Lead Character in 2012

This is over three weeks overdue but Lead Character would like to greet everyone a Happy New Year.

Yes, perhaps this would not have been as tardy if Lead Character greeted everyone with a Chinese New Year sentimentality, but Lead Character is neither Chinese nor sentimental. Well, perhaps not completely. Lead Character looks a little Chinese when he's sleepy or drunk, and most especially when he's sleepy and drunk at the same time. And he's kind of sentimental, especially when he decides to finally regroup and think about things that he is to expect this year.

5. Follow a clearer career path. Nope, Lead Character has not documented anything here about what he really wants to do in life. But that's because he doesn't know what it is exactly. All he knows is that it involves an Oscar statuette and $1B.

4. Get inked. He now has the design, yes. But not the body part for it yet. Well, he knows which body part, it's just not ideally formed enough yet. Yes, yes, dammit, he wants a tattoo on his belly. What does his belly look like right now? You don't want to know. And if you do, you shouldn't.

3. Lose weight. Not exactly for aesthetics purposes. He doesn't need aesthetics (ha ha!). This is solely for the tattoo (ha ha!).

2. Write more. Get published again. Send an entry to the Palanca awards. Win or lose, it doesn't really matter. At least one blog entry per day to start with. Ambitious? Well, if others can do it, there's no reason why a Renaissance man (ha ha!) like Lead Character can't. Well, there is one reason: Procrastination. Embarrasingly, Lead Character's affair with Procrastination has now bordered on sexual.

1. The one thing why all those four things are expected this year. They're all for this first one. Later this year, maybe October, maybe November. You'll see, you'll see.

Lead Characterisms

Over the years, Lead Character has let go of some of the wisest pieces of advice for his friends. He’s never documented any of them, but he realizes now that it’s about time that he does.

Lead Characterism can be a movement, much like Ayn Rand’s Objectivism. And no, this isn’t entirely narcissistic as Lead Characterism does not have to be about Lead Character himself, but to anyone who wants to be the lead character in the movie of their lives. Lead Character has met hundreds of people. The 434 friends in his Facebook profile is but a pinch. There’s probably 20 more that haven’t added him up yet. And of those 454 people that he’s met in his entire lifetime, only a handful has shown that they are lead characters. Just like Lead Character, most people just do not have the balls to be in the spotlight and just settle for being sidekicks or (gasp!) extras.

So do not be a sidekick or an (gasp!) extra anymore. Learn from Lead Character.

• Physics and Calculus have opposing definitions when it comes to Love. In Physics, Love is like Energy; it can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred. In Calculus, Love = DNE. It would make sense for Lead Character to go with Calculus. Because with Calculus, it would follow that Pain = DNE. Because think about it. What happens when you lose Energy? You get backlogs at work!
• In a post-apocalyptic world, the only useful people are doctors, architects, carpenters, farmers, and scientists. But perhaps during idle time while rebuilding society, performers, especially comedians, will come in handy. Athletes will be very useful, too, but not as athletes. The scary part is that, for sure, politicians will still push for themselves as important.
• There is no such thing as pre-marital sex if you do not intend to or cannot get married. For some, it's simply pre-dinner, or pre-2012. Hopefully, though, not pre-school or postmortem.
• It is fine to be stuck in the past, just not physically.
• In Third World culinary, white vinegar and Sprite can be substitute for white wine.
• If someone steals your cell phone, steal it right back.
• If you let the cat out of the bag, be prepared for it to go “meow!”
• Do not let a tiger out of the bag. Never!
• Lesbians are fun to hang out with.
• Cameron Diaz is annoying.
• What looks like a wart can be a tumor all along. Do not attempt to cauterize it with Lion-Tiger katol. Consult your doctor.
• When you have no sense of direction, the less things upset you.
• There’s no such thing as living in the moment. You can be having fun with your friends, seemingly enjoying yourself, but there’s always that thing hovering about you that you cannot get rid of: it could be issues at home, an ex you still can’t get over, or an ingrown nail.
• Find humor in your heartache and you’ll be fine.

That’s all that Lead Character can remember for now. Until next time!

Lead Character Answers Miss Universe 2011 Questions

If you could trade lives with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

Boa noite, Brasil!

I would trade lives with Adolf Hitler.

Just kidding! But you should see the look on your faces.

Would you change your religious beliefs to marry the person you love? Why and why not?

I do not have any religious beliefs to change, because I do not believe in religion. I'd say that I do not believe in God, but I already ruined your night when I said I'd trade lives with Adolf Hitler, so I'll just keep that to myself. Also, I cannot marry the person that I love because it is not allowed in my country, or in most parts of the world, for that matter.

Obrigado, Brasil!

Nude beaches are common in some parts of the country. Is public nudity appropriate or inappropriate and why?

I like even tans, right down to the ass.

Obrigado por ter me, Brasil!

What would you do to avoid fighting a war that you did not agree with?

Just act busy.

Olá, Brasil! Como você está fazendo?

If you could change one of your physical characteristics, which one would it be and why?

I'd love for my teeth to be smaller.

Você está bem, o Brasil?

2010: A Year That Was Not So "Kay Ganda," adj. So Beautiful

Another year of the Gregorian calendar is almost over. For most people, it's high time they looked back into the year that was and see how the next year can be tons better, the way they all do every year (the success rate of which is so low it's disheartening).

For Lead Character, however, his year was so uneventful it's not worth writing about. The only highlights were his travels, all the weight he gained exponentially (for having worked two jobs at the same time), and the plummeting peso-dollar rate, which, if you work from home and get paid in US dollars, hurts like a motherfrakker. So Lead Character instead would like to examine the year that was for other people, because life is much more fun that way.

For those who got their hearts broken this year, it's high time you pushed yourself up from that dark corner you're in, fix yourself, and use next year to exact revenge--not directly to the person who broke your heart but to anyone at random. Yes, Lead Character suggests you break hearts next year. If blessed people can pay kindness forward, then cursed people can pay curses forward, too. This is to keep things balanced, to avoid karmic warming, which is the socio-spiritual equivalent of global warming.

For those who broke hearts this year, next year would probably be smooth sailing for you. If you feel guilty about having broken someone's heart, then you've paid your price--guilt is awful enough a feeling. Shake that guilt off now and enjoy next year with the freedom you've acquired from breaking someone's heart. If you never felt guilty, then you're either a bad person, or the person whose heart you broke is the bad person. Either way, spend next year with caution.

For those who didn't break hearts nor had their hearts broken this year, chances are, you will have the same experience next year. It's either you're physically unattractive or socially awkward. Or both. Your only saving grace now is money. Use next year to start your hefty savings for both the sunny and the rainy days. Yes, Lead Character does not advocate just saving money for emergencies but for luxuries as well. Buy that iPad you don't really need, or that expensive watch that can make people think you're rich.

For Katrina Halili, it's high time that she examined her life and see how the next year can be spent more fruitfully. Is she going to pursue another attempt at making Hayden Kho pay for what he did? Or is she going to pull a Maricar Reyes, be a big person, and just move past a mistake that she shared responsibility for? As per the Pasig Regional Trial Court's ruling, there was insufficient evidence that she was unaware she was being filmed while getting it on. Unless you are peripherally blind, girl, just admit that you knew you were being filmed. Of course, you can't be peripherally blind. If you were, you wouldn't be as bad an actress as you are now (read: unaware of the camera = natural acting).

For P-Noy, it's been quite a year, huh? From the Quirino Grandstand hostage-taking to the RH Bill to the fracas surrounding the Department of Tourism campaign. Lead Character didn't vote for you but he didn't think you were going to be a lousy President. Thank you for supporting the RH Bill. Please, continue acting on your intellectual moral code and not on the church's.

For those who oppose the RH Bill because of the Holy Spirit, it's high time that you shut the fuck up. However, if you oppose the RH Bill for other reasons, say, it does not really prevent overpopulation and that it's an extravagance that affects the national budget, then by all means continue fighting for what you believe in. Lead Character has respect for you.

For the team that makes up the Department of Tourism, here's an idea for a tourism campaign: "Pilipinas kay Happening!" Why? Because things are happening in our country. It's not about beauty anymore; every country claims the same. Selling our country as beautiful is too generic. Besides, it's not completely true. So to make us stand out, why not say that things are happening here? And once the tourists come pouring in, let's start making things happen. What kinds of things? Ask help from the gays!

For Lauro Vizconde, Lead Character cannot even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now. For Lead Character, our justice system is a joke not because Hubert Webb et al. were acquitted by the Supreme Court but because no one present has been found guilty. Two of those that were convicted by the lower court remain at-large. What is going on here? Lead Character was in grade school when the heinous crime took place, and since then he couldn't help but be bothered by how it must be like to lose your entire nuclear family in just one night. You must no longer be looking back into the year that was and look forward into the year that is to come. Rather, you're probably thinking of those 15 years without your family beside you, and dreading another 15 years of justice not being sought. What for most people is the season to be jolly, yours is the season to be grieving yet again. What for most people is the new year for a new life, all you have are memories. Irrelevant as this may be, please take this post as a dedication to you and your family. May you find peace in a place where we promise tourists beauty, but we cannot even provide our countrymen the same.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Lead Character Is a Kid Who Doesn't Fit In, Among Other Things

By admission of Lauren Leto, creator of this very neat site Texts from Last Night, Lead Character is a kid who doesn't fit in, a smart geek, a workaholic seeking validation, and at the same time a girl who keeps journals whose significant other grabs him (or her?) under the table in order to shut him (or her?) up whenever someone else at a dinner says something absolutely ridiculous and wrong.

Lead Character is thankful that by being stereotyped by his favorite authors, he now knows more about himself.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Lead Character is not a Jesus person, but is thankful nonetheless for the celebration of Christmas.

(Lauren Leto should also point out that if you love Richard Dawkins and J.D. Salinger at the same time, you are a non-Jesus person who enjoys Christmas.)

The Hehe Complex

Because of my overwhelming need to be liked by everyone, I have developed the hehe complex. This isn’t that huge of a deal. I consulted a future-doctor friend who suffers from the same neuropsychiatric disorder and she does not think that it’s anything to be alarmed about. For one, despite this being a relatively new disorder, it’s pretty prevalent among those who text, blog, blog-hop, and instant message. Another, there aren’t any available medications for this condition yet, perhaps because this hasn’t been proven to be harmful to other people. At least not yet.

I do not remember exactly when I started to develop the hehe complex. I just realized earlier today that I’ve been suffering from this condition for as long as I can remember. My doctor friend shared how worried she was that when she apologized to someone over SMS, she ended her text with a “hehe,” which, for her, was inappropriate. How could that other person have possibly taken her apology when she wrote “I’m sorry. Hehe.”?

This made me realize that I add “hehe” on almost every text and instant message that I send, and I got into thinking that this is so because I wanted to be liked, and missing to add “hehe” would seem that I was mad at, or worse, bored by, that other person.

“Hehe,” as we already know, translates to a chuckle. Most of the time, it’s a nervous chuckle. Other times, it’s just a polite one. Mine are mostly polite hehes. Sometimes, they’re nervous, but only subtly, much like when I go: “Are you top or bottom? Hehe.”

Other hehe people—or in medical terms, hehe retards—have their own ways of using the “hehe.” There are those that use “hehe” to confess something, but want a preemptive loophole to take it back in case the truth is not taken lightly.

“No, Ma, I only tried pot once. I’m really more into meth. Hehe.”

The “hehe” in the aforementioned sentence is pretty much the same “hehe” used in the following:

“Yes, we’ve been friends for years, and you’re in love with her. But dammit, I want you. I love you. Each day is like torture knowing you aren’t mine. Hehe.”

If you really think about it, this is actually a self-preserving condition in which the person with the disorder enables him/herself to save face. The bad news, though, is that if left unnoticed, the hehe complex may soon evolve into the haha complex, which is a much more involved psychiatric condition that needs treatment fast.

“I’m very sorry for your loss. Your sister was an exceptional person. Haha.”

To date, no studies have been conducted yet about the hehe complex. Please consider this as an open letter to men of science to finally take notice of this condition. Hehe.

(OMG! That was such a predictable ending!)

P.S. Next week’s topic will be the OMG complex.