Dropping Off McSpicy Kids at the Pool

Season 3 Episode 1

When you're traveling, do not eat what is readily available in your home country. Try out local delicacies, be adventurous. This kind of thinking is brought back in Lead Character's mind upon finding out that McDonald's Philippines is now offering the McSpicy chicken burger.

Right after watching Man of Steel, Lead Character and friends go straight to the nearest McDonald's to order, to taste once again, the aggressive kick that McSpicy chicken burger offers. After the first bite, Lead Character bows his head low and bursts into tears. Not quite as spicy as when he first tasted it....

FLASHBACK:

SUPERS: Singapore, May 2011

Lead Character and friends are exhausted after partying in Clarke Quay. They drop by McDonald's to grab something to eat. Lead Character doesn't order anything, still quite full and already sleepy. In a few hours, they'll be on a bus to Malaysia.

LEAD CHARACTER (lips pointing to his friend's food): NonFacebooker, that doesn't look like anything they offer in the Philippines.

NONFACEBOOKER: OMG, it's really good. It's spicy chicken burger, nom nom aahhh nom.

LEAD CHARACTER: May I have a bite?

NONFACEBOOKER: Sure, sure.

LEAD CHARACTER: Nom nom aaahh it's really spicy aaahh.

LEAD CHARACTER makes a mental note to order a whole burger for himself next time.

SUPERS: Two days later....

Finally, Lead Character gets a whole burger for himself. It's nighttime. The next day they're going to Universal Studios.

LEAD CHARACTER: Nom nom aahh wow it's really spicy.

Beads of sweat the size of ganglion cysts are dripping from Lead Character's forehead. It looks like he's in the shower crying after getting raped by women.

LEAD CHARACTER: Nom nom OMG this is too much I love it nom nom.

SUPERS: The next day....

There's an unsettling sound coming from Lead Character's belly, like something out of a disaster movie, something that portends mass destruction, like some evil monster about to destroy an entire city. Lead Character runs to the toilet.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mon mon mon (Get it? The opposite of 'nom nom nom.' Or perhaps that gives the impression Lead Character is throwing up? No, Lead Character is not throwing up.) Jesus H. Christ! What is happening?

It feels like Lead Character is shitting a mix of razorblades and barbed wire. And because there's a dozen of them and only one bathroom, Lead Character finishes quickly.

SUPERS: An hour later....

At the MRT station, Lead Character hears that portentous sound again coming from his belly. This time, it's not just auditory, it's sensational!

LEAD CHARACTER (to his friends): Guys, I'm really sorry, but I need to drop my kids off at the pool again.

Concerned with the tortured look on Lead Character's face, his friends tell him yes, they still have time, he can drop his kids off at the pool if it's really necessary. So off Lead Character goes to the public toilet.

There's only him, another guy, and a woman wearing a uniform, presumably the CLEANING LADY, 70s. Lead Character picks a stall. Normally, he waits for everyone to leave the public restroom before he drops his kids off. But this is not a normal time. So off his kids go, still feeling like razorblades and barbed wire, and this time, compounded by what feels like rock salt over an open wound. Lead Character is tempted to scream.

There's a knock on the stall door.

LEAD CHARACTER: There's someone here....

CLEANING LADY: (Something in Mandarin)

LEAD CHARACTER: Wait....

CLEANING LADY: (Something in angry Mandarin, and she's now pounding on the door)

LEAD CHARACTER: Wait... wait....

CLEANING LADY: (Livid Mandarin, more pounding on the door.)

Lead Character hurries. He wipes himself clean, or so he thinks, and steps out. Cleaning Lady is looking at him angrily. She's already had the main door locked. She unlocks it and shows Lead Character out. Lead Character gives her an apologetic stare with his head low.

Whatever Cleaning Lady was after, Lead Character will never know. Lead Character suspects she just wants to be alone while cleaning the facilities.

Lead Character's FRIENDS: So, you're all good?

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head): I can't promise.

When they reach Universal Studios, Lead Character feels the monster in his belly again.

LEAD CHARACTER (pleading look): Guys... I'm really sorry.

One of Lead Character's friends, KIYLI MINOGUE, male, late 20s, laughs.

KIYLI MINOGUE: Hemorrhoids! You have hemorrhoids if it hurts that much!

Lead Character feels like crying. How can he possibly get on a roller coaster if he has hemorrhoids?

Thankfully, Lead Character doesn't have hemorrhoids. His third time dropping the kids off at the pool kills the monster off. Lead Character feels free, not as a bird, but as something who just dropped the final blast of spicy shit after hours of torment.

For Lead Character, it's the best day of his life. And with the weakened spiciness of McSpicy chicken burger in the Philippines, Lead Character is disappointed knowing he may never experience that day again. After everything he's been through, Lead Character realizes that the best thing on earth is not love, or money, or friendship, or family. The best thing on earth is the feeling of relief.

The look of relief on Lead Character's face.

How Lead Character Lost His Fifth Cell Phone

Season 2 Episode 12
(Season 2 Finale)

Lead Character is drunk again. After two pitchers of Blue Imagination, a strong yet tasty concoction from Karaoke5 (a karaoke hangout), Lead Character’s world starts spinning. And with its spinning comes the carnal desire to shuffle on the dance floor. So after an engrossing discussion on love, sex, books, and fecal matter with most of the usual guest stars—JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, Jorit, Beaj—Lead Character decides it’s time to head off to Twelve, a tiny, suffocating bar that Lead Character and other phallus enthusiasts frequent. Of course, JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, and Jorit are not big on phalluses (or is it phalli?), so he goes there instead with Beaj, picking up BobbinThread, another phallus fan, along the way.

Lead Character admires BobbinThread in superlative magnitude. Several months ago, BobbinThread quit a high-paying job in financial services to pursue his passion in fashion design. He just dropped everything, went to fashion school, then came back and opened his own shop. Now he's dressing up people and life couldn't be more thrilling for him. To quote a line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there." Lead Character feels that unlike BobbinThread, he still has his balls tucked between his legs, and they're tiny.

After hours of sweating their armpits off, Beaj decides it’s time to head on home, leaving BobbinThread and Lead Character to reign over the dance floor all by themselves.

BOBBINTHREAD: I am sooo drunk right now. . .

LEAD CHARACTER: Me, too!

BOBBINTHREAD: . . .sooo drunk, because it's the only manageable thing to be right now.

Lead Character nods in agreement, because if he were in BobbinThread’s shoes, he’d prefer to be in a drunken state as well.

(Flashback: Five hours earlier. . .Lead Character receives a text message from BobbinThread.

“My father only has three months to live, maximum. He needs chemotherapy ASAP.”

Lead Character doesn’t know how to react to the message. He knows no words could ever save BobbinThread’s dad from cancer. All he can really do at this point is just be there for his friend.)

BobbinThread grabs a guy to dance with Lead Character, who immediately obliges. A couple of guys, one in a GRAY SHIRT and another in RED, pass by. Lead Character grabs them to dance with a young white man who’s been dancing all by himself. After a few minutes, GRAY SHIRT and RED free themselves from the white man.

BOBBINTHREAD: I like the guy in red.

LEAD CHARACTER: I like the guy in red for you.

A couple of hours later, BobbinThread and LeadCharacter find themselves outside Twelve, physically exhausted but still high in spirit. Palermo, the bar right next to Twelve, is a fun one. It’s infested with whores who only respond to foreigners, so the underappreciated locals tend to enjoy the attention they get from phallus enthusiasts.

LEAD CHARACTER: Let’s get in there!

BOBBINTHREAD: Let’s!

As they head into the next bar, they notice that GRAY SHIRT and RED are right in front of them.

BOBBINTHREAD: It’s RED! I want to dance with him!

LEAD CHARACTER: In that case, I’m having GRAY SHIRT!

So off they go dancing with the guys. Lead Character makes a bold move and pulls GRAY SHIRT closer towards him. GRAY SHIRT happily grinds with Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER (V.O.): Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!

Just then, GRAY SHIRT pulls himself away from Lead Character and grabs RED with him. They start off to leave. Squinting at the two young men, Lead Character runs his hands on his pockets. His phone is gone.

So that’s it, just like that, Lead Character loses his fifth cell phone. He also lost a couple of his first four cell phones in a similar manner. Lead Character decides he’s not going to have any of it anymore; he has got to grow some balls!

He runs and catches up with GRAY SHIRT, hugging him from behind. Lead Character feels GRAY SHIRT’S pants pocket. It’s definitely his cellphone in there. Katy Perry’s “Firework” blares through the speakers as Lead Character fishes his phone out.

LEAD CHARACTER (cheerfully): Hey! You have my cellphone!

GRAY SHIRT ignores Lead Character and just continues walking away, nervously tailing his friend.

And just like that, Lead Character loses his cell phone, but gets it back immediately using, for what seems like the first time, a pair of balls. If there’s anything worth noting about life, it’s that it is short. One moment it’s your first day at school gaining new friends, the next you’re years beyond college life trying to stay afloat in various ways, because the older you get, the more you have things bringing you down—you have another friend who might be burying his parent soon, and you have a dead-end job to always go back to after your highly anticipated drunken weekends. So it all boils down to which side of the fence you want to end up on—the fucker side or the fucked.

Lead Character, props to him, chose the badass freakfucker side tonight.

Lead Character Likes It Creamy

(Season 2, Episode 11 - Finally, after a long hiatus)

Carbonara, in case you were thinking of something bodily. Lead Character doesn't like the real carbonara, which is dry. Gladly, most cafes he's been to serve their carbonara creamy. He's only been to one restaurant that served authentic carbonara, and he couldn't finish it. It was at Vue, a pretty little place at the Cebu Yacht Club, and while their other dishes were phenomenal, Lead Character had trouble downing their penne pasta carbonara.

So today, after work, Lead Character decides to make himself creamy carbonara, grabbing the recipe from pinoyfoodblog. He'd made the same carbonara last Christmas, but he wasn't able to release the entire affair as an episode because his brother deleted the photos he took of the undertaking.

It's actually supposed to be potato wedges for today, but after a prior attempt that involved their oven exploding in front of his face, making him, his mother, and his aunt yelp like helpless little girls, Lead Character decided to steer clear of baking for now.

The ingredients:

Lead Character decides not to follow pinoyfoodblog completely. Instead of the suggested Spinach Fettuccine, he picks 400g of regular spaghetti. The reason? Budget constraints. He also doesn't bother with the nutmeg. Since he had parsley flakes from his attempt at potato wedges, he decides that will make for a proper replacement. Of course there's 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom, 250ml All Purpose Cream, 1 head of garlic, olive oil, and a cup of instant Korean noodles. Why the Korean noodles, you ask? Well, it's in case Lead Character screws up the sauce and pasta and gets too hungry to cook another batch. Not appearing in the photo are parmesan cheese and the generally needed salt and pepper.

As Lead Character starts cooking the pasta, a major problem arises. The flame doesn't get high enough to boil water. He's already salted it and mixed with drips of olive oil so the pasta won't stick, but it never boils. An hour into it, out of desperation and impatience, Lead Character drops the pasta. And this is where the cup of Korean noodles becomes the hero. Already hungry, Lead Character decides it's time to devour a whole cup.

Surprisingly, the pasta cooks al dente, after almost half an hour of swimming in simmering water. But the real challenge now is preparing the sauce. The flame is just not high enough to cook the meat. Lead Character calls up his mother but she doesn't believe him that their stove might be broken once again.

Lead Character's aunt comes to the rescue. He sees her boiling water in her teeny weeny dirty kitchen, so he pleads for him to cook there. She lets him.

The rest of the cooking goes a lot smoother and faster this time. The end result is a carbonara sauce whose consistency is very much to Lead Character's liking.

Serving suggestion:

Top with parmesan cheese on a cafeteria type of plate to make the dish even more ravishing. See? See?

And now the real challenge: eating the thing. Lead Character thinks it is not that bad. Lead Character's sister likes it better than the one he made last Christmas. Unfortunately, after a while, it does get really. . .I'm having trouble picking the English word for it. . .but in Cebuano the word is ngilngig. . .and the only word I can come up with off the top of my head is. . .Schwarzeneggerey. Yes, after a while, Lead Character's ideal creamy carbonara gets really Schwarzeneggerey.

Lead Character Frenches Up His Shirt

Season 2, Episode 10

One of Lead Character's college friends, Eng, has been having his own designs printed on a shirt, just for his sake and his alone. What impresses Lead Character is how the designs, simple as they may be, are nice to look at and at the same time a very good way of expressing oneself. No, a Facebook status update is not enough. If you want to express yourself, print it on your shirt.

Eng used Japanese characters, something that not everyone in Cebu can understand. Lead Character thinks it's sly, hence he asked Eng to send him a design, one that says something offensive like "I'm a fudgepacker."

But Eng never did deliver, so Lead Character decided to make his own design instead.

The whole process hadn't been easy. Lead Character wanted a ringer T-shirt, not just any plain shirt, for his design not to look too bland. After all, his design is simply a French term in a red Ampersand font. The shop that prints out your designs for you, Transfer It! (located on the first floor of Robinson's), only had plain shirts available, so Lead Character had to search the entire city. The bigger challenge was not just to look for ringer T-shirts, but ringer T-shirts that didn't have prints on them. After hours of looking, Lead Character finally found ringer T-shirts with no prints at Giordano in Ayala.

The idea behind Lead Character's design is to go for something as sly as using Japanese characters, and with his life-long fascination with the French language, he went all out with it--something desperate, something sad.

And viola...

It's "fuck me" in French.

Note: Thanks, Chris and Chris, for teaching Lead Character useful French terms. Soixante-neuf, anyone?

If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 4

Season 2 Episode 08

If you're ever in Iloilo, buy your pasalubong from Deocampo Barquillos. Not that Lead Character can say they have the best barquillos and butternuts and pinasugbos, etc., because he hasn't tried any from other stores, but what Lead Character likes about Deocampo is that its pricing is the same in every branch, even in the one at the airport.

JabberedOnion browsing the goods, rather very mechanically,
probably also making mental notes of her budget for the trip,
and how everything's gone awry.

If you're ever in Iloilo, try the "biggest" burger at Perri Todd's, because Lead Character, Joy Bee, JabberedOnion and JabbereOnion's friends from the Cebu Bloggers Society tried it and they weren't disappointed.

Even the burger itself is salivating. Casa Verde's "biggest" burger
is actually bigger, but this looks a lot more enticing.

Lead Character pretends to be taking
first dibs with a hint of aristocracy. (Photo
taken by Rio.)

For a detailed review of Perri Todd's, you might want to check out Rabsin's food blog called iSwallow (sharp, huh?). He hasn't launched it yet, but at Perri Todd's, he pulled the manager from his office and initiated an interview--a classic example of Applied Learning. The day before, they all joined the Visayas Bloggers Summit where Lead Character himself learned quite a handful of useful things about blogging. You might want to check out JabberedOnion's account of the event once she's gotten out of her writer's block. (A memo to JabberedOnion: Please post your entry about the event already, bitch!)

If you're ever in Iloilo and just had a taste of a Perri Todd burger, you might want to hold a contest among your peers: Who can mimic the Perri Todd mascot pose the best?

For Lead Character, he only managed to mimic successfully the mascot's double chin. JabberedOnion captured the eyes. Rabsin got the mouth and the left hand. Joy Bee, most disappointingly, never really tried hard enough.

If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure your stay there is more than just for one weekend. Lead Character only spent a weekend there and he didn't get enough. It's pretty much just like Cebu but with more good-looking waiters, something that almost became Lead Character's undoing. Thankfully, he was able to hold it together. By the time he boarded the plane that was to fly him back to his beloved city, he vowed, just as General MacArthur did, "I shall return."*

*Just so we're clear, Lead Character is not returning to Iloilo to destroy the Japanese. He just wanted something artsy-fartsy for an ending to a four-part series, and he doesn't really have the time nor the intellectual capacity to come up with something better.

If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 3

Season 2 Episode 07

If you're ever in Iloilo, it is a given that you should party at Smallville. Smallville is a vast stretch of road with establishments ranging from coffee shops to restos to bars that cater to economic classes A, B, C, D, E, and well, as you might have already guessed, Koreans. Lead Character learned that the A and B crowd is mostly seen at Ice, and at the area where The Venue is, as Lead Character himself witnessed. Classes C and D go to Pirates, which is where Lead Character and his friends would have definitely belonged if Smallville were in Cebu, but since they're "tourists," they first settled at Mexicana Cantina, hoping to get some shots of cheap tequila. To their dismay, Mexicana Cantina didn't serve Mojitos, leaving them with no choice but drink Jose Cuervo. It's better to go broke than never get drunk at all.

If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure you party with the people. Actually, wherever you are, always make sure you have a night allotted for partying with the local folks, to meet new friends, and really get immersed in their drunken culture. Unfortunately for Lead Character, they hung out instead with fellow Cebuanos. An old grade school friend of Joy Bee's, JP, caught up with them at Mexicana Cantina, followed by JP's friend, JR. (Guys who go by their initials. . .quite interesting. Lead Character considered for a second going by LC, but he realized people might mistake that for Lauren Conrad, and a sentence using LC referring to Lead Character might make Perez Hilton's head spin, i.e., "LC has just been spotted shopping at Tita Guapa." But we digress.)

If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure you party with the people. Lead Character can't quite stress this enough. Because aside from hanging out with fellow Cebuanos, he and his friends didn't go party with the people. They instead went karaoke at the Annex. Karaoke! Something that can be done back in Cebu with fellow Cebuanos! Dagnabbit!

Photo courtesy of JabberedOnion.

This isn't saying Lead Character didn't have fun. JP and JR were extra fun to hang out with. And the Annex, after all, served Mojitos, which was all that Lead Character and his friends ordered for the Php1,200 (consumable, 3 hours worth) that they were charged for for the private videoke room that the Annex staff described as the small room. Lead Character, however, thought it could house two non-abstaining Catholic families. JabberedOnion then contacted her friends, Rabsin and Rio, from the Cebu Bloggers Society. The result was a night full of drunken singing of duets and ambitious solos.

By the time the Annex closed, Lead Character was already out by the bushes puking nothing but bile, saliva, and throat cells, with well-dressed twentysomethings behind him laughing (at him or at something else, Lead Character will never know).

And that, ladies and gents, is how you should not spend a night out in Iloilo. Lead Character would have really preferred bumping and grinding with the people. But then again, remembering now how the night went, Lead Character remembers it was him who might have suggested they go karaoke.

Stay tuned, for there might or might not be a 4th installment.

If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 2

Season 2 Episode 06

If you're ever in Iloilo, you should know that there's this charming little hotel called Highway21. Out from the main street, it seems like a sleazy motel that couples and trios (depending on your sense of adventure) check into for 2-3 hours of reckless abandon, because it seems to be secluded that way. However, once you see its facade, you'll realize it's actually for decent, fun-loving tourists.

 

After their horrendous experience at City Corporate Inn, Lead Character and friends decided to take some action. Lucky for them, Highway21 was suggested. They didn't have free wi-fi; they charge Php100 for every 24 hours, and the connection wasn't really that fast, but it was miles better than having no connection at all.

Lead Character and friends got a small room that was good for two persons only and just had an extra bed added--both for economic purposes and because Highway21 had no other rooms available.

What surprised Lead Character was the food that the hotel served. For the usual price of around Php150, you'd get huge servings--almost double, in fact. After a night out at Smallville (all the dirt will be exposed in the next installment) where they downed shots of tequila, Lead Character and friends ate the whole day. First was at 12nn. They ordered a bowl of soup that they thought was enough for one person, but turned out to be enough to feed eighteen wrestlers. They also had chicken and pork adobo and chicken curry that they couldn't finish even after their second meal at 4pm. At around 8pm, Lead Character ordered a plateful of spaghetti bolognese that had so much meat in it JabberedOnion couldn't help but dig in herself, despite her assertion that she was not hungry.

Stay tuned to find out how Lead Character and friends partied on a Saturday night in the city of love.

If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 1

Season 2 Episode 05

If you're ever in Iloilo, do not check into City Corporate Inn!

Lead Character and his friends decided to fly to Iloilo for the Visayas Blogger Summit, which Lead Character hoped would improve his sitcom-blog's ratings and thereby avoid getting axed.

The only hotel they found online that had free wi-fi in the rooms at affordable rates was City Corporate Inn. But much to their dismay, the experience was horrific.

There was no Internet connection in the room. They can get into the wifi network, but Internet access was nonexistent. The person-in-charge (or whatever her job title was, as Lead Character thought at first she was the VP of Staff Members Who Do Not Love Their Jobs--she only smiled once; the rest of the time she looked like she was contemplating suicide) went up to their room to show Lead Character and his friends, JabberedOnion and Joy Bee, that she can browse on her laptop. Lead Character wasn't convinced because even his phone could not pick up the Internet connection, as well as JabberedOnion's laptop and iPhone. But as shown in previous episodes, Lead Character doesn't really have the personality to be bossy, so he kept quiet about it. Thankfully, JabberedOnion is a raving maniac when it comes to bad customer service, so she told the alleged VP of SMWDNLTJ off that the Internet was the main reason they chose their hotel. Unfortunately, the issue remained unresolved.

Another shitty thing about the room was that even if it featured a mini-fridge, it had no outlet close by to be plugged into. Joy Bee had to drag the mini-fridge right outside the bathroom, which had the only sensible electrical outlet available.

And just when you think all the terror ends there, you're wrong. Lead Character and friends couldn't find the remote control for the TV anywhere. When they asked Room Service where it was, they were simply told that they were to pay Php 200 for having lost it.

Well, isn't that just icing on the cake.

Stay tuned to find out how Lead Character and his friends found a much better hotel to stay in when you're in Iloilo.

Lead Character Learns Absolute Truths at a Wake

Season 2, Episode 04

LEAD CHARACTER’S distant uncle, who wasn’t that much older than LEAD CHARACTER so he considered him his distant cousin, recently died of a heart attack. At the wake, LEAD CHARACTER is herded by his MOTHER here and there to introduce him to relatives he can no longer recall as having been part of his early years, except for the godmother who used to give him presents every Christmas day.

After the litany, LEAD CHARACTER walks up to the coffin to view his dead cousin. Dead people look very peaceful, something that LEAD CHARACTER envies. People who are left to live usually have things in their heads bugging them, be it something as painful as losing a loved one, or something as wonderful as finding one, or something as mundane as getting a new haircut for a job interview. For LEAD CHARACTER, as long as you’re alive, you’ll always be bound by time—ghosts of the past, challenges of an undecided future, and the strenuous feat of keeping it together for the present. But when you’re dead, you transcend time. There is no past, no present, no future. LEAD CHARACTER wishes he were dead.

However, LEAD CHARACTER’S rumination on death is interrupted when a group of men and women walk in with guitars and sheet music and Bibles. Everyone at the wake is then asked to take their seats. LEAD CHARACTER thinks for a moment that they’re going to have another round of prayers for the dead, but he’s wrong. The arrival of the group of men and women is not for the dead, but for the living. The group, it turns out, is there to proselytize.

After a couple of praise and worship songs, the group’s leader, who looks a lot like German Moreno (thus from hereon will be referred to as GERMAN MORENO), starts his talk with verses from the Bible that state absolute truths about life. They’re absolute truths because they’re from the Bible. Apparently the Christian Bible is as infallible as the sun rising in the east.

Absolute Truth #1: People die.

LEAD CHARACTER is stunned. He thought some people are immortal, like Madonna. But then again, maybe Madonna is already dead. She just looks alive these days because of Adobe Photoshop.

Absolute Truth #2: We’ll never know when we’re going to die.

LEAD CHARACTER is even more stunned. He thought he knew exactly when he’s going to die: October 27th, 2012, 4:38pm.

Absolute Truth #3: There is hell.

LEAD CHARACTER is impressed. Apparently, GERMAN MORENO has been to hell and back.

GERMAN MORENO: Now, if you want to avoid going to hell, whose fires are black, which are a lot more painful than yellow and blue fire, all you need to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior. Now let us all close our eyes and bow our heads. . . .

LEAD CHARACTER looks around. Pretty much everyone is hesitant. Who knows what will happen if everyone had their eyes closed? GERMAN MORENO will still steal a wet kiss from an unsuspecting person?

After a few more urging, everyone bows their heads. LEAD CHARACTER bows his head but keeps his eyes open, keeping close watch on his crotch to make sure nothing untoward will happen to it.

GERMAN MORENO: Now, I would like you to raise your hand if you want me to include you in my prayers.

LEAD CHARACTER knows exactly what is happening. If he raises his hand, GERMAN MORENO will acknowledge that LEAD CHARACTER has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior, thereby making him go to (gasp!) heaven, a place full of baby harpists in golden diapers. That, for LEAD CHARACTER, is creepy.

GERMAN MORENO: OK, we only have one person here who hasn’t raised his hand. Young man, don’t you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

LEAD CHARACTER panics. He’s pretty sure GERMAN MORENO is referring to him.

GERMAN MORENO: Young man?

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t move an inch. He pretends to be asleep.

GERMAN MORENO: Young man, do you want to go to hell?

Yes, LEAD CHARACTER thinks. Hell is full of oiled musclemen screaming. Yes, I’d like to go to hell please.

But LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t respond. Apparently, pretending to be asleep is not helping. LEAD CHARACTER pushes the envelope and pretends to be dead.

Lead Character Gets His First Ever Moleskine Notebook

Season 2 Episode 03

Lead Character Almost Misses His Flight

Season 2 Episode 02

LEAD CHARACTER hops into a cab and tells the CABBIE to take him to the airport, fast, as he’s running late. His flight is at 4:20pm. It’s already 3:10. The CABBIE smiles as he steps on it.

CABBIE: Who’s your President?

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

CABBIE: Your President … who are you voting for?

LEAD CHARACTER: Yeah, I know. I was just wondering why you want to know.

CABBIE: You know, people who are in a hurry are usually mocked by Fate. You get all sorts of interceptions along the way and you might end up missing your flight.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK! I’m voting for Noynoy.

The cab accelerates.

CABBIE: I’m voting for Villar.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK.

LEAD CHARACTER manages to stop his face from throwing out a look of disgust. He thinks Villar is full of shit. Villar’s campaign revolves around having grown up poor in order to appeal to the masses. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t believe any of it, and he’s annoyed that people actually buy it. With Villar in his TVC are really poor children (or child actors portraying poor children), who sing that only Villar can take them out of poverty. If that's the case, why not showcase the children as rich already? Is Villar only planning on making them rich after shooting the commercial, or after the elections, in case he wins? And what if he doesn't win? Will those children stay poor?

CABBIE: Why are you voting for Noynoy, anyway?

LEAD CHARACTER (squirming in his seat): It’s just a family consensus. My mother wants our votes to be uniform.

The truth is, LEAD CHARACTER is still torn between Gibo and Noynoy. Gibo for he’s such a cutie, and Noynoy for having come from a decent, historically-relevant family. Yes, per LEAD CHARACTER’S standards, Kris Aquino is decent, and she herself is historically-relevant—all by herself. (Who else kept an entire nation glued to the TV screen to hear her recount having contracted a sexually transmitted disease?) LEAD CHARACTER is yet to vote for a dream president, though. His dream president would have to have a no-bullshit campaign that encourages a certain belief system that LEAD CHARACTER would have to delve deeper into in another episode as it’s neither here nor there.

Later, they get jammed in traffic. The CABBIE turns to LEAD CHARACTER and winks.

CABBIE: I told you. Interceptions.

LEAD CHARACTER sinks in his seat.

They arrive at the airport at 3:50pm. There should still be enough time. LEAD CHARACTER sprints to the Check-In Counter. There are around 4 people huddled around it. A SECURITY GUARD notices LEAD CHARACTER.

GUARD: Where are you off to?

LEAD CHARACTER: Kalibo.

GUARD (panicked): Oh Em Eff Gee!!! (to the counter) We have another one for Kalibo! This isn’t good…. (to LEAD CHARACTER) Give me your papers! Quick!

LEAD CHARACTER feels like throwing up. He hands his itinerary and ID to the GUARD.

Weird enough, LEAD CHARACTER gets his boarding pass first. The 3 or 4 people queueing, which include a kindly nun, have not gotten their boarding passes yet.

LEAD CHARACTER heads to where he’s supposed to pay for a terminal fee. It’s closed. He doesn’t know what to do. He starts to think how nuns bother him. Nuns immediately get good impressions for wearing a habit. People inevitably think of them as cool and gentle because of what they wear. Even LEAD CHARACTER thinks of them immediately as kind and cool and gentle. Even the nun earlier at the Check-In Counter who moved at a glacial pace seemed nice and readily likable. But the other civilians in line, Lead Character would have to size them up first for the way they speak, the way they dress, and, if possible, see if they were Mac or Windows users.

GUARD: What are you doing? Go to the next one! You’re lucky you were allowed in. The plane’s already cruising….

LEAD CHARACTER runs. He runs his chubby ass out to the gate, zooming past the waiting area, straight to the tarmac where, from a distance, under the piercing heat of the sun, men in yellow point him to where his plane is. Looking ahead, he sees three planes lined up, and he doesn’t know which one the men are pointing to. He takes his chances and goes up to the first one. FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1 is standing over him at the top of the ladder.

LEAD CHARACTER (panting): Is this for Kalibo?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1: Why, yes, Sir.

LEAD CHARACTER, relieved like crazy, steps inside and finds that … lo and behold … he's all alone, except for FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2, who smiles at him earnestly.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2: LEAD CHARACTER, you’re the first to arrive.

THE END

The Art of Teleparablizing

Season 2 Episode 01


Teleparablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: “That’s just like the episode where Jan lost her glasses!”
- Douglas Coupland, Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture

Lead Character and another one of his close friends, Becky, are exhausted, even if all they did all day was sit in a coffee shop somewhere along Osmeña Blvd. Now they’re sitting again, outside the coffee shop this time, having their last cigarettes before heading on home.

Becky: Yeah, so that’s pretty much it. He’s acting somewhat like my friend again, despite our history together.

Ah, Becky and her history with whatsisname. To make the long story short, it was a love affair that involved a reckless betrayal of trust. And that was almost two years ago. Two years, and the wound still stings fresh for Becky. And now whatsisname texts her like the good old days—days before the love affair started, way long before the reckless betrayal of trust happened.

Lead Character: Maybe he wants more than friendship again, Beck. Why else would he ask you out to watch In My Life? And why would you watch it with him, anyway? You’ve already seen it....

Becky: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I’m over him. I don’t understand why I want to undo that.

Lead Character: Didn’t Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) have a man in her life who broke her heart once, and when they were given a second chance at it, she let him break her heart again? Maybe you want to go Samantha Jones on him.

Becky (heavy sigh): I don’t want to go Samantha Jones on him; I want to go Carrie Bradshaw on him. At the end of the day, it’s safe to say he’s my Mr. Big.

Lead Character: He’s actually more like your Carrie Bradshaw, and you his Aidan Shaw.

Becky: Whatever, Lead Character.

Lead Character: Whatever, Becky.

Long silence.

Becky: Hey, in case I die, will you tell my parents that I want to be cremated? I really think I’m going to die late next year.

Lead Character (eye-roll): Is this about your suspected tumor again? You really have to see a doctor about that so you can stop guessing.

Becky: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I have a tumor.

Lead Character (shifts weight in his seat): Oh, so you already saw an oncologist for that?

Becky: No, female intuition.

Lead Character: This just reminds me of Kitty Walker (Brothers & Sisters). She has cancer now, do you know that?

Becky (shakes head): I don’t really watch Brothers & Sisters.

Lead Character: Oh, well, this is like In My Life then. Luis Manzano’s character had cancer, you know....

Becky: I know. Hey, what happened to your Mr. Big? Any update on the whole unfriending hullabaloo?

Lead Character (laughing): Oh, he is so not my Mr. Big. He’s just plain-old unfriender. No character on TV’s ever unfriended another character on TV, anyway.

Becky: Probably because it’s a lame thing to do. (With conviction) And TV’s never lame!

Lead Character: Right on. I was even tempted to go Blair Waldorf on him, but only for a second. I realized I should just move past it.

Becky: Blair Waldorf...?

Lead Character: Gossip Girl, my dear friend. (Cocking his head) What the hell are you watching these days?

Becky: Uh... So You Think You Can Dance?

Lead Character: Oh, right. Well, we can’t really apply that in real life.

Becky (nodding): I guess we can’t.

Becky and Lead Character put off their final sticks of cigarette and left the coffee shop, calling it a highly productive day.

---

Note to my blog-viewers:

If you have problems you feel you cannot solve on your own, place them in the Comments section here and Lead Character will come up with solutions for you through teleparablizing.

Are you crazy about someone who does not even know you exist? Find out why going Sketch on the person is the best way to go.

Are you getting expelled from school and you have no idea how to handle it? Learn which TV show has proven that the only way past that is to say “Fuck it,” and get into real estate instead.
Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Great Boobs of Fire!

(Season One Finale)

Lead Character and Tee, girlfriend of his girl friend Dee, are sitting bored out of their wits outside Seattle's Best at the Terraces. Dee is still inside finishing something on her laptop. By the time she catches up with Lead Character and Tee, the two are already talking about the Roman Polanski case, the term "hebephilia," the song "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morissette, which is about hebephilia, and, as brought up by Tee, the movie Great Balls of Fire!, which is based on the true story of '50s musician Jerry Lee Lewis, who married a 13-year-old.

Dee: OMG, Tee. Do you have to be such a know-it-all?

Tee: Huh? Really? Was I being a know-it-all? It just so happens I remember the movie....

Lead Character: Yeah, I never really got that know-it-all vibe from you....

Lead Character stops and checks out the guy passing by. The guy has smooth, probably medically-enhanced, skin, and gigantic, gym-developed pecs.

Lead Character (to Dee and Tee): Man, look at those man-boobs! That guy is hot!

Dee knots her brows at Lead Character, right before taking a bat from her purse and clubbing Lead Character with it on the head.

Dee: You horny bitch! Don't you recognize the girl that he's with?

Lead Character (while massaging his bleeding temples): Huh? Who?

Tee: Oh, yeah! I recognize her.

Lead Character (squints at Recognizable Girl): Oh, yeah!

Dee (teary-eyed): OMG! We have to have our picture taken with her! OMG!

Lead Character: OMG! Let's! Let's!

Tee: Um, hehe, yeah, I'll just pass.

Dee and Lead Character hurry off to Recognizable Girl. Other losers mall customers are already having their pictures taken with her.

Dee and Lead Character: Hi, Recognizable Girl! Can we go next!

Recognizable Girl (with a friendly yet uncomfortable smile): Sure, sure!

After Lead Character takes Dee's picture with Recognizable Girl, Lead Character stands right next to Recognizable Girl, whom he realizes now must play Lead Character in Lead Character Chronicles: The Movie.

Dee raises her Blackberry in front of them.

Dee: Say Cheese!

CLICK!

Lead Character (telling himself): This is sooo going on my blog!

Lead Character Learns How to Cook

(Season One, Episode 08)

Before today, LEAD CHARACTER has never cooked anything real, unless you count scrambled eggs and instant noodles with egg real. (Hmmm... in a way, LEAD CHARACTER has a fascination with eggs.) LEAD CHARACTER has always wanted to learn how to cook something real, or something that takes more than 15 minutes to cook. He asked his MOTHER before if she could teach him her own treatment of Estufado, but they both never had the time.

But since it's a long Christmas vacation, LEAD CHARACTER figures that this might be the perfect time to learn how to cook. So he searches online for a recipe of your traditional, everyday pancakes, after which he goes to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.

Half-way through his cooking, LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel exhausted. But he pushes on. This has got to be a feat that anyone can manage.

Finally, he produces his very first pancake.


And soon enough, he finishes one complete with butter and maple syrup. Both his MOTHER and FATHER taste it. They smirk at LEAD CHARACTER then proceed to watching the evening news. Yes, LEAD CHARACTER cooked the pancakes at dusk. And whatever his parents' smirk meant, LEAD CHARACTER will never know.
Tomorrow, LEAD CHARACTER will try cooking Seared Ostrich Filet with Heirloom Tomato Risotto and Abalone Reduction. But if it turns out his company no longer has the ostriches in their cages, he will try instead cooking Sweet Black Chicken and Salty Geoduck nestled with Quinoa and Two Cucumber Ribbons.
Happy New Year everyone!

Chopping Green Tomatoes

(Season One, Episode 07)

It’s almost noon and LEAD CHARACTER can see an ice cream vendor outside the window blowing the horns out of his bicycle-driven drum of ice cream. LEAD CHARACTER recoils at the noise. His head is pounding, his mouth dry, and his ass sore (though in a good way). He chugs on a bottle of water to quench his gargantuan (hehe, gargantuan) thirst. Then the young man with a FLAT STOMACH enters the room.

FLAT STOMACH: My boardmates are still in the sala. Do you mind waiting for a coupla more minutes?

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head weakly): It’s fine. Just let me know when it’s OK to go outside because I really need to use your communal bathroom. My bladder is about to explode.

Yes, aside from the headache and the thirst and the ass-soreness, LEAD CHARACTER has been holding his pee for almost two hours. The previous night had been too irresponsible for him to recover from; bottles of Red Horse paraded like ants in his midst.

FLAT STOMACH then sits on the bed behind LEAD CHARACTER and spoons him.

FLAT STOMACH: I want a boyfriend. Will you be my boyfriend?

LEAD CHARACTER, out of politeness, giggles.

LEAD CHARACTER: That won’t be right. We don’t even know each other.

FLAT STOMACH: Why? Don’t you want a boyfriend? I want a boyfriend. I want someone to talk to.

LEAD CHARACTER: Why? Don’t you talk to your friends?

FLAT STOMACH: But I can’t hug my friends like this… (hugs Lead Character tight). And I can’t kiss them like this… (kisses Lead Character’s nape)

LEAD CHARACTER stops himself from gagging.

LEAD CHARACTER: Sorry. Relationships aren’t my thing.

FLAT STOMACH: Will you find me a boyfriend then?

LEAD CHARACTER (mental voice-over): Sure. In return, find me a beating heart for myself.

At this point, because of his own mental voice-over, LEAD CHARACTER gags. He holds the vomit from exploding out of his mouth then swallows it.

LEAD CHARACTER: Look, I really need to go.

So FLAT STOMACH heads back out of the room. In a few moments, he comes back and tells LEAD CHARACTER that it’s already safe to leave.

They sneak out of FLAT STOMACH’S boarding house after LEAD CHARACTER has peed a bucketful in the bathroom. Before hopping on a jeepney, FLAT STOMACH asks for his number. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want to give it, but he reconsiders “why the hell not” since he likes FLAT STOMACH’s flat stomach. It’s something that he doesn’t have.

LEAD CHARACTER sleeps the jeepney ride off from the one-hour-away-from-Ayala area to Ayala. After an hour, he arrives at Ayala. He then heads straight to the jeepney terminal where he realizes that he’s too hungry to get on another jeepney. So he goes to the Shawarma stand.

LEAD CHARACTER: One Shawarma, please. (Extends his one-hundred peso bill.)

SHAWARMA VENDOR: Do you have a smaller bill? I just started my day. I don’t have change for that.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head): No, I only have this amount. I wish to god Shiva that I had the exact amount of twenty-five pesos, but I don’t.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then shrugs his shoulder and proceeds to chopping green tomatoes. LEAD CHARACTER is appalled. He waits for SHAWARMA VENDOR to turn back to him to make him his Shawarma, and perhaps do the initiative of asking for change from the next stall, but SHAWARMA VENDOR doesn’t. A GUY then comes to buy Shawarma. The guy hands SHAWARMA VENDOR a twenty-peso bill and a five-peso coin. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for the GUY.

LEAD CHARACTER: How about mine?

SHAWARMA VENDOR: I still have no change for your hundred pesos.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then turns his back again at LEAD CHARACTER and continues chopping them green tomatoes.

Two middle-aged LADIES then come by to buy two Shawarmas. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for them. At this point, LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying. He makes a mental note to call Persian Palate to report the asshole.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaky voice): So I’m guessing you’ll have change after this?

SHAWARMA VENDOR simply looks LEAD CHARACTER in the eye then goes back to preparing Shawarma for the two middle-aged LADIES.

LEAD CHARACTER plans to go ahead and order Shawarma anyway but then leave after SHAWARMA VENDOR has made it. He also considers just leaving, because his head is pounding and he’s thirsty again. But then, in an act of desperation, for not knowing how exactly to hurt SHAWARMA VENDOR the way SHAWARMA VENDOR has hurt his feelings, LEAD CHARACTER squeezes the middle-aged ladies’ breasts then runs away.

The End

Impulse in the Time of Flatulence

(Season One, Episode 06)

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel it while on a jeepney on the way to Mango Square: something clawing from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon, a feeling of utter discomfort. Now, he couldn’t tell yet if it’s a lump of sharp air or a mound of fecal matter. What he knows is he has to keep his rectum closed lest something unpleasant will unveil itself on a public transportation.

He finally reaches Mango Square after what seemed like 3 years. He immediately runs to the R-Biz boutique where a financial transaction takes place. After getting his money, LEAD CHARACTER feels that the clawing force that settled in his Sigmoid Colon may have dissipated thin already, thus making it manageable to let out, so he goes to an empty corner and releases it. Yes, it’s just air, thankfully.

LEAD CHARACTER then makes his way to the mall’s exit until it occurs to him he has money in his pocket. This is one of his weaknesses. Even if he has money that’s intended for more important matters (i.e., bills, bills, bills), he always has to urge to spend some of it. So he drops by National Bookstore to see if there’s a book he can buy. LEAD CHARACTER wants to go back to reading fiction again, as the last books he’s read have been all non-fiction. He vacillates between the first Gossip Girl book and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. He’s worried, though, that he might not enjoy Gossip Girl as he’s already seen the first season of the TV adaptation, and the first book has been pretty much covered already by the TV series, so he considers Twilight. For this, he also has trouble deciding since he’s been getting feedback from friends that it’s nothing but this season’s Harry Potter for college kids, not to mention the allegedly cringe-worthy love quotes in it. So he goes to the Philippine Literature section to see if there’s something he could pick up. It then occurs to him that he has backlogs at home, books that he’s either only half-read or not read yet at all, and they’ve been waiting for him to pick them up. If he really wants fiction, he can just head straight home and pick one of those books up. But no, there’s money in his pocket so he has to spend some of it.



And then suddenly, it started again—that clawing force slithering its way from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon. This time there really is no telling if it’s just air or the tangible supply of his digestive system. He goes to the back shelves, in between the Sci-Fi and the Classic Literature sections. With all the strength his anus could absorb from his entire body, he attempts to stop the discharge.

He fails.

A trail of thick, tube-like lump of musty air makes its way through his jeans to all of the A-F Bestsellers shelves.

Weakened by the feat, he staggers his way out of the shelves then picks a random book up along the way. While in line for the cashier, he realizes he’s picked Chuck Palahniuk’s Rant. He’s not familiar with Palahniuk’s work. He didn’t even see Fight Club. But the movie Choke has been getting some sort of hype so maybe Mr. Palahniuk is not a bad read after all.

LEAD CHARACTER goes home and reads the first few pages of Rant in the toilet. This book is funny in a promising way, he tells himself as he holds his breath for yet another solid deposit.

Morning News

(Season One, Episode 05)

It’s a crisp Monday morning. LEAD CHARACTER wakes up early to have his early-morning fix of oatmeal, coffee, rice, pork chop, chop suey, and Coke. He goes online while having his breakfast. From the corner of his eyes, he sees his mother staring at him.

MOTHER: Lead Character, go get ready for work!

LEAD CHARACTER chooses to ignore his mother and blog-hops instead.

MOTHER: You’re going to be late! Get your ass moving!

LEAD CHARACTER shakes his head and pulls up WMP to play his early morning playlist: Tori Amos, Jason Mraz, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna…

MOTHER: Why won’t you listen to me?! You’re going to be late and you’ll end up taking a cab again!!!

LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and slams the mouse hard on the desk.

LEAD CHARACTER: Will you please get off my back?!

MOTHER (pinching LEAD CHARACTER on the waist): Are you raising your voice at me?

LEAD CHARACTER: Alright, alright! I’m taking a shower!

LEAD CHARACTER stands up and heads straight to the bathroom.

LEAD CHARACTER (under his breath): Bitch!

He doesn’t like it if his morning is ruined because of his mother’s early-morning banter-cum-reprimand. He wants his mother to just let him be. If he gets to work late, then that’s his problem. It’s times like these that he wishes he moved out of the house already. But at 25, he feels that he hasn’t grown up enough yet to be responsible for himself and himself alone. He wishes he were a Gossip Girl character so it’d be easier to scheme against his family, his mother especially, for being too noisy early in the morning.

So he turns on the faucet in the bathroom to store up some water in the pail. Their water tank is so low-tech that there isn’t enough pressure for water to flow properly through their shower nozzle. If he chooses to shower, it’d only be like showering under a drizzle.

LEAD CHARACTER (singing while shampooing): What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence….

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): (something inaudible for Lead Character)

LEAD CHARACTER (annoyed): What?!

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): It’s your (inaudible word). He’s (another inaudible word).

LEAD CHARACTER turns the faucet off.

LEAD CHARACTER: What the fuck did you say?

MOTHER: It’s your grandfather. He died just this morning.

LEAD CHARACTER (ghost-white): Oh.

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel depressed. He thinks of the times he’s yelled at his MOTHER for the very little things. And now he thinks about how his MOTHER lost her mother a few years back. And now it’s his MOTHER’S father. He believes his MOTHER can now be termed as an orphan.

LEAD CHARACTER steps out of the bathroom and takes a peek at his MOTHER in the living room. Her eyes are wet and red and her mouth, a heavy frown. LEAD CHARACTER feels the urge to hold his MOTHER, to tell her he loves her, and that he’s there for her, but he isn’t one who goes for the sentimental. So he stands from a distance and attempts a consoling smile, as if to apologize for yelling at her earlier.

His MOTHER sniffles and wipes away tears as she continues to talk on the phone, telling a close friend that her father just died.

"In Memory of Lolo Togo"
I remember you as the sweetest grandfather one could hope for.

Enemy's Lair, part 2

(Season One, Episode 04)

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside LEAD CHARACTER.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

From hereon, VIOLATOR 2 will be referred to as URINATOR.

VIOLATOR 1 leaves. URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER are then called over by MUSTACHED GUY.

MUSTACHED GUY: Here’s the thing. You have to pay Php500 within 7 days. If you don’t, the CESET Office will file a case against you.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER nod together. LEAD CHARACTER considers not paying. After all, he has a friend whose father is a lawyer. If they want war, they’ll get war. But then again, LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want the publicity. Perhaps his war should be fought in a more furtive manner.

MUSTACHED GUY: Now, all you need to do is pay Teller 3 then come back here to hand me the receipt.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER hurry to the next building where Teller 3 is situated. On their way, LEAD CHARACTER grabs URINATOR'S arm.

URINATOR: What?

LEAD CHARACTER: I want to know where this is going….

URINATOR (cocking his head): What do you mean?

LEAD CHARACTER: I mean us. The question of ‘us.’ You can’t deny that we now have a connection.

URINATOR (taking a step backwards): You’re crazy.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head excitedly): No, I’m not. You don’t get it….

URINATOR: What don’t I get?

LEAD CHARACTER (overflowing with conviction): The City Hall is our enemy. It singled both of us out. We have to fight back. (He shakes URINATOR by the shoulders.) We have to destroy it before it destroys us! We have to fight this thing together!

URINATOR (shaking his head): I’m going to Teller 3. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t.

LEAD CHARACTER retreats to a nearby electrical post and sobs. It saddens him that he has no one to fight his battle with. He looks up, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Looking at the shrinking figure of URINATOR as he walks away, LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and promises to brave through his battles alone.

He lights a cigarette and tails URINATOR.

(Note: The original Multiply version is a lot longer. The creator has decided to cut this episode in half because there's nothing much in the original ending, anyway.)

Enemy's Lair, part 1

(Season One, Episode 03)

LEAD CHARACTER waits in line in the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) Office. He’s been there since six in the morning to apply for a passport for the first time. He never really intended applying for a passport, but it’s another pre-employment requirement from his current company that he hasn’t submitted yet. The other one is his TOR, which he doesn’t want to think about too much at the moment.

He feels stupid. He should have waited in line the day before, since it was a holiday in the city where his company is. But when he got to the DFA office at around ten in the morning, the security guard informed him they only give out priority numbers very early in the morning, so LEAD CHARACTER would have to come back way earlier the next day. So today, even if LEAD CHARACTER has work, he waits in line. After a couple text messages exchanged with his boss, he gets allowed to take the day off.

At around eleven, LEAD CHARACTER submits all of his forms, which have already been encoded, to the INFORMATION GIRL.

INFORMATION GIRL: You need to have your picture retaken.

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

INFORMATION GIRL: Your hair, it’s too close to the edge of the photo. We can’t accept this.

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t feel like crying yet; just annoyed. He can’t understand why the DFA has to be strict on photo margins. It’s not his fault if he has a huge head with big hair. But he nods off and has his picture retaken at the DFA Multipurpose Cooperative. He suspects INFORMATION GIRL knows he didn’t have his picture taken at the DFA Coop, so he’s asked to have it retaken so the Coop can profit more from passport applicants. Government conspiracy? LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t even want to get into it yet.

His retaken picture worries him. He’s been awake since four in the morning. Naturally, he looks tired. But what comes out is not “tired.” He finds it odd that on the picture, his right eye looks a lot sleepier than his left eye. If his first picture has his hair too close to the edge, this one here now looks like he’s one of the NBI top ten most wanted. He submits the picture, anyway, and thankfully it gets accepted. He is asked to come back at one o’clock for the final step of the application: paying the cashier.

LEAD CHARACTER heads out for lunch but he’s worried that he’s already spent an extra Php150 for the photo retake. He is out of cash (like most days). So he goes to the nearest ATM (and by nearest, I mean countries away—it’s noontime; the sun is hot; any distance has to be multiplied by how hot the sun is). In the ATM vestibule, he finds a 100-peso bill lying on the floor. He looks around. No one is watching. There are certainly no cameras visible. So he nonchalantly withdraws cash (and by withdraw, I mean a Cash Advance transaction). After getting his cash, his receipt “accidentally” falls to the floor. He picks it up, devil-may-care, along with the 100-peso bill. He begins to feel weird. Upon stepping out of the ATM vestibule, he stands frozen. He looks around, unsure of what to do next. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he approaches the SECURITY GUARD.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Somebody left a 1oo-peso bill inside. (Waves the money in front of the guard.)

SECURITY GUARD (staring at the bill): Hmmm… I think I know who withdrew before you. He works just right around the corner.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mmmkay.

SECURITY GUARD: Maybe he’ll come back for that later.

LEAD CHARACTER: Of course. Here. (Hands SECURITY GUARD the money.)

SECURITY GUARD accepts.

LEAD CHARACTER walks away feeling half good and half bad. It feels good to be honest. He feels guilt-free. However, he also feels that he was being stupid. Hell, it was only a hundred pesos. If it were a million pesos, there’s no question he has to return it. But a hundred pesos? It’s just too certain no one will come back for it. He’s lost a 500-peso bill before but he never retraced his steps to look for it. He begins to hate himself for being too honest. It could have been free lunch from Fate. But the thing is, he doesn’t believe in Fate or Destiny. So he decides instead to treat himself a big lunch to cheer himself up.

He looks for the nearest KFC. KFC is his favorite fried chicken, especially the spicy ones. He also likes the color brown, and the TV show “Lost.” He also loves sipping tea alone, and smoking on a cold day. Those are a few of his favorite things. He remembers them when the dog bites. Their neighborhood dogs do bite and each time he passes by his neighbors’ houses, he shuts his eyes and wishes for the dogs to go away. But we digress.

So LEAD CHARACTER walks all around Osmeña Blvd. and Colon St. No KFC at all. By this time his shirt is dripping with sweat and he feels that he’s already sporting a tan. He decides to have Chowking instead. He orders spicy beef chao fan, siomai, siopao, and large Sprite. After the hearty meal, he goes outside for a cigarette. It’s a hot day, but he also loves smoking after eating. So he smokes. He’s switched to Marlboro Lights after a couple of years on Reds. His plan is to eventually quit smoking soon.

So he smokes and puffs and stares ahead—not just into the streets but into his future as well. He’s worried that he no longer has the drive to become anything, but he hopes that will change soon. He makes his last drag the longest and his most meaningful. Then he throws the butt into a puddle in front of him. There are already a number of cigarette butts there, anyway, not to mention an empty water bottle and a green mango seed. And then….

GUY IN YELLOW UNIFORM: Um, Sir…

LEAD CHARACTER turns around.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Naa biya ta’y City Ordinance, Sir. Dili man ta pwede molabay ug basura bisa’g asa. (Yellow Uniform starts to take out a ticket stub and a pen from his pocket.) Can I see your ID?

LEAD CHARACTER swallows a large gulp of saliva.

LEAD CHARACTER: Is this… um… are you… there’s a 500-peso fine?

YELLOW UNIFORM nods. LEAD CHARACTER hands him his ID. YELLOW UNIFORM then writes down LEAD CHARACTER'S name on the ticket.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Actually, there are three options for you. You can go there to the City Hall and say sorry, or you pay a fine of 500 pesos. Or if you can’t pay, just opt for CS.

LEAD CHARACTER: You mean Community Service? Or Caesarian?

LEAD CHARACTER cringes at the thought of being forced to give birth just for a City Ordinance violation.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Community Service, sir.

LEAD CHARACTER mulls this over. If he pays 500 pesos he doesn’t have to apologize? But if he chooses to apologize, he doesn’t have to pay? But if he can’t pay and doesn’t want to apologize, he can just render community service? LEAD CHARACTER asks YELLOW UNIFORM to clarify. YELLOW UNIFORM simply tells him it depends on what the people at the City Hall say. He is then directed to go to the City Hall, CESET Office. If he doesn’t go there within seven days, the CESET Office will file a case against him.

LEAD CHARACTER tries to consider his odds. He can not show up at all, then find a good lawyer. The problem is, he doesn’t know who would want to represent someone for simply throwing a cigarette butt.

JUDGE: How do you plead?
LEAD CHARACTER: Your Honor! Move to strike! Move to strike!
JUDGE: What for?
ATTORNEY: Your Honor, he means he’s guilty.
JUDGE: Fifteen years in prison!
LEAD CHARACTER: But… your Honor, I’m not ready. I need to lose weight. I can’t go to prison this unattractive….

So LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the ATM and withdraws cash again. His mind goes back to the hundred pesos. He shakes his head. It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if he did take the hundred pesos and if he were this believer in God, he would have felt it was punishment, his getting caught. But he isn’t a believer, and he never did take the hundred pesos, so all he can think really is everything is just random.

After waiting in line for another three hours at the DFA to complete the final step, he walks to the City Hall. This is another long walk that renders him almost unconscious. But so far LEAD CHARACTER has managed to steel himself both physically and emotionally.

There comes a time when the hero of the story ultimately has to enter the enemy’s lair and fight his first battle. This is the time now for LEAD CHARACTER. Finally, the conspiracy has a face, an office.

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside MUSTACHED GUY.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

To be continued….

Return of Merchandise

(Season One, Episode 02)

LEAD CHARACTER has returned home safely. Over a month has passed. On this one particular night, LEAD CHARACTER is nursing a hangover for having had almost four full glasses of bullfrogs the other night. Bullfrog is a great drink, but only if you have a glass. More than a glass usually spells inappropriate laughing at people with disabilities and sleeping for over four hours in an Internet Cafe. But that is another story. Tonight LEAD CHARACTER still feels a little bit drunk. He craves for spicy beef-flavored instant noodles with egg. So he goes out to the nearest sari-sari store (right next to his house).

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have spicy beef-flavored instant noodles?

SON OF VENDOR: Yes, we do, Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: I would like to buy one, please, Son of Vendor.

LEAD CHARACTER'S gaze shifts to the SON OF VENDOR'S father (which by default just makes him VENDOR). The VENDOR is old. He’s probably in his late fifties. He is wearing a sleeveless shirt and LEAD CHARACTER has a hard time deciding if the VENDOR'S arms are all muscles, or all bones wrapped in veins.

LEAD CHARACTER (cont’d): And one egg.

SON OF VENDOR goes on to get the noodles and egg. But…

SON OF VENDOR: I’m sorry but we’re out of spicy ones. Just plain beef.

LEAD CHARACTER considers this for a minute. He decides that it’s too tiring to go to another sari-sari store.

LEAD CHARACTER: It’s fine. Plain beef will do.

So LEAD CHARACTER gets the egg and the plain beef-flavored instant noodles and pays. He goes home and boils water. While waiting for the water to boil, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that he’s horny. He makes a mental note to masturbate later.

The water boils. LEAD CHARACTER gets a large bowl to beat the egg in. Upon breaking the egg, he finds that it’s bad. Real bad. It has blood.

LEAD CHARACTER looks up and tries to come up with a next plan of action. He knows the right thing to do is to return the egg and ask for another one. But LEAD CHARACTER is not exactly a force of nature. In fact, one has to wonder why he is even a lead character when he does not have a strong enough personality to go through life. He heaves and recalls all those times that he never asked for the 50-centavo change in his numerous jeepney rides to and from work. The jeepney fare is Php6.50. But somehow, drivers seem to think that LEAD CHARACTER is more than happy to pay his entire Php7.00 without asking for a change.

LEAD CHARACTER gathers himself together and goes back to the sari-sari store with the bowl of bloody egg.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Can I have this egg exchanged with a fresh one? It’s bad. (Shows the bowl.)

SON OF VENDOR looks to his father, questioning.

VENDOR (to LEAD CHARACTER): I’m sorry. We have a no-return policy.

LEAD CHARACTER is taken aback.

LEAD CHARACTER: But the egg you just sold me is bad. It has blood. Look. (Tilts the bowl further so it’s visible to the veiny-armed Vendor.)

VENDOR (shaking his head, smiling smugly): I’m sorry, we can’t accept that. We
ourselves cannot return it to the store we bought it from.

LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying.

LEAD CHARACTER: But it’s not my fault your egg is bad.

VENDOR: I’m sorry, kid. But it’s just not possible.

LEAD CHARACTER continues to hold back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER (bowing his head low): OK.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back home, his breathing by this time a lot heavier than on ordinary days. He hurls the bowl of bad egg towards the wall. His MOTHER jolts up from watching TV.

MOTHER: What’s wrong?

LEAD CHARACTER (sobbing): They won’t replace the egg. (Now yelling) They won’t replace the goddamn egg!

LEAD CHARACTER starts throwing things away: their 30-inch flat-screen TV, their printer-copier-scanner-in-one, monobloc chairs….

MOTHER: Calm down, hijo! Calm down!

LEAD CHARACTER'S mother pins him down to the floor.

LEAD CHARACTER: Get off of me! He’s not replacing the egg!

It dawns on LEAD CHARACTER that all of this is probably some big government conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Return of Merchandise Office. Come to think of it, what happened to him at the medical center may have been another conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Medical Exam Office.

MOTHER (whispering in LEAD CHARACTER'S ear): Hush now, child. It’s all going to be OK.

LEAD CHARACTER'S heaving slows and lightens.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Yes, it’s all going to be OK. I’m going to have my revenge. Not to the Vendor, not to the medical receptionist who thought I was thirty-five years old, but to the government. The government is going to pay.

Screen blackens.

Moral of the story: The customer is always right, but sometimes hurt.

See you all next time!