Medical Exam: A Horror Story

(Season One, Episode 01)

Our LEAD CHARACTER enters the clinic with an 8.5x11 bond paper. It has a medical endorsement form printed on it. It’s 1:25PM, but thankfully it isn’t your usual hot summer day so sweat isn’t seeping through the underarms of his shirt yet.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, I was endorsed by HugeHands Entertainment for a medical exam….

RECEPTIONIST: Your name is?

LEAD CHARACTER: My name is Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: (checks list) Oh, yeah. Lead Character. There you are, from HugeHands Entertainment, right?

LEAD CHARACTER nods.

RECEPTIONIST: How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: (nonchalantly) OK…. I’ll endorse you to our Medical Technologist and she’ll take it from there.

LEAD CHARACTER is endorsed to the MEDICAL TECHNOLOGIST.

MEDTECH: Hi, Lead Character, right? How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

MEDTECH nods and jots down notes. She draws blood from LEAD CHARACTER. LEAD CHARACTER studies her face closely. She looks so damn familiar.

MEDTECH then hands LEAD CHARACTER two plastic cups with the label: Lead Character, 25M, HugeHands Entertainment.

MEDTECH: Sir, one cup is for your urine sample, the other is for your stool. For the urine, just get what’s in between.

Questioning look from LEAD CHARACTER.

MEDTECH: What I mean, sir, is disregard the first drops of pee as well as the last one. And make sure your urine goes up to here. (MEDTECH marks the cup with a pen.)

LEAD CHARACTER: Got it.

MEDTECH: As for your stool, sir, peanut-size will do.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. But deep inside he’s worried as his stool is usually arm-size.

LEAD CHARACTER: (to himself) I can do this.

He gets the cups from MEDTECH and goes straight to the john. There’s no tissue. LEAD CHARACTER wonders if they expect him to wash his ass later on the sink. He goes out and back to MEDTECH'S lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, do you have tissue?

MEDTECH: They have at the reception.

LEAD CHARACTER goes straight to the reception area. The entire cast with non-speaking roles is there: sullen mother, effing hot daddy dreadlocks, sick toddler, aunt-looking woman, grandmother-looking lady, and aunt-looking gentleman.

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have tissue?

A GUY IN UNIFORM WITH AN OBSCURE JOB hands LEAD CHARACTER a tissue. LEAD CHARACTER accepts promptly. As he is about to leave….

RECEPTIONIST: Thirty-five to, Sir, noh? Imong age?

LEAD CHARACTER (aghast): Di oi! Two. Five. Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: Ay sorry.

The entire cast choruses in laughter.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the john and pees accordingly to MEDTECH'S rule. For the stool sample, it takes him quite some time. He places the cup as best as he can directly below his anus and holds his breath.

One, two three….

He checks the cup. Nothing.

One more time…. One, two….

Still nothing in the cup. His forehead is already dripping with beads of sweat. He berates himself for having taken a dump already that morning.

One last try….

There. Not exactly peanut-size, but he’s sure MEDTECH has nothing against almonds.
He sanitizes himself then goes back to MEDTECH'S lab. He places the cups on the designated tray.

MEDTECH: You’re done?

LEAD CHARACTER nods. He stares at MEDTECH'S face again. She does look so familiar.

MEDTECH: OK, tell Receptionist you’re done and they’ll assist you with the X-Ray.

LEAD CHARACTER goes to RECEPTIONIST and tells her that he’s done.

RECEPTIONIST: OK, Sir, Guy in Uniform With an Obscure Job will take you to the X-Ray lab. After they’ve taken your X-Ray, you can go home. We’ll just endorse the results to HugeHands.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK, thank you.

OBSCURE GUY: Sir, just follow me.

As LEAD CHARACTER and OBSCURE GUY are about to leave…

RECEPTIONIST (full volume): Sir, twenty-five jud ka noh?

LEAD CHARACTER nods and imagines feeding RECEPTIONIST with his almond-sized stool sample. Outside, he follows OBSCURE GUY. After several minutes, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that they’re still not at the X-Ray lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Where’s the X-Ray lab?

OBSCURE GUY: We have to ride a jeepney, sir. It’s near the City Hall.

LEAD CHARACTER holds back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER: I don’t know where the City Hall is. I’m not from here.

OBSCURE GUY: It’s OK. I’ve taken expats there before.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. After a long period of silence….

LEAD CHARACTER: That MedTech girl, what’s her name?

OBSCURE GUY: Her? It’s [I forget what he said].

LEAD CHARACTER: OK… her last name?

OBSCURE GUY: Ducay.

LEAD CHARACTER (dawn of realization): Ah! She’s a former classmate’s sister.

After one jeepney ride, they get to the X-Ray lab. LEAD CHARACTER no longer knows whichever part of the city they are and how to get home. OBSCURE GUY chats with the X-RAY RECEPTIONIST as Lead Character gets called on to have his X-Ray taken. He takes a deep heave and he imagines the insides of his smoker lungs get taken a snapshot of. Maybe he won’t get the job after all. Maybe once the medical results are in, HugeHands Entertainment will realize from the X-Ray that he has thirty-year-old lungs and he’ll get disqualified for lying, for telling them he’s ten years younger. Then when he gets home he’ll confront his parents and they’ll tell him that he really is thirty-five years old, that RECEPTIONIST isn’t mistaken.

X-RAY TAKER: Sir, it’s done. You can put your shirt back on.

LEAD CHARACTER: Thank you.

LEAD CHARACTER says ‘thank you’ a lot as he is naïve that way. He grabs his shirt then puts it back on. Outside, OBSCURE GUY is nowhere to be found. He asks X-RAY RECEPTIONIST where OBSCURE GUY is and it turns out he’s already gone, deserting our dear LEAD CHARACTER in the middle of nowhere.

With tears flowing from his eyes, LEAD CHARACTER raises his hands to his head and kneels on the floor. And in a scream that seems to resonate like the Ten Commandments, LEAD CHARACTER curses the heavens.

I’M ALL ALOOONE!!!

Witnesses of what has transpired describe the events as a deeply moving outpouring of emotions from a misunderstood forty-five-year old.