Season 2, Episode 04
LEAD CHARACTER’S distant uncle, who wasn’t that much older than LEAD CHARACTER so he considered him his distant cousin, recently died of a heart attack. At the wake, LEAD CHARACTER is herded by his MOTHER here and there to introduce him to relatives he can no longer recall as having been part of his early years, except for the godmother who used to give him presents every Christmas day.
After the litany, LEAD CHARACTER walks up to the coffin to view his dead cousin. Dead people look very peaceful, something that LEAD CHARACTER envies. People who are left to live usually have things in their heads bugging them, be it something as painful as losing a loved one, or something as wonderful as finding one, or something as mundane as getting a new haircut for a job interview. For LEAD CHARACTER, as long as you’re alive, you’ll always be bound by time—ghosts of the past, challenges of an undecided future, and the strenuous feat of keeping it together for the present. But when you’re dead, you transcend time. There is no past, no present, no future. LEAD CHARACTER wishes he were dead.
However, LEAD CHARACTER’S rumination on death is interrupted when a group of men and women walk in with guitars and sheet music and Bibles. Everyone at the wake is then asked to take their seats. LEAD CHARACTER thinks for a moment that they’re going to have another round of prayers for the dead, but he’s wrong. The arrival of the group of men and women is not for the dead, but for the living. The group, it turns out, is there to proselytize.
After a couple of praise and worship songs, the group’s leader, who looks a lot like German Moreno (thus from hereon will be referred to as GERMAN MORENO), starts his talk with verses from the Bible that state absolute truths about life. They’re absolute truths because they’re from the Bible. Apparently the Christian Bible is as infallible as the sun rising in the east.
Absolute Truth #1: People die.
LEAD CHARACTER is stunned. He thought some people are immortal, like Madonna. But then again, maybe Madonna is already dead. She just looks alive these days because of Adobe Photoshop.
Absolute Truth #2: We’ll never know when we’re going to die.
LEAD CHARACTER is even more stunned. He thought he knew exactly when he’s going to die: October 27th, 2012, 4:38pm.
Absolute Truth #3: There is hell.
LEAD CHARACTER is impressed. Apparently, GERMAN MORENO has been to hell and back.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, if you want to avoid going to hell, whose fires are black, which are a lot more painful than yellow and blue fire, all you need to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior. Now let us all close our eyes and bow our heads. . . .
LEAD CHARACTER looks around. Pretty much everyone is hesitant. Who knows what will happen if everyone had their eyes closed? GERMAN MORENO will still steal a wet kiss from an unsuspecting person?
After a few more urging, everyone bows their heads. LEAD CHARACTER bows his head but keeps his eyes open, keeping close watch on his crotch to make sure nothing untoward will happen to it.
GERMAN MORENO: Now, I would like you to raise your hand if you want me to include you in my prayers.
LEAD CHARACTER knows exactly what is happening. If he raises his hand, GERMAN MORENO will acknowledge that LEAD CHARACTER has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior, thereby making him go to (gasp!) heaven, a place full of baby harpists in golden diapers. That, for LEAD CHARACTER, is creepy.
GERMAN MORENO: OK, we only have one person here who hasn’t raised his hand. Young man, don’t you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
LEAD CHARACTER panics. He’s pretty sure GERMAN MORENO is referring to him.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man?
LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t move an inch. He pretends to be asleep.
GERMAN MORENO: Young man, do you want to go to hell?
Yes, LEAD CHARACTER thinks. Hell is full of oiled musclemen screaming. Yes, I’d like to go to hell please.
But LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t respond. Apparently, pretending to be asleep is not helping. LEAD CHARACTER pushes the envelope and pretends to be dead.
