Great Boobs of Fire!

(Season One Finale)

Lead Character and Tee, girlfriend of his girl friend Dee, are sitting bored out of their wits outside Seattle's Best at the Terraces. Dee is still inside finishing something on her laptop. By the time she catches up with Lead Character and Tee, the two are already talking about the Roman Polanski case, the term "hebephilia," the song "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morissette, which is about hebephilia, and, as brought up by Tee, the movie Great Balls of Fire!, which is based on the true story of '50s musician Jerry Lee Lewis, who married a 13-year-old.

Dee: OMG, Tee. Do you have to be such a know-it-all?

Tee: Huh? Really? Was I being a know-it-all? It just so happens I remember the movie....

Lead Character: Yeah, I never really got that know-it-all vibe from you....

Lead Character stops and checks out the guy passing by. The guy has smooth, probably medically-enhanced, skin, and gigantic, gym-developed pecs.

Lead Character (to Dee and Tee): Man, look at those man-boobs! That guy is hot!

Dee knots her brows at Lead Character, right before taking a bat from her purse and clubbing Lead Character with it on the head.

Dee: You horny bitch! Don't you recognize the girl that he's with?

Lead Character (while massaging his bleeding temples): Huh? Who?

Tee: Oh, yeah! I recognize her.

Lead Character (squints at Recognizable Girl): Oh, yeah!

Dee (teary-eyed): OMG! We have to have our picture taken with her! OMG!

Lead Character: OMG! Let's! Let's!

Tee: Um, hehe, yeah, I'll just pass.

Dee and Lead Character hurry off to Recognizable Girl. Other losers mall customers are already having their pictures taken with her.

Dee and Lead Character: Hi, Recognizable Girl! Can we go next!

Recognizable Girl (with a friendly yet uncomfortable smile): Sure, sure!

After Lead Character takes Dee's picture with Recognizable Girl, Lead Character stands right next to Recognizable Girl, whom he realizes now must play Lead Character in Lead Character Chronicles: The Movie.

Dee raises her Blackberry in front of them.

Dee: Say Cheese!

CLICK!

Lead Character (telling himself): This is sooo going on my blog!

Lead Character Learns How to Cook

(Season One, Episode 08)

Before today, LEAD CHARACTER has never cooked anything real, unless you count scrambled eggs and instant noodles with egg real. (Hmmm... in a way, LEAD CHARACTER has a fascination with eggs.) LEAD CHARACTER has always wanted to learn how to cook something real, or something that takes more than 15 minutes to cook. He asked his MOTHER before if she could teach him her own treatment of Estufado, but they both never had the time.

But since it's a long Christmas vacation, LEAD CHARACTER figures that this might be the perfect time to learn how to cook. So he searches online for a recipe of your traditional, everyday pancakes, after which he goes to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.

Half-way through his cooking, LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel exhausted. But he pushes on. This has got to be a feat that anyone can manage.

Finally, he produces his very first pancake.


And soon enough, he finishes one complete with butter and maple syrup. Both his MOTHER and FATHER taste it. They smirk at LEAD CHARACTER then proceed to watching the evening news. Yes, LEAD CHARACTER cooked the pancakes at dusk. And whatever his parents' smirk meant, LEAD CHARACTER will never know.
Tomorrow, LEAD CHARACTER will try cooking Seared Ostrich Filet with Heirloom Tomato Risotto and Abalone Reduction. But if it turns out his company no longer has the ostriches in their cages, he will try instead cooking Sweet Black Chicken and Salty Geoduck nestled with Quinoa and Two Cucumber Ribbons.
Happy New Year everyone!

Chopping Green Tomatoes

(Season One, Episode 07)

It’s almost noon and LEAD CHARACTER can see an ice cream vendor outside the window blowing the horns out of his bicycle-driven drum of ice cream. LEAD CHARACTER recoils at the noise. His head is pounding, his mouth dry, and his ass sore (though in a good way). He chugs on a bottle of water to quench his gargantuan (hehe, gargantuan) thirst. Then the young man with a FLAT STOMACH enters the room.

FLAT STOMACH: My boardmates are still in the sala. Do you mind waiting for a coupla more minutes?

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head weakly): It’s fine. Just let me know when it’s OK to go outside because I really need to use your communal bathroom. My bladder is about to explode.

Yes, aside from the headache and the thirst and the ass-soreness, LEAD CHARACTER has been holding his pee for almost two hours. The previous night had been too irresponsible for him to recover from; bottles of Red Horse paraded like ants in his midst.

FLAT STOMACH then sits on the bed behind LEAD CHARACTER and spoons him.

FLAT STOMACH: I want a boyfriend. Will you be my boyfriend?

LEAD CHARACTER, out of politeness, giggles.

LEAD CHARACTER: That won’t be right. We don’t even know each other.

FLAT STOMACH: Why? Don’t you want a boyfriend? I want a boyfriend. I want someone to talk to.

LEAD CHARACTER: Why? Don’t you talk to your friends?

FLAT STOMACH: But I can’t hug my friends like this… (hugs Lead Character tight). And I can’t kiss them like this… (kisses Lead Character’s nape)

LEAD CHARACTER stops himself from gagging.

LEAD CHARACTER: Sorry. Relationships aren’t my thing.

FLAT STOMACH: Will you find me a boyfriend then?

LEAD CHARACTER (mental voice-over): Sure. In return, find me a beating heart for myself.

At this point, because of his own mental voice-over, LEAD CHARACTER gags. He holds the vomit from exploding out of his mouth then swallows it.

LEAD CHARACTER: Look, I really need to go.

So FLAT STOMACH heads back out of the room. In a few moments, he comes back and tells LEAD CHARACTER that it’s already safe to leave.

They sneak out of FLAT STOMACH’S boarding house after LEAD CHARACTER has peed a bucketful in the bathroom. Before hopping on a jeepney, FLAT STOMACH asks for his number. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want to give it, but he reconsiders “why the hell not” since he likes FLAT STOMACH’s flat stomach. It’s something that he doesn’t have.

LEAD CHARACTER sleeps the jeepney ride off from the one-hour-away-from-Ayala area to Ayala. After an hour, he arrives at Ayala. He then heads straight to the jeepney terminal where he realizes that he’s too hungry to get on another jeepney. So he goes to the Shawarma stand.

LEAD CHARACTER: One Shawarma, please. (Extends his one-hundred peso bill.)

SHAWARMA VENDOR: Do you have a smaller bill? I just started my day. I don’t have change for that.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head): No, I only have this amount. I wish to god Shiva that I had the exact amount of twenty-five pesos, but I don’t.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then shrugs his shoulder and proceeds to chopping green tomatoes. LEAD CHARACTER is appalled. He waits for SHAWARMA VENDOR to turn back to him to make him his Shawarma, and perhaps do the initiative of asking for change from the next stall, but SHAWARMA VENDOR doesn’t. A GUY then comes to buy Shawarma. The guy hands SHAWARMA VENDOR a twenty-peso bill and a five-peso coin. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for the GUY.

LEAD CHARACTER: How about mine?

SHAWARMA VENDOR: I still have no change for your hundred pesos.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then turns his back again at LEAD CHARACTER and continues chopping them green tomatoes.

Two middle-aged LADIES then come by to buy two Shawarmas. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for them. At this point, LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying. He makes a mental note to call Persian Palate to report the asshole.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaky voice): So I’m guessing you’ll have change after this?

SHAWARMA VENDOR simply looks LEAD CHARACTER in the eye then goes back to preparing Shawarma for the two middle-aged LADIES.

LEAD CHARACTER plans to go ahead and order Shawarma anyway but then leave after SHAWARMA VENDOR has made it. He also considers just leaving, because his head is pounding and he’s thirsty again. But then, in an act of desperation, for not knowing how exactly to hurt SHAWARMA VENDOR the way SHAWARMA VENDOR has hurt his feelings, LEAD CHARACTER squeezes the middle-aged ladies’ breasts then runs away.

The End

Impulse in the Time of Flatulence

(Season One, Episode 06)

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel it while on a jeepney on the way to Mango Square: something clawing from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon, a feeling of utter discomfort. Now, he couldn’t tell yet if it’s a lump of sharp air or a mound of fecal matter. What he knows is he has to keep his rectum closed lest something unpleasant will unveil itself on a public transportation.

He finally reaches Mango Square after what seemed like 3 years. He immediately runs to the R-Biz boutique where a financial transaction takes place. After getting his money, LEAD CHARACTER feels that the clawing force that settled in his Sigmoid Colon may have dissipated thin already, thus making it manageable to let out, so he goes to an empty corner and releases it. Yes, it’s just air, thankfully.

LEAD CHARACTER then makes his way to the mall’s exit until it occurs to him he has money in his pocket. This is one of his weaknesses. Even if he has money that’s intended for more important matters (i.e., bills, bills, bills), he always has to urge to spend some of it. So he drops by National Bookstore to see if there’s a book he can buy. LEAD CHARACTER wants to go back to reading fiction again, as the last books he’s read have been all non-fiction. He vacillates between the first Gossip Girl book and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. He’s worried, though, that he might not enjoy Gossip Girl as he’s already seen the first season of the TV adaptation, and the first book has been pretty much covered already by the TV series, so he considers Twilight. For this, he also has trouble deciding since he’s been getting feedback from friends that it’s nothing but this season’s Harry Potter for college kids, not to mention the allegedly cringe-worthy love quotes in it. So he goes to the Philippine Literature section to see if there’s something he could pick up. It then occurs to him that he has backlogs at home, books that he’s either only half-read or not read yet at all, and they’ve been waiting for him to pick them up. If he really wants fiction, he can just head straight home and pick one of those books up. But no, there’s money in his pocket so he has to spend some of it.



And then suddenly, it started again—that clawing force slithering its way from his Descending to his Sigmoid Colon. This time there really is no telling if it’s just air or the tangible supply of his digestive system. He goes to the back shelves, in between the Sci-Fi and the Classic Literature sections. With all the strength his anus could absorb from his entire body, he attempts to stop the discharge.

He fails.

A trail of thick, tube-like lump of musty air makes its way through his jeans to all of the A-F Bestsellers shelves.

Weakened by the feat, he staggers his way out of the shelves then picks a random book up along the way. While in line for the cashier, he realizes he’s picked Chuck Palahniuk’s Rant. He’s not familiar with Palahniuk’s work. He didn’t even see Fight Club. But the movie Choke has been getting some sort of hype so maybe Mr. Palahniuk is not a bad read after all.

LEAD CHARACTER goes home and reads the first few pages of Rant in the toilet. This book is funny in a promising way, he tells himself as he holds his breath for yet another solid deposit.

Morning News

(Season One, Episode 05)

It’s a crisp Monday morning. LEAD CHARACTER wakes up early to have his early-morning fix of oatmeal, coffee, rice, pork chop, chop suey, and Coke. He goes online while having his breakfast. From the corner of his eyes, he sees his mother staring at him.

MOTHER: Lead Character, go get ready for work!

LEAD CHARACTER chooses to ignore his mother and blog-hops instead.

MOTHER: You’re going to be late! Get your ass moving!

LEAD CHARACTER shakes his head and pulls up WMP to play his early morning playlist: Tori Amos, Jason Mraz, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna…

MOTHER: Why won’t you listen to me?! You’re going to be late and you’ll end up taking a cab again!!!

LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and slams the mouse hard on the desk.

LEAD CHARACTER: Will you please get off my back?!

MOTHER (pinching LEAD CHARACTER on the waist): Are you raising your voice at me?

LEAD CHARACTER: Alright, alright! I’m taking a shower!

LEAD CHARACTER stands up and heads straight to the bathroom.

LEAD CHARACTER (under his breath): Bitch!

He doesn’t like it if his morning is ruined because of his mother’s early-morning banter-cum-reprimand. He wants his mother to just let him be. If he gets to work late, then that’s his problem. It’s times like these that he wishes he moved out of the house already. But at 25, he feels that he hasn’t grown up enough yet to be responsible for himself and himself alone. He wishes he were a Gossip Girl character so it’d be easier to scheme against his family, his mother especially, for being too noisy early in the morning.

So he turns on the faucet in the bathroom to store up some water in the pail. Their water tank is so low-tech that there isn’t enough pressure for water to flow properly through their shower nozzle. If he chooses to shower, it’d only be like showering under a drizzle.

LEAD CHARACTER (singing while shampooing): What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence….

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): (something inaudible for Lead Character)

LEAD CHARACTER (annoyed): What?!

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): It’s your (inaudible word). He’s (another inaudible word).

LEAD CHARACTER turns the faucet off.

LEAD CHARACTER: What the fuck did you say?

MOTHER: It’s your grandfather. He died just this morning.

LEAD CHARACTER (ghost-white): Oh.

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel depressed. He thinks of the times he’s yelled at his MOTHER for the very little things. And now he thinks about how his MOTHER lost her mother a few years back. And now it’s his MOTHER’S father. He believes his MOTHER can now be termed as an orphan.

LEAD CHARACTER steps out of the bathroom and takes a peek at his MOTHER in the living room. Her eyes are wet and red and her mouth, a heavy frown. LEAD CHARACTER feels the urge to hold his MOTHER, to tell her he loves her, and that he’s there for her, but he isn’t one who goes for the sentimental. So he stands from a distance and attempts a consoling smile, as if to apologize for yelling at her earlier.

His MOTHER sniffles and wipes away tears as she continues to talk on the phone, telling a close friend that her father just died.

"In Memory of Lolo Togo"
I remember you as the sweetest grandfather one could hope for.

Enemy's Lair, part 2

(Season One, Episode 04)

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside LEAD CHARACTER.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

From hereon, VIOLATOR 2 will be referred to as URINATOR.

VIOLATOR 1 leaves. URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER are then called over by MUSTACHED GUY.

MUSTACHED GUY: Here’s the thing. You have to pay Php500 within 7 days. If you don’t, the CESET Office will file a case against you.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER nod together. LEAD CHARACTER considers not paying. After all, he has a friend whose father is a lawyer. If they want war, they’ll get war. But then again, LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want the publicity. Perhaps his war should be fought in a more furtive manner.

MUSTACHED GUY: Now, all you need to do is pay Teller 3 then come back here to hand me the receipt.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER hurry to the next building where Teller 3 is situated. On their way, LEAD CHARACTER grabs URINATOR'S arm.

URINATOR: What?

LEAD CHARACTER: I want to know where this is going….

URINATOR (cocking his head): What do you mean?

LEAD CHARACTER: I mean us. The question of ‘us.’ You can’t deny that we now have a connection.

URINATOR (taking a step backwards): You’re crazy.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head excitedly): No, I’m not. You don’t get it….

URINATOR: What don’t I get?

LEAD CHARACTER (overflowing with conviction): The City Hall is our enemy. It singled both of us out. We have to fight back. (He shakes URINATOR by the shoulders.) We have to destroy it before it destroys us! We have to fight this thing together!

URINATOR (shaking his head): I’m going to Teller 3. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t.

LEAD CHARACTER retreats to a nearby electrical post and sobs. It saddens him that he has no one to fight his battle with. He looks up, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Looking at the shrinking figure of URINATOR as he walks away, LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and promises to brave through his battles alone.

He lights a cigarette and tails URINATOR.

(Note: The original Multiply version is a lot longer. The creator has decided to cut this episode in half because there's nothing much in the original ending, anyway.)

Enemy's Lair, part 1

(Season One, Episode 03)

LEAD CHARACTER waits in line in the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) Office. He’s been there since six in the morning to apply for a passport for the first time. He never really intended applying for a passport, but it’s another pre-employment requirement from his current company that he hasn’t submitted yet. The other one is his TOR, which he doesn’t want to think about too much at the moment.

He feels stupid. He should have waited in line the day before, since it was a holiday in the city where his company is. But when he got to the DFA office at around ten in the morning, the security guard informed him they only give out priority numbers very early in the morning, so LEAD CHARACTER would have to come back way earlier the next day. So today, even if LEAD CHARACTER has work, he waits in line. After a couple text messages exchanged with his boss, he gets allowed to take the day off.

At around eleven, LEAD CHARACTER submits all of his forms, which have already been encoded, to the INFORMATION GIRL.

INFORMATION GIRL: You need to have your picture retaken.

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

INFORMATION GIRL: Your hair, it’s too close to the edge of the photo. We can’t accept this.

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t feel like crying yet; just annoyed. He can’t understand why the DFA has to be strict on photo margins. It’s not his fault if he has a huge head with big hair. But he nods off and has his picture retaken at the DFA Multipurpose Cooperative. He suspects INFORMATION GIRL knows he didn’t have his picture taken at the DFA Coop, so he’s asked to have it retaken so the Coop can profit more from passport applicants. Government conspiracy? LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t even want to get into it yet.

His retaken picture worries him. He’s been awake since four in the morning. Naturally, he looks tired. But what comes out is not “tired.” He finds it odd that on the picture, his right eye looks a lot sleepier than his left eye. If his first picture has his hair too close to the edge, this one here now looks like he’s one of the NBI top ten most wanted. He submits the picture, anyway, and thankfully it gets accepted. He is asked to come back at one o’clock for the final step of the application: paying the cashier.

LEAD CHARACTER heads out for lunch but he’s worried that he’s already spent an extra Php150 for the photo retake. He is out of cash (like most days). So he goes to the nearest ATM (and by nearest, I mean countries away—it’s noontime; the sun is hot; any distance has to be multiplied by how hot the sun is). In the ATM vestibule, he finds a 100-peso bill lying on the floor. He looks around. No one is watching. There are certainly no cameras visible. So he nonchalantly withdraws cash (and by withdraw, I mean a Cash Advance transaction). After getting his cash, his receipt “accidentally” falls to the floor. He picks it up, devil-may-care, along with the 100-peso bill. He begins to feel weird. Upon stepping out of the ATM vestibule, he stands frozen. He looks around, unsure of what to do next. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he approaches the SECURITY GUARD.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Somebody left a 1oo-peso bill inside. (Waves the money in front of the guard.)

SECURITY GUARD (staring at the bill): Hmmm… I think I know who withdrew before you. He works just right around the corner.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mmmkay.

SECURITY GUARD: Maybe he’ll come back for that later.

LEAD CHARACTER: Of course. Here. (Hands SECURITY GUARD the money.)

SECURITY GUARD accepts.

LEAD CHARACTER walks away feeling half good and half bad. It feels good to be honest. He feels guilt-free. However, he also feels that he was being stupid. Hell, it was only a hundred pesos. If it were a million pesos, there’s no question he has to return it. But a hundred pesos? It’s just too certain no one will come back for it. He’s lost a 500-peso bill before but he never retraced his steps to look for it. He begins to hate himself for being too honest. It could have been free lunch from Fate. But the thing is, he doesn’t believe in Fate or Destiny. So he decides instead to treat himself a big lunch to cheer himself up.

He looks for the nearest KFC. KFC is his favorite fried chicken, especially the spicy ones. He also likes the color brown, and the TV show “Lost.” He also loves sipping tea alone, and smoking on a cold day. Those are a few of his favorite things. He remembers them when the dog bites. Their neighborhood dogs do bite and each time he passes by his neighbors’ houses, he shuts his eyes and wishes for the dogs to go away. But we digress.

So LEAD CHARACTER walks all around Osmeña Blvd. and Colon St. No KFC at all. By this time his shirt is dripping with sweat and he feels that he’s already sporting a tan. He decides to have Chowking instead. He orders spicy beef chao fan, siomai, siopao, and large Sprite. After the hearty meal, he goes outside for a cigarette. It’s a hot day, but he also loves smoking after eating. So he smokes. He’s switched to Marlboro Lights after a couple of years on Reds. His plan is to eventually quit smoking soon.

So he smokes and puffs and stares ahead—not just into the streets but into his future as well. He’s worried that he no longer has the drive to become anything, but he hopes that will change soon. He makes his last drag the longest and his most meaningful. Then he throws the butt into a puddle in front of him. There are already a number of cigarette butts there, anyway, not to mention an empty water bottle and a green mango seed. And then….

GUY IN YELLOW UNIFORM: Um, Sir…

LEAD CHARACTER turns around.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Naa biya ta’y City Ordinance, Sir. Dili man ta pwede molabay ug basura bisa’g asa. (Yellow Uniform starts to take out a ticket stub and a pen from his pocket.) Can I see your ID?

LEAD CHARACTER swallows a large gulp of saliva.

LEAD CHARACTER: Is this… um… are you… there’s a 500-peso fine?

YELLOW UNIFORM nods. LEAD CHARACTER hands him his ID. YELLOW UNIFORM then writes down LEAD CHARACTER'S name on the ticket.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Actually, there are three options for you. You can go there to the City Hall and say sorry, or you pay a fine of 500 pesos. Or if you can’t pay, just opt for CS.

LEAD CHARACTER: You mean Community Service? Or Caesarian?

LEAD CHARACTER cringes at the thought of being forced to give birth just for a City Ordinance violation.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Community Service, sir.

LEAD CHARACTER mulls this over. If he pays 500 pesos he doesn’t have to apologize? But if he chooses to apologize, he doesn’t have to pay? But if he can’t pay and doesn’t want to apologize, he can just render community service? LEAD CHARACTER asks YELLOW UNIFORM to clarify. YELLOW UNIFORM simply tells him it depends on what the people at the City Hall say. He is then directed to go to the City Hall, CESET Office. If he doesn’t go there within seven days, the CESET Office will file a case against him.

LEAD CHARACTER tries to consider his odds. He can not show up at all, then find a good lawyer. The problem is, he doesn’t know who would want to represent someone for simply throwing a cigarette butt.

JUDGE: How do you plead?
LEAD CHARACTER: Your Honor! Move to strike! Move to strike!
JUDGE: What for?
ATTORNEY: Your Honor, he means he’s guilty.
JUDGE: Fifteen years in prison!
LEAD CHARACTER: But… your Honor, I’m not ready. I need to lose weight. I can’t go to prison this unattractive….

So LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the ATM and withdraws cash again. His mind goes back to the hundred pesos. He shakes his head. It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if he did take the hundred pesos and if he were this believer in God, he would have felt it was punishment, his getting caught. But he isn’t a believer, and he never did take the hundred pesos, so all he can think really is everything is just random.

After waiting in line for another three hours at the DFA to complete the final step, he walks to the City Hall. This is another long walk that renders him almost unconscious. But so far LEAD CHARACTER has managed to steel himself both physically and emotionally.

There comes a time when the hero of the story ultimately has to enter the enemy’s lair and fight his first battle. This is the time now for LEAD CHARACTER. Finally, the conspiracy has a face, an office.

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside MUSTACHED GUY.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

To be continued….

Return of Merchandise

(Season One, Episode 02)

LEAD CHARACTER has returned home safely. Over a month has passed. On this one particular night, LEAD CHARACTER is nursing a hangover for having had almost four full glasses of bullfrogs the other night. Bullfrog is a great drink, but only if you have a glass. More than a glass usually spells inappropriate laughing at people with disabilities and sleeping for over four hours in an Internet Cafe. But that is another story. Tonight LEAD CHARACTER still feels a little bit drunk. He craves for spicy beef-flavored instant noodles with egg. So he goes out to the nearest sari-sari store (right next to his house).

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have spicy beef-flavored instant noodles?

SON OF VENDOR: Yes, we do, Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: I would like to buy one, please, Son of Vendor.

LEAD CHARACTER'S gaze shifts to the SON OF VENDOR'S father (which by default just makes him VENDOR). The VENDOR is old. He’s probably in his late fifties. He is wearing a sleeveless shirt and LEAD CHARACTER has a hard time deciding if the VENDOR'S arms are all muscles, or all bones wrapped in veins.

LEAD CHARACTER (cont’d): And one egg.

SON OF VENDOR goes on to get the noodles and egg. But…

SON OF VENDOR: I’m sorry but we’re out of spicy ones. Just plain beef.

LEAD CHARACTER considers this for a minute. He decides that it’s too tiring to go to another sari-sari store.

LEAD CHARACTER: It’s fine. Plain beef will do.

So LEAD CHARACTER gets the egg and the plain beef-flavored instant noodles and pays. He goes home and boils water. While waiting for the water to boil, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that he’s horny. He makes a mental note to masturbate later.

The water boils. LEAD CHARACTER gets a large bowl to beat the egg in. Upon breaking the egg, he finds that it’s bad. Real bad. It has blood.

LEAD CHARACTER looks up and tries to come up with a next plan of action. He knows the right thing to do is to return the egg and ask for another one. But LEAD CHARACTER is not exactly a force of nature. In fact, one has to wonder why he is even a lead character when he does not have a strong enough personality to go through life. He heaves and recalls all those times that he never asked for the 50-centavo change in his numerous jeepney rides to and from work. The jeepney fare is Php6.50. But somehow, drivers seem to think that LEAD CHARACTER is more than happy to pay his entire Php7.00 without asking for a change.

LEAD CHARACTER gathers himself together and goes back to the sari-sari store with the bowl of bloody egg.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Can I have this egg exchanged with a fresh one? It’s bad. (Shows the bowl.)

SON OF VENDOR looks to his father, questioning.

VENDOR (to LEAD CHARACTER): I’m sorry. We have a no-return policy.

LEAD CHARACTER is taken aback.

LEAD CHARACTER: But the egg you just sold me is bad. It has blood. Look. (Tilts the bowl further so it’s visible to the veiny-armed Vendor.)

VENDOR (shaking his head, smiling smugly): I’m sorry, we can’t accept that. We
ourselves cannot return it to the store we bought it from.

LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying.

LEAD CHARACTER: But it’s not my fault your egg is bad.

VENDOR: I’m sorry, kid. But it’s just not possible.

LEAD CHARACTER continues to hold back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER (bowing his head low): OK.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back home, his breathing by this time a lot heavier than on ordinary days. He hurls the bowl of bad egg towards the wall. His MOTHER jolts up from watching TV.

MOTHER: What’s wrong?

LEAD CHARACTER (sobbing): They won’t replace the egg. (Now yelling) They won’t replace the goddamn egg!

LEAD CHARACTER starts throwing things away: their 30-inch flat-screen TV, their printer-copier-scanner-in-one, monobloc chairs….

MOTHER: Calm down, hijo! Calm down!

LEAD CHARACTER'S mother pins him down to the floor.

LEAD CHARACTER: Get off of me! He’s not replacing the egg!

It dawns on LEAD CHARACTER that all of this is probably some big government conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Return of Merchandise Office. Come to think of it, what happened to him at the medical center may have been another conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Medical Exam Office.

MOTHER (whispering in LEAD CHARACTER'S ear): Hush now, child. It’s all going to be OK.

LEAD CHARACTER'S heaving slows and lightens.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Yes, it’s all going to be OK. I’m going to have my revenge. Not to the Vendor, not to the medical receptionist who thought I was thirty-five years old, but to the government. The government is going to pay.

Screen blackens.

Moral of the story: The customer is always right, but sometimes hurt.

See you all next time!

Medical Exam: A Horror Story

(Season One, Episode 01)

Our LEAD CHARACTER enters the clinic with an 8.5x11 bond paper. It has a medical endorsement form printed on it. It’s 1:25PM, but thankfully it isn’t your usual hot summer day so sweat isn’t seeping through the underarms of his shirt yet.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, I was endorsed by HugeHands Entertainment for a medical exam….

RECEPTIONIST: Your name is?

LEAD CHARACTER: My name is Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: (checks list) Oh, yeah. Lead Character. There you are, from HugeHands Entertainment, right?

LEAD CHARACTER nods.

RECEPTIONIST: How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: (nonchalantly) OK…. I’ll endorse you to our Medical Technologist and she’ll take it from there.

LEAD CHARACTER is endorsed to the MEDICAL TECHNOLOGIST.

MEDTECH: Hi, Lead Character, right? How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

MEDTECH nods and jots down notes. She draws blood from LEAD CHARACTER. LEAD CHARACTER studies her face closely. She looks so damn familiar.

MEDTECH then hands LEAD CHARACTER two plastic cups with the label: Lead Character, 25M, HugeHands Entertainment.

MEDTECH: Sir, one cup is for your urine sample, the other is for your stool. For the urine, just get what’s in between.

Questioning look from LEAD CHARACTER.

MEDTECH: What I mean, sir, is disregard the first drops of pee as well as the last one. And make sure your urine goes up to here. (MEDTECH marks the cup with a pen.)

LEAD CHARACTER: Got it.

MEDTECH: As for your stool, sir, peanut-size will do.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. But deep inside he’s worried as his stool is usually arm-size.

LEAD CHARACTER: (to himself) I can do this.

He gets the cups from MEDTECH and goes straight to the john. There’s no tissue. LEAD CHARACTER wonders if they expect him to wash his ass later on the sink. He goes out and back to MEDTECH'S lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, do you have tissue?

MEDTECH: They have at the reception.

LEAD CHARACTER goes straight to the reception area. The entire cast with non-speaking roles is there: sullen mother, effing hot daddy dreadlocks, sick toddler, aunt-looking woman, grandmother-looking lady, and aunt-looking gentleman.

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have tissue?

A GUY IN UNIFORM WITH AN OBSCURE JOB hands LEAD CHARACTER a tissue. LEAD CHARACTER accepts promptly. As he is about to leave….

RECEPTIONIST: Thirty-five to, Sir, noh? Imong age?

LEAD CHARACTER (aghast): Di oi! Two. Five. Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: Ay sorry.

The entire cast choruses in laughter.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the john and pees accordingly to MEDTECH'S rule. For the stool sample, it takes him quite some time. He places the cup as best as he can directly below his anus and holds his breath.

One, two three….

He checks the cup. Nothing.

One more time…. One, two….

Still nothing in the cup. His forehead is already dripping with beads of sweat. He berates himself for having taken a dump already that morning.

One last try….

There. Not exactly peanut-size, but he’s sure MEDTECH has nothing against almonds.
He sanitizes himself then goes back to MEDTECH'S lab. He places the cups on the designated tray.

MEDTECH: You’re done?

LEAD CHARACTER nods. He stares at MEDTECH'S face again. She does look so familiar.

MEDTECH: OK, tell Receptionist you’re done and they’ll assist you with the X-Ray.

LEAD CHARACTER goes to RECEPTIONIST and tells her that he’s done.

RECEPTIONIST: OK, Sir, Guy in Uniform With an Obscure Job will take you to the X-Ray lab. After they’ve taken your X-Ray, you can go home. We’ll just endorse the results to HugeHands.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK, thank you.

OBSCURE GUY: Sir, just follow me.

As LEAD CHARACTER and OBSCURE GUY are about to leave…

RECEPTIONIST (full volume): Sir, twenty-five jud ka noh?

LEAD CHARACTER nods and imagines feeding RECEPTIONIST with his almond-sized stool sample. Outside, he follows OBSCURE GUY. After several minutes, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that they’re still not at the X-Ray lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Where’s the X-Ray lab?

OBSCURE GUY: We have to ride a jeepney, sir. It’s near the City Hall.

LEAD CHARACTER holds back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER: I don’t know where the City Hall is. I’m not from here.

OBSCURE GUY: It’s OK. I’ve taken expats there before.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. After a long period of silence….

LEAD CHARACTER: That MedTech girl, what’s her name?

OBSCURE GUY: Her? It’s [I forget what he said].

LEAD CHARACTER: OK… her last name?

OBSCURE GUY: Ducay.

LEAD CHARACTER (dawn of realization): Ah! She’s a former classmate’s sister.

After one jeepney ride, they get to the X-Ray lab. LEAD CHARACTER no longer knows whichever part of the city they are and how to get home. OBSCURE GUY chats with the X-RAY RECEPTIONIST as Lead Character gets called on to have his X-Ray taken. He takes a deep heave and he imagines the insides of his smoker lungs get taken a snapshot of. Maybe he won’t get the job after all. Maybe once the medical results are in, HugeHands Entertainment will realize from the X-Ray that he has thirty-year-old lungs and he’ll get disqualified for lying, for telling them he’s ten years younger. Then when he gets home he’ll confront his parents and they’ll tell him that he really is thirty-five years old, that RECEPTIONIST isn’t mistaken.

X-RAY TAKER: Sir, it’s done. You can put your shirt back on.

LEAD CHARACTER: Thank you.

LEAD CHARACTER says ‘thank you’ a lot as he is naïve that way. He grabs his shirt then puts it back on. Outside, OBSCURE GUY is nowhere to be found. He asks X-RAY RECEPTIONIST where OBSCURE GUY is and it turns out he’s already gone, deserting our dear LEAD CHARACTER in the middle of nowhere.

With tears flowing from his eyes, LEAD CHARACTER raises his hands to his head and kneels on the floor. And in a scream that seems to resonate like the Ten Commandments, LEAD CHARACTER curses the heavens.

I’M ALL ALOOONE!!!

Witnesses of what has transpired describe the events as a deeply moving outpouring of emotions from a misunderstood forty-five-year old.