Enemy's Lair, part 1

(Season One, Episode 03)

LEAD CHARACTER waits in line in the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) Office. He’s been there since six in the morning to apply for a passport for the first time. He never really intended applying for a passport, but it’s another pre-employment requirement from his current company that he hasn’t submitted yet. The other one is his TOR, which he doesn’t want to think about too much at the moment.

He feels stupid. He should have waited in line the day before, since it was a holiday in the city where his company is. But when he got to the DFA office at around ten in the morning, the security guard informed him they only give out priority numbers very early in the morning, so LEAD CHARACTER would have to come back way earlier the next day. So today, even if LEAD CHARACTER has work, he waits in line. After a couple text messages exchanged with his boss, he gets allowed to take the day off.

At around eleven, LEAD CHARACTER submits all of his forms, which have already been encoded, to the INFORMATION GIRL.

INFORMATION GIRL: You need to have your picture retaken.

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

INFORMATION GIRL: Your hair, it’s too close to the edge of the photo. We can’t accept this.

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t feel like crying yet; just annoyed. He can’t understand why the DFA has to be strict on photo margins. It’s not his fault if he has a huge head with big hair. But he nods off and has his picture retaken at the DFA Multipurpose Cooperative. He suspects INFORMATION GIRL knows he didn’t have his picture taken at the DFA Coop, so he’s asked to have it retaken so the Coop can profit more from passport applicants. Government conspiracy? LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t even want to get into it yet.

His retaken picture worries him. He’s been awake since four in the morning. Naturally, he looks tired. But what comes out is not “tired.” He finds it odd that on the picture, his right eye looks a lot sleepier than his left eye. If his first picture has his hair too close to the edge, this one here now looks like he’s one of the NBI top ten most wanted. He submits the picture, anyway, and thankfully it gets accepted. He is asked to come back at one o’clock for the final step of the application: paying the cashier.

LEAD CHARACTER heads out for lunch but he’s worried that he’s already spent an extra Php150 for the photo retake. He is out of cash (like most days). So he goes to the nearest ATM (and by nearest, I mean countries away—it’s noontime; the sun is hot; any distance has to be multiplied by how hot the sun is). In the ATM vestibule, he finds a 100-peso bill lying on the floor. He looks around. No one is watching. There are certainly no cameras visible. So he nonchalantly withdraws cash (and by withdraw, I mean a Cash Advance transaction). After getting his cash, his receipt “accidentally” falls to the floor. He picks it up, devil-may-care, along with the 100-peso bill. He begins to feel weird. Upon stepping out of the ATM vestibule, he stands frozen. He looks around, unsure of what to do next. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he approaches the SECURITY GUARD.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Somebody left a 1oo-peso bill inside. (Waves the money in front of the guard.)

SECURITY GUARD (staring at the bill): Hmmm… I think I know who withdrew before you. He works just right around the corner.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mmmkay.

SECURITY GUARD: Maybe he’ll come back for that later.

LEAD CHARACTER: Of course. Here. (Hands SECURITY GUARD the money.)

SECURITY GUARD accepts.

LEAD CHARACTER walks away feeling half good and half bad. It feels good to be honest. He feels guilt-free. However, he also feels that he was being stupid. Hell, it was only a hundred pesos. If it were a million pesos, there’s no question he has to return it. But a hundred pesos? It’s just too certain no one will come back for it. He’s lost a 500-peso bill before but he never retraced his steps to look for it. He begins to hate himself for being too honest. It could have been free lunch from Fate. But the thing is, he doesn’t believe in Fate or Destiny. So he decides instead to treat himself a big lunch to cheer himself up.

He looks for the nearest KFC. KFC is his favorite fried chicken, especially the spicy ones. He also likes the color brown, and the TV show “Lost.” He also loves sipping tea alone, and smoking on a cold day. Those are a few of his favorite things. He remembers them when the dog bites. Their neighborhood dogs do bite and each time he passes by his neighbors’ houses, he shuts his eyes and wishes for the dogs to go away. But we digress.

So LEAD CHARACTER walks all around Osmeña Blvd. and Colon St. No KFC at all. By this time his shirt is dripping with sweat and he feels that he’s already sporting a tan. He decides to have Chowking instead. He orders spicy beef chao fan, siomai, siopao, and large Sprite. After the hearty meal, he goes outside for a cigarette. It’s a hot day, but he also loves smoking after eating. So he smokes. He’s switched to Marlboro Lights after a couple of years on Reds. His plan is to eventually quit smoking soon.

So he smokes and puffs and stares ahead—not just into the streets but into his future as well. He’s worried that he no longer has the drive to become anything, but he hopes that will change soon. He makes his last drag the longest and his most meaningful. Then he throws the butt into a puddle in front of him. There are already a number of cigarette butts there, anyway, not to mention an empty water bottle and a green mango seed. And then….

GUY IN YELLOW UNIFORM: Um, Sir…

LEAD CHARACTER turns around.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Naa biya ta’y City Ordinance, Sir. Dili man ta pwede molabay ug basura bisa’g asa. (Yellow Uniform starts to take out a ticket stub and a pen from his pocket.) Can I see your ID?

LEAD CHARACTER swallows a large gulp of saliva.

LEAD CHARACTER: Is this… um… are you… there’s a 500-peso fine?

YELLOW UNIFORM nods. LEAD CHARACTER hands him his ID. YELLOW UNIFORM then writes down LEAD CHARACTER'S name on the ticket.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Actually, there are three options for you. You can go there to the City Hall and say sorry, or you pay a fine of 500 pesos. Or if you can’t pay, just opt for CS.

LEAD CHARACTER: You mean Community Service? Or Caesarian?

LEAD CHARACTER cringes at the thought of being forced to give birth just for a City Ordinance violation.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Community Service, sir.

LEAD CHARACTER mulls this over. If he pays 500 pesos he doesn’t have to apologize? But if he chooses to apologize, he doesn’t have to pay? But if he can’t pay and doesn’t want to apologize, he can just render community service? LEAD CHARACTER asks YELLOW UNIFORM to clarify. YELLOW UNIFORM simply tells him it depends on what the people at the City Hall say. He is then directed to go to the City Hall, CESET Office. If he doesn’t go there within seven days, the CESET Office will file a case against him.

LEAD CHARACTER tries to consider his odds. He can not show up at all, then find a good lawyer. The problem is, he doesn’t know who would want to represent someone for simply throwing a cigarette butt.

JUDGE: How do you plead?
LEAD CHARACTER: Your Honor! Move to strike! Move to strike!
JUDGE: What for?
ATTORNEY: Your Honor, he means he’s guilty.
JUDGE: Fifteen years in prison!
LEAD CHARACTER: But… your Honor, I’m not ready. I need to lose weight. I can’t go to prison this unattractive….

So LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the ATM and withdraws cash again. His mind goes back to the hundred pesos. He shakes his head. It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if he did take the hundred pesos and if he were this believer in God, he would have felt it was punishment, his getting caught. But he isn’t a believer, and he never did take the hundred pesos, so all he can think really is everything is just random.

After waiting in line for another three hours at the DFA to complete the final step, he walks to the City Hall. This is another long walk that renders him almost unconscious. But so far LEAD CHARACTER has managed to steel himself both physically and emotionally.

There comes a time when the hero of the story ultimately has to enter the enemy’s lair and fight his first battle. This is the time now for LEAD CHARACTER. Finally, the conspiracy has a face, an office.

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside MUSTACHED GUY.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

To be continued….