Season 2 Episode 12
(Season 2 Finale)
Lead Character is drunk again. After two pitchers of Blue Imagination, a strong yet tasty concoction from Karaoke5 (a karaoke hangout), Lead Character’s world starts spinning. And with its spinning comes the carnal desire to shuffle on the dance floor. So after an engrossing discussion on love, sex, books, and fecal matter with most of the usual guest stars—JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, Jorit, Beaj—Lead Character decides it’s time to head off to Twelve, a tiny, suffocating bar that Lead Character and other phallus enthusiasts frequent. Of course, JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, and Jorit are not big on phalluses (or is it phalli?), so he goes there instead with Beaj, picking up BobbinThread, another phallus fan, along the way.
Lead Character admires BobbinThread in superlative magnitude. Several months ago, BobbinThread quit a high-paying job in financial services to pursue his passion in fashion design. He just dropped everything, went to fashion school, then came back and opened his own shop. Now he's dressing up people and life couldn't be more thrilling for him. To quote a line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there." Lead Character feels that unlike BobbinThread, he still has his balls tucked between his legs, and they're tiny.
After hours of sweating their armpits off, Beaj decides it’s time to head on home, leaving BobbinThread and Lead Character to reign over the dance floor all by themselves.
BOBBINTHREAD: I am sooo drunk right now. . .
LEAD CHARACTER: Me, too!
BOBBINTHREAD: . . .sooo drunk, because it's the only manageable thing to be right now.
Lead Character nods in agreement, because if he were in BobbinThread’s shoes, he’d prefer to be in a drunken state as well.
(Flashback: Five hours earlier. . .Lead Character receives a text message from BobbinThread.
“My father only has three months to live, maximum. He needs chemotherapy ASAP.”
Lead Character doesn’t know how to react to the message. He knows no words could ever save BobbinThread’s dad from cancer. All he can really do at this point is just be there for his friend.)
BobbinThread grabs a guy to dance with Lead Character, who immediately obliges. A couple of guys, one in a GRAY SHIRT and another in RED, pass by. Lead Character grabs them to dance with a young white man who’s been dancing all by himself. After a few minutes, GRAY SHIRT and RED free themselves from the white man.
BOBBINTHREAD: I like the guy in red.
LEAD CHARACTER: I like the guy in red for you.
A couple of hours later, BobbinThread and LeadCharacter find themselves outside Twelve, physically exhausted but still high in spirit. Palermo, the bar right next to Twelve, is a fun one. It’s infested with whores who only respond to foreigners, so the underappreciated locals tend to enjoy the attention they get from phallus enthusiasts.
LEAD CHARACTER: Let’s get in there!
BOBBINTHREAD: Let’s!
As they head into the next bar, they notice that GRAY SHIRT and RED are right in front of them.
BOBBINTHREAD: It’s RED! I want to dance with him!
LEAD CHARACTER: In that case, I’m having GRAY SHIRT!
So off they go dancing with the guys. Lead Character makes a bold move and pulls GRAY SHIRT closer towards him. GRAY SHIRT happily grinds with Lead Character.
LEAD CHARACTER (V.O.): Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!
Just then, GRAY SHIRT pulls himself away from Lead Character and grabs RED with him. They start off to leave. Squinting at the two young men, Lead Character runs his hands on his pockets. His phone is gone.
So that’s it, just like that, Lead Character loses his fifth cell phone. He also lost a couple of his first four cell phones in a similar manner. Lead Character decides he’s not going to have any of it anymore; he has got to grow some balls!
He runs and catches up with GRAY SHIRT, hugging him from behind. Lead Character feels GRAY SHIRT’S pants pocket. It’s definitely his cellphone in there. Katy Perry’s “Firework” blares through the speakers as Lead Character fishes his phone out.
LEAD CHARACTER (cheerfully): Hey! You have my cellphone!
GRAY SHIRT ignores Lead Character and just continues walking away, nervously tailing his friend.
And just like that, Lead Character loses his cell phone, but gets it back immediately using, for what seems like the first time, a pair of balls. If there’s anything worth noting about life, it’s that it is short. One moment it’s your first day at school gaining new friends, the next you’re years beyond college life trying to stay afloat in various ways, because the older you get, the more you have things bringing you down—you have another friend who might be burying his parent soon, and you have a dead-end job to always go back to after your highly anticipated drunken weekends. So it all boils down to which side of the fence you want to end up on—the fucker side or the fucked.
Lead Character, props to him, chose the badass freakfucker side tonight.
Showing posts with label Season Two. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Season Two. Show all posts
16 August 2011
08 August 2011
Lead Character Likes It Creamy
(Season 2, Episode 11 - Finally, after a long hiatus)
Carbonara, in case you were thinking of something bodily. Lead Character doesn't like the real carbonara, which is dry. Gladly, most cafes he's been to serve their carbonara creamy. He's only been to one restaurant that served authentic carbonara, and he couldn't finish it. It was at Vue, a pretty little place at the Cebu Yacht Club, and while their other dishes were phenomenal, Lead Character had trouble downing their penne pasta carbonara.
So today, after work, Lead Character decides to make himself creamy carbonara, grabbing the recipe from pinoyfoodblog. He'd made the same carbonara last Christmas, but he wasn't able to release the entire affair as an episode because his brother deleted the photos he took of the undertaking.
It's actually supposed to be potato wedges for today, but after a prior attempt that involved their oven exploding in front of his face, making him, his mother, and his aunt yelp like helpless little girls, Lead Character decided to steer clear of baking for now.
The ingredients:
Lead Character decides not to follow pinoyfoodblog completely. Instead of the suggested Spinach Fettuccine, he picks 400g of regular spaghetti. The reason? Budget constraints. He also doesn't bother with the nutmeg. Since he had parsley flakes from his attempt at potato wedges, he decides that will make for a proper replacement. Of course there's 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom, 250ml All Purpose Cream, 1 head of garlic, olive oil, and a cup of instant Korean noodles. Why the Korean noodles, you ask? Well, it's in case Lead Character screws up the sauce and pasta and gets too hungry to cook another batch. Not appearing in the photo are parmesan cheese and the generally needed salt and pepper.
As Lead Character starts cooking the pasta, a major problem arises. The flame doesn't get high enough to boil water. He's already salted it and mixed with drips of olive oil so the pasta won't stick, but it never boils. An hour into it, out of desperation and impatience, Lead Character drops the pasta. And this is where the cup of Korean noodles becomes the hero. Already hungry, Lead Character decides it's time to devour a whole cup.
Surprisingly, the pasta cooks al dente, after almost half an hour of swimming in simmering water. But the real challenge now is preparing the sauce. The flame is just not high enough to cook the meat. Lead Character calls up his mother but she doesn't believe him that their stove might be broken once again.
Lead Character's aunt comes to the rescue. He sees her boiling water in her teeny weeny dirty kitchen, so he pleads for him to cook there. She lets him.
The rest of the cooking goes a lot smoother and faster this time. The end result is a carbonara sauce whose consistency is very much to Lead Character's liking.
Serving suggestion:
Top with parmesan cheese on a cafeteria type of plate to make the dish even more ravishing. See? See?
And now the real challenge: eating the thing. Lead Character thinks it is not that bad. Lead Character's sister likes it better than the one he made last Christmas. Unfortunately, after a while, it does get really. . .I'm having trouble picking the English word for it. . .but in Cebuano the word is ngilngig. . .and the only word I can come up with off the top of my head is. . .Schwarzeneggerey. Yes, after a while, Lead Character's ideal creamy carbonara gets really Schwarzeneggerey.
Carbonara, in case you were thinking of something bodily. Lead Character doesn't like the real carbonara, which is dry. Gladly, most cafes he's been to serve their carbonara creamy. He's only been to one restaurant that served authentic carbonara, and he couldn't finish it. It was at Vue, a pretty little place at the Cebu Yacht Club, and while their other dishes were phenomenal, Lead Character had trouble downing their penne pasta carbonara.
So today, after work, Lead Character decides to make himself creamy carbonara, grabbing the recipe from pinoyfoodblog. He'd made the same carbonara last Christmas, but he wasn't able to release the entire affair as an episode because his brother deleted the photos he took of the undertaking.
It's actually supposed to be potato wedges for today, but after a prior attempt that involved their oven exploding in front of his face, making him, his mother, and his aunt yelp like helpless little girls, Lead Character decided to steer clear of baking for now.
The ingredients:
Lead Character decides not to follow pinoyfoodblog completely. Instead of the suggested Spinach Fettuccine, he picks 400g of regular spaghetti. The reason? Budget constraints. He also doesn't bother with the nutmeg. Since he had parsley flakes from his attempt at potato wedges, he decides that will make for a proper replacement. Of course there's 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom, 250ml All Purpose Cream, 1 head of garlic, olive oil, and a cup of instant Korean noodles. Why the Korean noodles, you ask? Well, it's in case Lead Character screws up the sauce and pasta and gets too hungry to cook another batch. Not appearing in the photo are parmesan cheese and the generally needed salt and pepper.
As Lead Character starts cooking the pasta, a major problem arises. The flame doesn't get high enough to boil water. He's already salted it and mixed with drips of olive oil so the pasta won't stick, but it never boils. An hour into it, out of desperation and impatience, Lead Character drops the pasta. And this is where the cup of Korean noodles becomes the hero. Already hungry, Lead Character decides it's time to devour a whole cup.
Surprisingly, the pasta cooks al dente, after almost half an hour of swimming in simmering water. But the real challenge now is preparing the sauce. The flame is just not high enough to cook the meat. Lead Character calls up his mother but she doesn't believe him that their stove might be broken once again.
Lead Character's aunt comes to the rescue. He sees her boiling water in her teeny weeny dirty kitchen, so he pleads for him to cook there. She lets him.
The rest of the cooking goes a lot smoother and faster this time. The end result is a carbonara sauce whose consistency is very much to Lead Character's liking.
Serving suggestion:
Top with parmesan cheese on a cafeteria type of plate to make the dish even more ravishing. See? See?
And now the real challenge: eating the thing. Lead Character thinks it is not that bad. Lead Character's sister likes it better than the one he made last Christmas. Unfortunately, after a while, it does get really. . .I'm having trouble picking the English word for it. . .but in Cebuano the word is ngilngig. . .and the only word I can come up with off the top of my head is. . .Schwarzeneggerey. Yes, after a while, Lead Character's ideal creamy carbonara gets really Schwarzeneggerey.
22 January 2011
Lead Character Frenches Up His Shirt
Season 2, Episode 10
One of Lead Character's college friends, Eng, has been having his own designs printed on a shirt, just for his sake and his alone. What impresses Lead Character is how the designs, simple as they may be, are nice to look at and at the same time a very good way of expressing oneself. No, a Facebook status update is not enough. If you want to express yourself, print it on your shirt.
Eng used Japanese characters, something that not everyone in Cebu can understand. Lead Character thinks it's sly, hence he asked Eng to send him a design, one that says something offensive like "I'm a fudgepacker."
But Eng never did deliver, so Lead Character decided to make his own design instead.
The whole process hadn't been easy. Lead Character wanted a ringer T-shirt, not just any plain shirt, for his design not to look too bland. After all, his design is simply a French term in a red Ampersand font. The shop that prints out your designs for you, Transfer It! (located on the first floor of Robinson's), only had plain shirts available, so Lead Character had to search the entire city. The bigger challenge was not just to look for ringer T-shirts, but ringer T-shirts that didn't have prints on them. After hours of looking, Lead Character finally found ringer T-shirts with no prints at Giordano in Ayala.
The idea behind Lead Character's design is to go for something as sly as using Japanese characters, and with his life-long fascination with the French language, he went all out with it--something desperate, something sad.
And viola...
It's "fuck me" in French.
Note: Thanks, Chris and Chris, for teaching Lead Character useful French terms. Soixante-neuf, anyone?
One of Lead Character's college friends, Eng, has been having his own designs printed on a shirt, just for his sake and his alone. What impresses Lead Character is how the designs, simple as they may be, are nice to look at and at the same time a very good way of expressing oneself. No, a Facebook status update is not enough. If you want to express yourself, print it on your shirt.
Eng used Japanese characters, something that not everyone in Cebu can understand. Lead Character thinks it's sly, hence he asked Eng to send him a design, one that says something offensive like "I'm a fudgepacker."
But Eng never did deliver, so Lead Character decided to make his own design instead.
The whole process hadn't been easy. Lead Character wanted a ringer T-shirt, not just any plain shirt, for his design not to look too bland. After all, his design is simply a French term in a red Ampersand font. The shop that prints out your designs for you, Transfer It! (located on the first floor of Robinson's), only had plain shirts available, so Lead Character had to search the entire city. The bigger challenge was not just to look for ringer T-shirts, but ringer T-shirts that didn't have prints on them. After hours of looking, Lead Character finally found ringer T-shirts with no prints at Giordano in Ayala.
The idea behind Lead Character's design is to go for something as sly as using Japanese characters, and with his life-long fascination with the French language, he went all out with it--something desperate, something sad.
And viola...
It's "fuck me" in French.
Note: Thanks, Chris and Chris, for teaching Lead Character useful French terms. Soixante-neuf, anyone?
05 December 2010
If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 4
Season 2 Episode 08
If you're ever in Iloilo, buy your pasalubong from Deocampo Barquillos. Not that Lead Character can say they have the best barquillos and butternuts and pinasugbos, etc., because he hasn't tried any from other stores, but what Lead Character likes about Deocampo is that its pricing is the same in every branch, even in the one at the airport.
If you're ever in Iloilo, try the "biggest" burger at Perri Todd's, because Lead Character, Joy Bee, JabberedOnion and JabbereOnion's friends from the Cebu Bloggers Society tried it and they weren't disappointed.
For a detailed review of Perri Todd's, you might want to check out Rabsin's food blog called iSwallow (sharp, huh?). He hasn't launched it yet, but at Perri Todd's, he pulled the manager from his office and initiated an interview--a classic example of Applied Learning. The day before, they all joined the Visayas Bloggers Summit where Lead Character himself learned quite a handful of useful things about blogging. You might want to check out JabberedOnion's account of the event once she's gotten out of her writer's block. (A memo to JabberedOnion: Please post your entry about the event already, bitch!)
If you're ever in Iloilo and just had a taste of a Perri Todd burger, you might want to hold a contest among your peers: Who can mimic the Perri Todd mascot pose the best?
For Lead Character, he only managed to mimic successfully the mascot's double chin. JabberedOnion captured the eyes. Rabsin got the mouth and the left hand. Joy Bee, most disappointingly, never really tried hard enough.
If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure your stay there is more than just for one weekend. Lead Character only spent a weekend there and he didn't get enough. It's pretty much just like Cebu but with more good-looking waiters, something that almost became Lead Character's undoing. Thankfully, he was able to hold it together. By the time he boarded the plane that was to fly him back to his beloved city, he vowed, just as General MacArthur did, "I shall return."*
*Just so we're clear, Lead Character is not returning to Iloilo to destroy the Japanese. He just wanted something artsy-fartsy for an ending to a four-part series, and he doesn't really have the time nor the intellectual capacity to come up with something better.
If you're ever in Iloilo, buy your pasalubong from Deocampo Barquillos. Not that Lead Character can say they have the best barquillos and butternuts and pinasugbos, etc., because he hasn't tried any from other stores, but what Lead Character likes about Deocampo is that its pricing is the same in every branch, even in the one at the airport.
 |
| JabberedOnion browsing the goods, rather very mechanically, probably also making mental notes of her budget for the trip, and how everything's gone awry. |
 |
| Even the burger itself is salivating. Casa Verde's "biggest" burger is actually bigger, but this looks a lot more enticing. |
 | |
| Lead Character pretends to be taking first dibs with a hint of aristocracy. (Photo taken by Rio.) |
If you're ever in Iloilo and just had a taste of a Perri Todd burger, you might want to hold a contest among your peers: Who can mimic the Perri Todd mascot pose the best?
For Lead Character, he only managed to mimic successfully the mascot's double chin. JabberedOnion captured the eyes. Rabsin got the mouth and the left hand. Joy Bee, most disappointingly, never really tried hard enough.
If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure your stay there is more than just for one weekend. Lead Character only spent a weekend there and he didn't get enough. It's pretty much just like Cebu but with more good-looking waiters, something that almost became Lead Character's undoing. Thankfully, he was able to hold it together. By the time he boarded the plane that was to fly him back to his beloved city, he vowed, just as General MacArthur did, "I shall return."*
*Just so we're clear, Lead Character is not returning to Iloilo to destroy the Japanese. He just wanted something artsy-fartsy for an ending to a four-part series, and he doesn't really have the time nor the intellectual capacity to come up with something better.
30 November 2010
If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 3
Season 2 Episode 07
If you're ever in Iloilo, it is a given that you should party at Smallville. Smallville is a vast stretch of road with establishments ranging from coffee shops to restos to bars that cater to economic classes A, B, C, D, E, and well, as you might have already guessed, Koreans. Lead Character learned that the A and B crowd is mostly seen at Ice, and at the area where The Venue is, as Lead Character himself witnessed. Classes C and D go to Pirates, which is where Lead Character and his friends would have definitely belonged if Smallville were in Cebu, but since they're "tourists," they first settled at Mexicana Cantina, hoping to get some shots of cheap tequila. To their dismay, Mexicana Cantina didn't serve Mojitos, leaving them with no choice but drink Jose Cuervo. It's better to go broke than never get drunk at all.
If you're ever in Iloilo, it is a given that you should party at Smallville. Smallville is a vast stretch of road with establishments ranging from coffee shops to restos to bars that cater to economic classes A, B, C, D, E, and well, as you might have already guessed, Koreans. Lead Character learned that the A and B crowd is mostly seen at Ice, and at the area where The Venue is, as Lead Character himself witnessed. Classes C and D go to Pirates, which is where Lead Character and his friends would have definitely belonged if Smallville were in Cebu, but since they're "tourists," they first settled at Mexicana Cantina, hoping to get some shots of cheap tequila. To their dismay, Mexicana Cantina didn't serve Mojitos, leaving them with no choice but drink Jose Cuervo. It's better to go broke than never get drunk at all.
If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure you party with the people. Actually, wherever you are, always make sure you have a night allotted for partying with the local folks, to meet new friends, and really get immersed in their drunken culture. Unfortunately for Lead Character, they hung out instead with fellow Cebuanos. An old grade school friend of Joy Bee's, JP, caught up with them at Mexicana Cantina, followed by JP's friend, JR. (Guys who go by their initials. . .quite interesting. Lead Character considered for a second going by LC, but he realized people might mistake that for Lauren Conrad, and a sentence using LC referring to Lead Character might make Perez Hilton's head spin, i.e., "LC has just been spotted shopping at Tita Guapa." But we digress.)
If you're ever in Iloilo, be sure you party with the people. Lead Character can't quite stress this enough. Because aside from hanging out with fellow Cebuanos, he and his friends didn't go party with the people. They instead went karaoke at the Annex. Karaoke! Something that can be done back in Cebu with fellow Cebuanos! Dagnabbit!
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| Photo courtesy of JabberedOnion. |
This isn't saying Lead Character didn't have fun. JP and JR were extra fun to hang out with. And the Annex, after all, served Mojitos, which was all that Lead Character and his friends ordered for the Php1,200 (consumable, 3 hours worth) that they were charged for for the private videoke room that the Annex staff described as the small room. Lead Character, however, thought it could house two non-abstaining Catholic families. JabberedOnion then contacted her friends, Rabsin and Rio, from the Cebu Bloggers Society. The result was a night full of drunken singing of duets and ambitious solos.
By the time the Annex closed, Lead Character was already out by the bushes puking nothing but bile, saliva, and throat cells, with well-dressed twentysomethings behind him laughing (at him or at something else, Lead Character will never know).
And that, ladies and gents, is how you should not spend a night out in Iloilo. Lead Character would have really preferred bumping and grinding with the people. But then again, remembering now how the night went, Lead Character remembers it was him who might have suggested they go karaoke.
Stay tuned, for there might or might not be a 4th installment.
29 November 2010
If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 2
Season 2 Episode 06
If you're ever in Iloilo, you should know that there's this charming little hotel called Highway21. Out from the main street, it seems like a sleazy motel that couples and trios (depending on your sense of adventure) check into for 2-3 hours of reckless abandon, because it seems to be secluded that way. However, once you see its facade, you'll realize it's actually for decent, fun-loving tourists.
If you're ever in Iloilo, you should know that there's this charming little hotel called Highway21. Out from the main street, it seems like a sleazy motel that couples and trios (depending on your sense of adventure) check into for 2-3 hours of reckless abandon, because it seems to be secluded that way. However, once you see its facade, you'll realize it's actually for decent, fun-loving tourists.
After their horrendous experience at City Corporate Inn, Lead Character and friends decided to take some action. Lucky for them, Highway21 was suggested. They didn't have free wi-fi; they charge Php100 for every 24 hours, and the connection wasn't really that fast, but it was miles better than having no connection at all.
Lead Character and friends got a small room that was good for two persons only and just had an extra bed added--both for economic purposes and because Highway21 had no other rooms available.
What surprised Lead Character was the food that the hotel served. For the usual price of around Php150, you'd get huge servings--almost double, in fact. After a night out at Smallville (all the dirt will be exposed in the next installment) where they downed shots of tequila, Lead Character and friends ate the whole day. First was at 12nn. They ordered a bowl of soup that they thought was enough for one person, but turned out to be enough to feed eighteen wrestlers. They also had chicken and pork adobo and chicken curry that they couldn't finish even after their second meal at 4pm. At around 8pm, Lead Character ordered a plateful of spaghetti bolognese that had so much meat in it JabberedOnion couldn't help but dig in herself, despite her assertion that she was not hungry.
Stay tuned to find out how Lead Character and friends partied on a Saturday night in the city of love.
If You're Ever in Iloilo, part 1
Season 2 Episode 05
If you're ever in Iloilo, do not check into City Corporate Inn!
Lead Character and his friends decided to fly to Iloilo for the Visayas Blogger Summit, which Lead Character hoped would improve his sitcom-blog's ratings and thereby avoid getting axed.
The only hotel they found online that had free wi-fi in the rooms at affordable rates was City Corporate Inn. But much to their dismay, the experience was horrific.
There was no Internet connection in the room. They can get into the wifi network, but Internet access was nonexistent. The person-in-charge (or whatever her job title was, as Lead Character thought at first she was the VP of Staff Members Who Do Not Love Their Jobs--she only smiled once; the rest of the time she looked like she was contemplating suicide) went up to their room to show Lead Character and his friends, JabberedOnion and Joy Bee, that she can browse on her laptop. Lead Character wasn't convinced because even his phone could not pick up the Internet connection, as well as JabberedOnion's laptop and iPhone. But as shown in previous episodes, Lead Character doesn't really have the personality to be bossy, so he kept quiet about it. Thankfully, JabberedOnion is a raving maniac when it comes to bad customer service, so she told the alleged VP of SMWDNLTJ off that the Internet was the main reason they chose their hotel. Unfortunately, the issue remained unresolved.
Another shitty thing about the room was that even if it featured a mini-fridge, it had no outlet close by to be plugged into. Joy Bee had to drag the mini-fridge right outside the bathroom, which had the only sensible electrical outlet available.
And just when you think all the terror ends there, you're wrong. Lead Character and friends couldn't find the remote control for the TV anywhere. When they asked Room Service where it was, they were simply told that they were to pay Php 200 for having lost it.
Well, isn't that just icing on the cake.
Stay tuned to find out how Lead Character and his friends found a much better hotel to stay in when you're in Iloilo.
If you're ever in Iloilo, do not check into City Corporate Inn!
Lead Character and his friends decided to fly to Iloilo for the Visayas Blogger Summit, which Lead Character hoped would improve his sitcom-blog's ratings and thereby avoid getting axed.
The only hotel they found online that had free wi-fi in the rooms at affordable rates was City Corporate Inn. But much to their dismay, the experience was horrific.
There was no Internet connection in the room. They can get into the wifi network, but Internet access was nonexistent. The person-in-charge (or whatever her job title was, as Lead Character thought at first she was the VP of Staff Members Who Do Not Love Their Jobs--she only smiled once; the rest of the time she looked like she was contemplating suicide) went up to their room to show Lead Character and his friends, JabberedOnion and Joy Bee, that she can browse on her laptop. Lead Character wasn't convinced because even his phone could not pick up the Internet connection, as well as JabberedOnion's laptop and iPhone. But as shown in previous episodes, Lead Character doesn't really have the personality to be bossy, so he kept quiet about it. Thankfully, JabberedOnion is a raving maniac when it comes to bad customer service, so she told the alleged VP of SMWDNLTJ off that the Internet was the main reason they chose their hotel. Unfortunately, the issue remained unresolved.
Another shitty thing about the room was that even if it featured a mini-fridge, it had no outlet close by to be plugged into. Joy Bee had to drag the mini-fridge right outside the bathroom, which had the only sensible electrical outlet available.
Well, isn't that just icing on the cake.
Stay tuned to find out how Lead Character and his friends found a much better hotel to stay in when you're in Iloilo.
20 October 2010
Lead Character Learns Absolute Truths at a Wake
Season 2, Episode 04
LEAD CHARACTER’S distant uncle, who wasn’t that much older than LEAD CHARACTER so he considered him his distant cousin, recently died of a heart attack. At the wake, LEAD CHARACTER is herded by his MOTHER here and there to introduce him to relatives he can no longer recall as having been part of his early years, except for the godmother who used to give him presents every Christmas day.
After the litany, LEAD CHARACTER walks up to the coffin to view his dead cousin. Dead people look very peaceful, something that LEAD CHARACTER envies. People who are left to live usually have things in their heads bugging them, be it something as painful as losing a loved one, or something as wonderful as finding one, or something as mundane as getting a new haircut for a job interview. For LEAD CHARACTER, as long as you’re alive, you’ll always be bound by time—ghosts of the past, challenges of an undecided future, and the strenuous feat of keeping it together for the present. But when you’re dead, you transcend time. There is no past, no present, no future. LEAD CHARACTER wishes he were dead.
However, LEAD CHARACTER’S rumination on death is interrupted when a group of men and women walk in with guitars and sheet music and Bibles. Everyone at the wake is then asked to take their seats. LEAD CHARACTER thinks for a moment that they’re going to have another round of prayers for the dead, but he’s wrong. The arrival of the group of men and women is not for the dead, but for the living. The group, it turns out, is there to proselytize.
After a couple of praise and worship songs, the group’s leader, who looks a lot like German Moreno (thus from hereon will be referred to as GERMAN MORENO), starts his talk with verses from the Bible that state absolute truths about life. They’re absolute truths because they’re from the Bible. Apparently the Christian Bible is as infallible as the sun rising in the east.
Absolute Truth #1: People die.
LEAD CHARACTER is stunned. He thought some people are immortal, like Madonna. But then again, maybe Madonna is already dead. She just looks alive these days because of Adobe Photoshop.
Absolute Truth #2: We’ll never know when we’re going to die.
LEAD CHARACTER is even more stunned. He thought he knew exactly when he’s going to die: October 27th, 2012, 4:38pm.
Absolute Truth #3: There is hell.
LEAD CHARACTER is impressed. Apparently, GERMAN MORENO has been to hell and back.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, if you want to avoid going to hell, whose fires are black, which are a lot more painful than yellow and blue fire, all you need to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior. Now let us all close our eyes and bow our heads. . . .
LEAD CHARACTER looks around. Pretty much everyone is hesitant. Who knows what will happen if everyone had their eyes closed? GERMAN MORENO will still steal a wet kiss from an unsuspecting person?
After a few more urging, everyone bows their heads. LEAD CHARACTER bows his head but keeps his eyes open, keeping close watch on his crotch to make sure nothing untoward will happen to it.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, I would like you to raise your hand if you want me to include you in my prayers.
LEAD CHARACTER knows exactly what is happening. If he raises his hand, GERMAN MORENO will acknowledge that LEAD CHARACTER has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior, thereby making him go to (gasp!) heaven, a place full of baby harpists in golden diapers. That, for LEAD CHARACTER, is creepy.
GERMAN MORENO: OK, we only have one person here who hasn’t raised his hand. Young man, don’t you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
LEAD CHARACTER panics. He’s pretty sure GERMAN MORENO is referring to him.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man?
LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t move an inch. He pretends to be asleep.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man, do you want to go to hell?
Yes, LEAD CHARACTER thinks. Hell is full of oiled musclemen screaming. Yes, I’d like to go to hell please.
But LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t respond. Apparently, pretending to be asleep is not helping. LEAD CHARACTER pushes the envelope and pretends to be dead.
LEAD CHARACTER’S distant uncle, who wasn’t that much older than LEAD CHARACTER so he considered him his distant cousin, recently died of a heart attack. At the wake, LEAD CHARACTER is herded by his MOTHER here and there to introduce him to relatives he can no longer recall as having been part of his early years, except for the godmother who used to give him presents every Christmas day.
After the litany, LEAD CHARACTER walks up to the coffin to view his dead cousin. Dead people look very peaceful, something that LEAD CHARACTER envies. People who are left to live usually have things in their heads bugging them, be it something as painful as losing a loved one, or something as wonderful as finding one, or something as mundane as getting a new haircut for a job interview. For LEAD CHARACTER, as long as you’re alive, you’ll always be bound by time—ghosts of the past, challenges of an undecided future, and the strenuous feat of keeping it together for the present. But when you’re dead, you transcend time. There is no past, no present, no future. LEAD CHARACTER wishes he were dead.
However, LEAD CHARACTER’S rumination on death is interrupted when a group of men and women walk in with guitars and sheet music and Bibles. Everyone at the wake is then asked to take their seats. LEAD CHARACTER thinks for a moment that they’re going to have another round of prayers for the dead, but he’s wrong. The arrival of the group of men and women is not for the dead, but for the living. The group, it turns out, is there to proselytize.
After a couple of praise and worship songs, the group’s leader, who looks a lot like German Moreno (thus from hereon will be referred to as GERMAN MORENO), starts his talk with verses from the Bible that state absolute truths about life. They’re absolute truths because they’re from the Bible. Apparently the Christian Bible is as infallible as the sun rising in the east.
Absolute Truth #1: People die.
LEAD CHARACTER is stunned. He thought some people are immortal, like Madonna. But then again, maybe Madonna is already dead. She just looks alive these days because of Adobe Photoshop.
Absolute Truth #2: We’ll never know when we’re going to die.
LEAD CHARACTER is even more stunned. He thought he knew exactly when he’s going to die: October 27th, 2012, 4:38pm.
Absolute Truth #3: There is hell.
LEAD CHARACTER is impressed. Apparently, GERMAN MORENO has been to hell and back.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, if you want to avoid going to hell, whose fires are black, which are a lot more painful than yellow and blue fire, all you need to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior. Now let us all close our eyes and bow our heads. . . .
LEAD CHARACTER looks around. Pretty much everyone is hesitant. Who knows what will happen if everyone had their eyes closed? GERMAN MORENO will still steal a wet kiss from an unsuspecting person?
After a few more urging, everyone bows their heads. LEAD CHARACTER bows his head but keeps his eyes open, keeping close watch on his crotch to make sure nothing untoward will happen to it.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, I would like you to raise your hand if you want me to include you in my prayers.
LEAD CHARACTER knows exactly what is happening. If he raises his hand, GERMAN MORENO will acknowledge that LEAD CHARACTER has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior, thereby making him go to (gasp!) heaven, a place full of baby harpists in golden diapers. That, for LEAD CHARACTER, is creepy.
GERMAN MORENO: OK, we only have one person here who hasn’t raised his hand. Young man, don’t you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
LEAD CHARACTER panics. He’s pretty sure GERMAN MORENO is referring to him.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man?
LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t move an inch. He pretends to be asleep.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man, do you want to go to hell?
Yes, LEAD CHARACTER thinks. Hell is full of oiled musclemen screaming. Yes, I’d like to go to hell please.
But LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t respond. Apparently, pretending to be asleep is not helping. LEAD CHARACTER pushes the envelope and pretends to be dead.
08 June 2010
31 March 2010
Lead Character Almost Misses His Flight
Season 2 Episode 02
LEAD CHARACTER hops into a cab and tells the CABBIE to take him to the airport, fast, as he’s running late. His flight is at 4:20pm. It’s already 3:10. The CABBIE smiles as he steps on it.
CABBIE: Who’s your President?
LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?
CABBIE: Your President … who are you voting for?
LEAD CHARACTER: Yeah, I know. I was just wondering why you want to know.
CABBIE: You know, people who are in a hurry are usually mocked by Fate. You get all sorts of interceptions along the way and you might end up missing your flight.
LEAD CHARACTER: OK! I’m voting for Noynoy.
The cab accelerates.
CABBIE: I’m voting for Villar.
LEAD CHARACTER: OK.
LEAD CHARACTER manages to stop his face from throwing out a look of disgust. He thinks Villar is full of shit. Villar’s campaign revolves around having grown up poor in order to appeal to the masses. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t believe any of it, and he’s annoyed that people actually buy it. With Villar in his TVC are really poor children (or child actors portraying poor children), who sing that only Villar can take them out of poverty. If that's the case, why not showcase the children as rich already? Is Villar only planning on making them rich after shooting the commercial, or after the elections, in case he wins? And what if he doesn't win? Will those children stay poor?
CABBIE: Why are you voting for Noynoy, anyway?
LEAD CHARACTER (squirming in his seat): It’s just a family consensus. My mother wants our votes to be uniform.
The truth is, LEAD CHARACTER is still torn between Gibo and Noynoy. Gibo for he’s such a cutie, and Noynoy for having come from a decent, historically-relevant family. Yes, per LEAD CHARACTER’S standards, Kris Aquino is decent, and she herself is historically-relevant—all by herself. (Who else kept an entire nation glued to the TV screen to hear her recount having contracted a sexually transmitted disease?) LEAD CHARACTER is yet to vote for a dream president, though. His dream president would have to have a no-bullshit campaign that encourages a certain belief system that LEAD CHARACTER would have to delve deeper into in another episode as it’s neither here nor there.
Later, they get jammed in traffic. The CABBIE turns to LEAD CHARACTER and winks.
CABBIE: I told you. Interceptions.
LEAD CHARACTER sinks in his seat.
They arrive at the airport at 3:50pm. There should still be enough time. LEAD CHARACTER sprints to the Check-In Counter. There are around 4 people huddled around it. A SECURITY GUARD notices LEAD CHARACTER.
GUARD: Where are you off to?
LEAD CHARACTER: Kalibo.
GUARD (panicked): Oh Em Eff Gee!!! (to the counter) We have another one for Kalibo! This isn’t good…. (to LEAD CHARACTER) Give me your papers! Quick!
LEAD CHARACTER feels like throwing up. He hands his itinerary and ID to the GUARD.
Weird enough, LEAD CHARACTER gets his boarding pass first. The 3 or 4 people queueing, which include a kindly nun, have not gotten their boarding passes yet.
LEAD CHARACTER heads to where he’s supposed to pay for a terminal fee. It’s closed. He doesn’t know what to do. He starts to think how nuns bother him. Nuns immediately get good impressions for wearing a habit. People inevitably think of them as cool and gentle because of what they wear. Even LEAD CHARACTER thinks of them immediately as kind and cool and gentle. Even the nun earlier at the Check-In Counter who moved at a glacial pace seemed nice and readily likable. But the other civilians in line, Lead Character would have to size them up first for the way they speak, the way they dress, and, if possible, see if they were Mac or Windows users.
GUARD: What are you doing? Go to the next one! You’re lucky you were allowed in. The plane’s already cruising….
LEAD CHARACTER runs. He runs his chubby ass out to the gate, zooming past the waiting area, straight to the tarmac where, from a distance, under the piercing heat of the sun, men in yellow point him to where his plane is. Looking ahead, he sees three planes lined up, and he doesn’t know which one the men are pointing to. He takes his chances and goes up to the first one. FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1 is standing over him at the top of the ladder.
LEAD CHARACTER (panting): Is this for Kalibo?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1: Why, yes, Sir.
LEAD CHARACTER, relieved like crazy, steps inside and finds that … lo and behold … he's all alone, except for FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2, who smiles at him earnestly.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2: LEAD CHARACTER, you’re the first to arrive.
LEAD CHARACTER hops into a cab and tells the CABBIE to take him to the airport, fast, as he’s running late. His flight is at 4:20pm. It’s already 3:10. The CABBIE smiles as he steps on it.
CABBIE: Who’s your President?
LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?
CABBIE: Your President … who are you voting for?
LEAD CHARACTER: Yeah, I know. I was just wondering why you want to know.
CABBIE: You know, people who are in a hurry are usually mocked by Fate. You get all sorts of interceptions along the way and you might end up missing your flight.
LEAD CHARACTER: OK! I’m voting for Noynoy.
The cab accelerates.
CABBIE: I’m voting for Villar.
LEAD CHARACTER: OK.
LEAD CHARACTER manages to stop his face from throwing out a look of disgust. He thinks Villar is full of shit. Villar’s campaign revolves around having grown up poor in order to appeal to the masses. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t believe any of it, and he’s annoyed that people actually buy it. With Villar in his TVC are really poor children (or child actors portraying poor children), who sing that only Villar can take them out of poverty. If that's the case, why not showcase the children as rich already? Is Villar only planning on making them rich after shooting the commercial, or after the elections, in case he wins? And what if he doesn't win? Will those children stay poor?
CABBIE: Why are you voting for Noynoy, anyway?
LEAD CHARACTER (squirming in his seat): It’s just a family consensus. My mother wants our votes to be uniform.
The truth is, LEAD CHARACTER is still torn between Gibo and Noynoy. Gibo for he’s such a cutie, and Noynoy for having come from a decent, historically-relevant family. Yes, per LEAD CHARACTER’S standards, Kris Aquino is decent, and she herself is historically-relevant—all by herself. (Who else kept an entire nation glued to the TV screen to hear her recount having contracted a sexually transmitted disease?) LEAD CHARACTER is yet to vote for a dream president, though. His dream president would have to have a no-bullshit campaign that encourages a certain belief system that LEAD CHARACTER would have to delve deeper into in another episode as it’s neither here nor there.
Later, they get jammed in traffic. The CABBIE turns to LEAD CHARACTER and winks.
CABBIE: I told you. Interceptions.
LEAD CHARACTER sinks in his seat.
They arrive at the airport at 3:50pm. There should still be enough time. LEAD CHARACTER sprints to the Check-In Counter. There are around 4 people huddled around it. A SECURITY GUARD notices LEAD CHARACTER.
GUARD: Where are you off to?
LEAD CHARACTER: Kalibo.
GUARD (panicked): Oh Em Eff Gee!!! (to the counter) We have another one for Kalibo! This isn’t good…. (to LEAD CHARACTER) Give me your papers! Quick!
LEAD CHARACTER feels like throwing up. He hands his itinerary and ID to the GUARD.
Weird enough, LEAD CHARACTER gets his boarding pass first. The 3 or 4 people queueing, which include a kindly nun, have not gotten their boarding passes yet.
LEAD CHARACTER heads to where he’s supposed to pay for a terminal fee. It’s closed. He doesn’t know what to do. He starts to think how nuns bother him. Nuns immediately get good impressions for wearing a habit. People inevitably think of them as cool and gentle because of what they wear. Even LEAD CHARACTER thinks of them immediately as kind and cool and gentle. Even the nun earlier at the Check-In Counter who moved at a glacial pace seemed nice and readily likable. But the other civilians in line, Lead Character would have to size them up first for the way they speak, the way they dress, and, if possible, see if they were Mac or Windows users.
GUARD: What are you doing? Go to the next one! You’re lucky you were allowed in. The plane’s already cruising….
LEAD CHARACTER runs. He runs his chubby ass out to the gate, zooming past the waiting area, straight to the tarmac where, from a distance, under the piercing heat of the sun, men in yellow point him to where his plane is. Looking ahead, he sees three planes lined up, and he doesn’t know which one the men are pointing to. He takes his chances and goes up to the first one. FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1 is standing over him at the top of the ladder.
LEAD CHARACTER (panting): Is this for Kalibo?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1: Why, yes, Sir.
LEAD CHARACTER, relieved like crazy, steps inside and finds that … lo and behold … he's all alone, except for FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2, who smiles at him earnestly.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2: LEAD CHARACTER, you’re the first to arrive.
THE END
30 October 2009
The Art of Teleparablizing
Season 2 Episode 01
Teleparablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: “That’s just like the episode where Jan lost her glasses!”
- Douglas Coupland, Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture
Lead Character and another one of his close friends, Becky, are exhausted, even if all they did all day was sit in a coffee shop somewhere along Osmeña Blvd. Now they’re sitting again, outside the coffee shop this time, having their last cigarettes before heading on home.
Becky: Yeah, so that’s pretty much it. He’s acting somewhat like my friend again, despite our history together.
Ah, Becky and her history with whatsisname. To make the long story short, it was a love affair that involved a reckless betrayal of trust. And that was almost two years ago. Two years, and the wound still stings fresh for Becky. And now whatsisname texts her like the good old days—days before the love affair started, way long before the reckless betrayal of trust happened.
Lead Character: Maybe he wants more than friendship again, Beck. Why else would he ask you out to watch In My Life? And why would you watch it with him, anyway? You’ve already seen it....
Becky: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I’m over him. I don’t understand why I want to undo that.
Lead Character: Didn’t Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) have a man in her life who broke her heart once, and when they were given a second chance at it, she let him break her heart again? Maybe you want to go Samantha Jones on him.
Becky (heavy sigh): I don’t want to go Samantha Jones on him; I want to go Carrie Bradshaw on him. At the end of the day, it’s safe to say he’s my Mr. Big.
Lead Character: He’s actually more like your Carrie Bradshaw, and you his Aidan Shaw.
Becky: Whatever, Lead Character.
Lead Character: Whatever, Becky.
Long silence.
Becky: Hey, in case I die, will you tell my parents that I want to be cremated? I really think I’m going to die late next year.
Lead Character (eye-roll): Is this about your suspected tumor again? You really have to see a doctor about that so you can stop guessing.
Becky: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I have a tumor.
Lead Character (shifts weight in his seat): Oh, so you already saw an oncologist for that?
Becky: No, female intuition.
Lead Character: This just reminds me of Kitty Walker (Brothers & Sisters). She has cancer now, do you know that?
Becky (shakes head): I don’t really watch Brothers & Sisters.
Lead Character: Oh, well, this is like In My Life then. Luis Manzano’s character had cancer, you know....
Becky: I know. Hey, what happened to your Mr. Big? Any update on the whole unfriending hullabaloo?
Lead Character (laughing): Oh, he is so not my Mr. Big. He’s just plain-old unfriender. No character on TV’s ever unfriended another character on TV, anyway.
Becky: Probably because it’s a lame thing to do. (With conviction) And TV’s never lame!
Lead Character: Right on. I was even tempted to go Blair Waldorf on him, but only for a second. I realized I should just move past it.
Becky: Blair Waldorf...?
Lead Character: Gossip Girl, my dear friend. (Cocking his head) What the hell are you watching these days?
Becky: Uh... So You Think You Can Dance?
Lead Character: Oh, right. Well, we can’t really apply that in real life.
Becky (nodding): I guess we can’t.
Becky and Lead Character put off their final sticks of cigarette and left the coffee shop, calling it a highly productive day.
Are you crazy about someone who does not even know you exist? Find out why going Sketch on the person is the best way to go.
Are you getting expelled from school and you have no idea how to handle it? Learn which TV show has proven that the only way past that is to say “Fuck it,” and get into real estate instead.
Looking forward to hearing from you all!
Teleparablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: “That’s just like the episode where Jan lost her glasses!”
- Douglas Coupland, Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture
Lead Character and another one of his close friends, Becky, are exhausted, even if all they did all day was sit in a coffee shop somewhere along Osmeña Blvd. Now they’re sitting again, outside the coffee shop this time, having their last cigarettes before heading on home.
Becky: Yeah, so that’s pretty much it. He’s acting somewhat like my friend again, despite our history together.
Ah, Becky and her history with whatsisname. To make the long story short, it was a love affair that involved a reckless betrayal of trust. And that was almost two years ago. Two years, and the wound still stings fresh for Becky. And now whatsisname texts her like the good old days—days before the love affair started, way long before the reckless betrayal of trust happened.
Lead Character: Maybe he wants more than friendship again, Beck. Why else would he ask you out to watch In My Life? And why would you watch it with him, anyway? You’ve already seen it....
Becky: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I’m over him. I don’t understand why I want to undo that.
Lead Character: Didn’t Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) have a man in her life who broke her heart once, and when they were given a second chance at it, she let him break her heart again? Maybe you want to go Samantha Jones on him.
Becky (heavy sigh): I don’t want to go Samantha Jones on him; I want to go Carrie Bradshaw on him. At the end of the day, it’s safe to say he’s my Mr. Big.
Lead Character: He’s actually more like your Carrie Bradshaw, and you his Aidan Shaw.
Becky: Whatever, Lead Character.
Lead Character: Whatever, Becky.
Long silence.
Becky: Hey, in case I die, will you tell my parents that I want to be cremated? I really think I’m going to die late next year.
Lead Character (eye-roll): Is this about your suspected tumor again? You really have to see a doctor about that so you can stop guessing.
Becky: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I have a tumor.
Lead Character (shifts weight in his seat): Oh, so you already saw an oncologist for that?
Becky: No, female intuition.
Lead Character: This just reminds me of Kitty Walker (Brothers & Sisters). She has cancer now, do you know that?
Becky (shakes head): I don’t really watch Brothers & Sisters.
Lead Character: Oh, well, this is like In My Life then. Luis Manzano’s character had cancer, you know....
Becky: I know. Hey, what happened to your Mr. Big? Any update on the whole unfriending hullabaloo?
Lead Character (laughing): Oh, he is so not my Mr. Big. He’s just plain-old unfriender. No character on TV’s ever unfriended another character on TV, anyway.
Becky: Probably because it’s a lame thing to do. (With conviction) And TV’s never lame!
Lead Character: Right on. I was even tempted to go Blair Waldorf on him, but only for a second. I realized I should just move past it.
Becky: Blair Waldorf...?
Lead Character: Gossip Girl, my dear friend. (Cocking his head) What the hell are you watching these days?
Becky: Uh... So You Think You Can Dance?
Lead Character: Oh, right. Well, we can’t really apply that in real life.
Becky (nodding): I guess we can’t.
Becky and Lead Character put off their final sticks of cigarette and left the coffee shop, calling it a highly productive day.
---
Note to my blog-viewers:
If you have problems you feel you cannot solve on your own, place them in the Comments section here and Lead Character will come up with solutions for you through teleparablizing.
If you have problems you feel you cannot solve on your own, place them in the Comments section here and Lead Character will come up with solutions for you through teleparablizing.
Are you crazy about someone who does not even know you exist? Find out why going Sketch on the person is the best way to go.
Are you getting expelled from school and you have no idea how to handle it? Learn which TV show has proven that the only way past that is to say “Fuck it,” and get into real estate instead.
Looking forward to hearing from you all!
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