactly what I get. It's a mess if I crave for a quarter pounder and end up getting the chicken-spaghetti meal, just because the pictures made me change my mind. What would happen is, even if I got satisfied with the chicken and spaghetti, I'd always wonder how I'd have felt had I ordered the quarter pounder that was in my mind in the first place. It's hell if I want a quarter pounder and all I can afford is a cheeseburger (not the cheeseburger meal; just one cheeseburger).

In life, there are people who end up exactly what they've always wanted to be; there are those that wanted to be this, but discover later that they want to be something else; and there are also those that could never be what they want to be, because they do not fulfill the necessary requirements to attain that goal. I have been all three. However, to avoid embarrassing myself, I will not divulge what it was that I wanted and successfully attained, what I thought I wanted and ended up satisfied with something else, and what I could never be or have. Besides, that is not the reason why I'm writing this anyway.

I'm writing this because after having been all three, I am now irreversibly one of the fourth type of people waiting in line at McDonald's. These people are perhaps rare to come across, but not as uncommon as you think. These are the people who, while they might be in line, are not really intent on ordering. They're just there because it's a necessity to eat, and not because they crave for a specific meal. In life, these are the people who have no sense of direction. And I (yes, bitch) am one of them.

It isn't all that bad. When you have no sense of direction, you are in no particular hurry. When you are in no hurry, the less things upset you, if at all. When nothing upsets you, people think you're wise, that you're above them. In a way, you are above them. People sometimes bitch about not getting the correct change at the counter, or being asked to wait for their order, but you, you don't care. And when you finally get your turn to order, you can either ask for something instantly or take your time, oblivious to the people behind you, because you can never hate yourself whether you get a quarter pounder or spaghetti or chicken or end up stepping out to see what Jollibee has. In the same regard, you can write something totally pointless and not even fini

Turning 22

(Note from the creator: This is the "pre-air" episode—then of short film "format"—of The Lead Character Chronicles—the one that started it all. Since we're out of new episodes, I guess a repost will do for now.)

This motion picture has been modified from its original version to fit the screen.

9 AM. Our lead character reads a good three pages of Frank McCourt’s “Angela’s Ashes” before he empties his cup of chocolate sundae. He’s had breakfast twice at home, but he decided nonetheless to drop by a nearby Jollibee branch to order an upsized ‘value meal’ and a chocolate sundae. After his sacrilegious third breakfast, he goes to a nearby barbershop to vacillate between getting his head shaved again and getting no haircut at all. He wants to grow his hair long, as he’s done three times before, but at the same time he does not like how his hair has presently grown.

Our lead character decides to get a normal haircut. The normal haircut turns out to be devastating on the back portion. He does not know that until he meets up with a friend a couple of hours later.

A couple of hours later, he meets up with Braille, a friend. He owes Braille some money, which is why they have to meet up. Our lead character and Braille hang out at Ecila, an outdoor restobar (I believe) with a quasi-Parisian feel at Ayala. Its patio faces Starbucks so whatever Parisian feel it has dissolves after a split second. He orders a bottle of San Mig Light and she orders shake. They chat while he smokes about five sticks of Dunhill cigarettes. Our lead character usually enjoys a pack of Dunhill cigarettes every payday. After that pack, he switches back to Marlboro reds.

1 PM. Another friend arrives: Vanessa. Vanessa tells our lead character that his haircut is devastating on the back portion. Our lead character makes a mental note to have his haircut redone the next day. Braille then leaves the two to meet up with her boyfriend.

At this point, our lead character shares that he does not know whether or not he should host some sort of birthday party that night. His birthday is the next day yet, but that night is the only feasible night for him to host some sort of party. He calls up his friend Timothy to check if he could join them that evening. Timothy cannot as he has to defend his thesis the next day. Our lead character tries contacting his other friends. Only two of them can make it—Debbie and Hope. Kristine has work so he does not bother contacting her. Kenneth cannot be contacted. Joy does not answer any of his calls. And Cecil and Mae have some errands to run.

Nonetheless, our lead character decides to host a tiny party that night for the benefit of Vanessa. There is a possibility that Jefferson, a boy that Vanessa was infatuated with, may be able to join.

2 PM. An officemate by the name of Analyn drops by to hand our lead character some money. The money is owed to him by another officemate. Our lead character asks Analyn who else are with her. She says the rest of the sweepers* and that their plan is to have lunch at Big Mao. He tells her that maybe he’ll drop by in a little while to say hello.

2.30 PM. Our lead character orders another bottle of San Mig Light. Two other officemates drop by. First is Cyndee, who is on her way to a job interview. Second is Carina, whose name our lead character forgets. Vanessa takes the liberty to re-introduce our lead character to Carina. After the re-introduction, Carina lingers in their company to chat nonstop.

3 PM. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character decide to have lunch. As our lead character promised, he drops by Big Mao to say hello to the sweepers. Big Mao is a Chinese restaurant with an oddly Korean feel to it. Vanessa and Carina follow suit and they decide to just have their lunch there. They order some bacon wrapped treasures and siomai and Yangchow rice (I think). After a few minutes, Cyndee arrives from her job interview and orders another dish—crispy pancit canton. Our character gets so full that he feels like throwing up. After lunch, our lead character, Vanessa, Carina, and Cyndee walk around the mall. Cyndee decides to have her picture taken at Picture City. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character stop by Penshoppe where our lead character mistakes the fabric steamer for a vacuum cleaner.

Left with no other place to go to, they go back to Ecila. They wait for Debbie and Hope to arrive before heading off to LUVU2, formerly known as U2. A lot of things happen while they wait at Ecila. Firstly, they chat. Secondly, Vanessa orders a slice of carrot cake. Thirdly, Joy confirms that she will be catching up with them whilst they nibble on the carrot cake that Vanessa ordered. Lastly, Carina goes home to drop some things off then comes back.

Debbie and Hope then arrive. Debbie tells our lead character that she likes his haircut. When she sees the back portion, she says, “Except for that.”

Debbie and Hope then leave for a while to have dinner. Cyndee, Vanessa, and our lead character start taking pictures using our lead character’s camera phone. It is not exactly our lead character’s camera phone. He considers the keypad his, but the rest of the phone is owned for now by the credit card company.

9 PM. Our lead character, Vanessa, Debbie, Hope, Cyndee, and Carina arrive at LUVU2. It is a videoke bar with a normal videoke bar feel to it. Our lead character is disappointed that not all of his close friends are there. He aches for a time in history when he and the rest of his close friends could hang out anytime they wanted to. He starts yearning for that particular level of laughter only he and his close friends share. He starts the evening by singing ‘King of Pain’ by Sting because our lead character is melodramatic that way.

10 PM. Joy arrives and helps out Vanessa and our lead character sing ‘Quit Playing Games’ by the Backstreet Boys.

10.07 PM. Jefferson sends Vanessa a text message saying that he cannot make it.

10.11 PM. Our lead character thinks that it has been a long time since he has written a poem.

10.30 PM. Bien arrives. He is another officemate. In reality, he is a former officemate. Just like Cyndee. Bien and Cyndee just resigned but our lead character is still in denial.

As a birthday gift, our lead character requests each of his friends to sing a birthday song for him. Debbie, with her soulful voice, sings ‘Uninvited’ by Alanis Morissette. Joy sings ‘I Don’t Want to Wait’ by Paula Cole much like Paula Cole does, but with a touch of Air Supply. Vanessa, in her own Indie rock rendition, sings “I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ by Whitney Houston. Bien, because he can sing the song very well, sings ‘I’ll Be Over You’ by Toto.

As initiated by Carina, our lead character then closes his eyes while Carina lights up two lighters in front of him. Our lead character makes a wish. He is spiteful because it is supposedly an unimportant wish but he cannot help prioritizing it. Our lead character opens his eyes and blows the two lit lighters.

10:55 PM. Debbie hurries to the office as she has work at 11.00 PM. Our lead character feels bad that he may be causing her to come in late. He does not want her to be late. Tardiness has caused his life a lot of hell and he wants to have Debbie stay unmarred by the type of hell he’s suffered.

11.30 PM. Our lead character says to himself, “I should have been dead by now, I should have been dead by now....”

12.00 MN. Our lead character, according to the calendar, has turned 22. He realizes that a lot of things are too overdue for him to be thankful he’s lived another year. To close the evening, he sings ‘Be My Number 2’ by Joe Jackson for no particular reason. He pays the bill and asks his friends if he should tip the waitress, who remains standing behind him after giving him the change. His friends say don’t. Our lead character wonders why he has to ask his friends whether or not he should tip the waitress when he himself is against tipping.

End.

* Sweepers is the term used for call center agents who work at “day’s end.” They are the ones that are required to answer all the calls on queue before the bridge is closed so no more calls will get to their site.

Lead Character's Acceptance Speech

“Geez… this is just so unexpected. To win Outstanding Fictional Character on the Web is just… wow… I never dreamed of this. I don’t think anyone ever dreamed of this.

“Before anything else, I would like to congratulate Tina Fey for nabbing both awards in Acting and Writing. I guess I should thank you for being an inspiration to me, for always making me laugh, especially for your Sarah Palin impersonation, and for creating the character Liz Lemon, who eats as much as I do.

“I would also like to congratulate the Emmy voters for finally waking up to their senses and awarding ‘Mad Men’—one helluva exquisite show—with the Oustanding Drama Series trophy. I would like to question, though, why Michael Emerson didn’t nab the Supporting Actor award. When Alex (on ‘Lost’) was killed in front of Ben, I thought that Mr. Emerson delivered one fine performance that even deserved a lifetime achievement award. I also question why that ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ guy won Best Actor in a Drama. I didn’t even know a show such as ‘Breaking Bad’ exists. I really think the award should’ve gone to the consistently brilliant Hugh Laurie, or the intense Michael C. Hall, or the nuanced Jon Hamm. But, no, you had to award it to someone I don’t give a fig about—although that guy was OK during his ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ years.

“That being said, I’m still grateful for this award, even if there were no other nominees competing with me, and that you didn’t include this on the program earlier. It did hurt me a bit that the presenter that you chose for this award was Clay Aiken, as if you guys wanted to make a statement.

“Anywho, I would like to take this moment now to acknowledge Super Inday2x, a superheroine who will have her own segment on my show soon, and to my creator: the infamous and not-so-narcissistic ryeisdead, who’s still depressed over what’s been happening in their household.

“And last but not the least, I would like to thank… please, don’t play the music yet… wait… I’m not done yet… I would like to thank my agent—“

MICROPHONE OFF

SCREEN TO BLACK