Morning News

(Season One, Episode 05)

It’s a crisp Monday morning. LEAD CHARACTER wakes up early to have his early-morning fix of oatmeal, coffee, rice, pork chop, chop suey, and Coke. He goes online while having his breakfast. From the corner of his eyes, he sees his mother staring at him.

MOTHER: Lead Character, go get ready for work!

LEAD CHARACTER chooses to ignore his mother and blog-hops instead.

MOTHER: You’re going to be late! Get your ass moving!

LEAD CHARACTER shakes his head and pulls up WMP to play his early morning playlist: Tori Amos, Jason Mraz, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna…

MOTHER: Why won’t you listen to me?! You’re going to be late and you’ll end up taking a cab again!!!

LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and slams the mouse hard on the desk.

LEAD CHARACTER: Will you please get off my back?!

MOTHER (pinching LEAD CHARACTER on the waist): Are you raising your voice at me?

LEAD CHARACTER: Alright, alright! I’m taking a shower!

LEAD CHARACTER stands up and heads straight to the bathroom.

LEAD CHARACTER (under his breath): Bitch!

He doesn’t like it if his morning is ruined because of his mother’s early-morning banter-cum-reprimand. He wants his mother to just let him be. If he gets to work late, then that’s his problem. It’s times like these that he wishes he moved out of the house already. But at 25, he feels that he hasn’t grown up enough yet to be responsible for himself and himself alone. He wishes he were a Gossip Girl character so it’d be easier to scheme against his family, his mother especially, for being too noisy early in the morning.

So he turns on the faucet in the bathroom to store up some water in the pail. Their water tank is so low-tech that there isn’t enough pressure for water to flow properly through their shower nozzle. If he chooses to shower, it’d only be like showering under a drizzle.

LEAD CHARACTER (singing while shampooing): What about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence….

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): (something inaudible for Lead Character)

LEAD CHARACTER (annoyed): What?!

MOTHER (O.S. from the kitchen): It’s your (inaudible word). He’s (another inaudible word).

LEAD CHARACTER turns the faucet off.

LEAD CHARACTER: What the fuck did you say?

MOTHER: It’s your grandfather. He died just this morning.

LEAD CHARACTER (ghost-white): Oh.

LEAD CHARACTER begins to feel depressed. He thinks of the times he’s yelled at his MOTHER for the very little things. And now he thinks about how his MOTHER lost her mother a few years back. And now it’s his MOTHER’S father. He believes his MOTHER can now be termed as an orphan.

LEAD CHARACTER steps out of the bathroom and takes a peek at his MOTHER in the living room. Her eyes are wet and red and her mouth, a heavy frown. LEAD CHARACTER feels the urge to hold his MOTHER, to tell her he loves her, and that he’s there for her, but he isn’t one who goes for the sentimental. So he stands from a distance and attempts a consoling smile, as if to apologize for yelling at her earlier.

His MOTHER sniffles and wipes away tears as she continues to talk on the phone, telling a close friend that her father just died.

"In Memory of Lolo Togo"
I remember you as the sweetest grandfather one could hope for.

Lead Character's Acceptance Speech

“Geez… this is just so unexpected. To win Outstanding Fictional Character on the Web is just… wow… I never dreamed of this. I don’t think anyone ever dreamed of this.

“Before anything else, I would like to congratulate Tina Fey for nabbing both awards in Acting and Writing. I guess I should thank you for being an inspiration to me, for always making me laugh, especially for your Sarah Palin impersonation, and for creating the character Liz Lemon, who eats as much as I do.

“I would also like to congratulate the Emmy voters for finally waking up to their senses and awarding ‘Mad Men’—one helluva exquisite show—with the Oustanding Drama Series trophy. I would like to question, though, why Michael Emerson didn’t nab the Supporting Actor award. When Alex (on ‘Lost’) was killed in front of Ben, I thought that Mr. Emerson delivered one fine performance that even deserved a lifetime achievement award. I also question why that ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ guy won Best Actor in a Drama. I didn’t even know a show such as ‘Breaking Bad’ exists. I really think the award should’ve gone to the consistently brilliant Hugh Laurie, or the intense Michael C. Hall, or the nuanced Jon Hamm. But, no, you had to award it to someone I don’t give a fig about—although that guy was OK during his ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ years.

“That being said, I’m still grateful for this award, even if there were no other nominees competing with me, and that you didn’t include this on the program earlier. It did hurt me a bit that the presenter that you chose for this award was Clay Aiken, as if you guys wanted to make a statement.

“Anywho, I would like to take this moment now to acknowledge Super Inday2x, a superheroine who will have her own segment on my show soon, and to my creator: the infamous and not-so-narcissistic ryeisdead, who’s still depressed over what’s been happening in their household.

“And last but not the least, I would like to thank… please, don’t play the music yet… wait… I’m not done yet… I would like to thank my agent—“

MICROPHONE OFF

SCREEN TO BLACK

Enemy's Lair, part 2

(Season One, Episode 04)

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside LEAD CHARACTER.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

From hereon, VIOLATOR 2 will be referred to as URINATOR.

VIOLATOR 1 leaves. URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER are then called over by MUSTACHED GUY.

MUSTACHED GUY: Here’s the thing. You have to pay Php500 within 7 days. If you don’t, the CESET Office will file a case against you.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER nod together. LEAD CHARACTER considers not paying. After all, he has a friend whose father is a lawyer. If they want war, they’ll get war. But then again, LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want the publicity. Perhaps his war should be fought in a more furtive manner.

MUSTACHED GUY: Now, all you need to do is pay Teller 3 then come back here to hand me the receipt.

URINATOR and LEAD CHARACTER hurry to the next building where Teller 3 is situated. On their way, LEAD CHARACTER grabs URINATOR'S arm.

URINATOR: What?

LEAD CHARACTER: I want to know where this is going….

URINATOR (cocking his head): What do you mean?

LEAD CHARACTER: I mean us. The question of ‘us.’ You can’t deny that we now have a connection.

URINATOR (taking a step backwards): You’re crazy.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head excitedly): No, I’m not. You don’t get it….

URINATOR: What don’t I get?

LEAD CHARACTER (overflowing with conviction): The City Hall is our enemy. It singled both of us out. We have to fight back. (He shakes URINATOR by the shoulders.) We have to destroy it before it destroys us! We have to fight this thing together!

URINATOR (shaking his head): I’m going to Teller 3. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t.

LEAD CHARACTER retreats to a nearby electrical post and sobs. It saddens him that he has no one to fight his battle with. He looks up, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. Looking at the shrinking figure of URINATOR as he walks away, LEAD CHARACTER heaves deep and promises to brave through his battles alone.

He lights a cigarette and tails URINATOR.

(Note: The original Multiply version is a lot longer. The creator has decided to cut this episode in half because there's nothing much in the original ending, anyway.)

Anorexia Nervosa in Bulgarian Bees

For 30 years now, The Bookseller, a British magazine, has been awarding books with the oddest book titles with the Diagram Prize. This year, for their 30th anniversary, they awarded 1978 winner Greek Rural Postment and Their Cancellation Numbers (edited by Derek Willan, 1995) with the "Diagram of Diagrams" Prize.

The other night, Christabelle, Debbie and I went through a list of odd book titles and we came up with a unanimous favorite: Anorexia Nervosa in Bulgarian Bees, n.d.

As for me, I have the following other favorites:

• Woodcarving with a Chainsaw; n.d.
• Knitting With Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You'll Never Meet, by Kendall Crolius; 2005 (St Martin's Griffin)
• Gymnastics for Horses; n.d.
• Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (various authors); 1978 (University of Tokyo Press) *Diagram Prize Winner!
• Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926
• Tea Bag Folding; 2001 (Search Press)
• Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970
• Proceedings of the 18th International Seaweed Symposium; 2006
• My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971
• Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment; 1887
• The Baby Jesus Touch and Feel Book, by Linda Parry, Alan Parry (Illustrator); 1995
• 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.d.
• Highlights in the History of Concrete, by Slough; 1998 (Cement & Concret Assoc.); *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Coming Disaster Worse Than the H-bomb, Astronomically, Geologically and Scientifically Proven. The Coal Beds, Ice Ages, Tides, and Coming Soon, a Great Wave and Flood Caused by a Shift of the Axis of the Earth From the Gyroscopic Action of Our Solar System; 1954. Washington, DC
• On Sledge and Horseback to Outcast Siberian Lepers, by Kate Marsden, Eric Newby; 2001
• Do-it-Yourself Coffins: For Pets and People, by Dale Power, Jeffrey B. Snyder; 1997
• People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves To Unsuspecting Bystanders and What To Do About It, by Gary Leon Hill; 2005 (Weiser Books); *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How to Pick Pockets. A Treatise on the Fundamental Principle, Theory and Practice of Picking Pockets; n.d.
• The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution, by Barbara Sherman Heyl; 1979; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• A Toddler's Guide to the Rubber Industry, by D. Lowe; n.d.
• The Benefits of Farting Explained; 1727
• Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention; 1912
• Scurvy Past and Present, by Alfred Hess; 1982
• Nasal Maintenance: Nursing Your Nose Through Troubled Times, by William Alan Stuart; 1983
• The Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Greater Creative Thinking, by Tom Mopnahan; 2002 (Wiley)
• Psoriasis at Your Fingertips; n.d.
• Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts, by Donald L. Wilson; 1984; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How To Become a Schizophrenic, by John Modrow; 1992
• What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter; 1982 (Grindle Press)
• How To Avoid Huge Ships, by John W. Trimmer; 1992; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• How To Write a How To Write Book; 2007
• Recollections of Squatting in Victoria; 1833
• I Was Hitler's Maid; 1953
• Wrestling for Gay Guys; 1994
• Lesbian Nuns, Breaking the Silence, by Rosemary Curb, Nancy Manahan; 1985
• Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual, by Pat Califia; 1989; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions; n.d.
• Jilling Off: Women's Masturbation Stories, by Rachel Bussel; 2001
• Hand Grenade Throwing as a College Sport; 1918
• Why Bring That Up? - A Guide to Seasickness, by JF Montague; 1936
• Games You Can Play With Your Pussy - Ira Alterman, Watertown, Mass.: Ivory Tower Pub. Co 1885
• The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling, by A.I.T. Sielikov, G. S. Nikitin & S. E. Rokotyan; 1982; *Diagram Prize Winner!
• The Romance of Leprosy; 1949
• The Romance of Proctology; 1938
• Better Never to Have Been: the Harm of Coming Into Existence, by David Benatar
• The Bright Side of Prison Life; 1897
• Not Worth Reading; 1914
• Reusing Old Graves, by Douglas Davies & Alistair Shaw; 1994; *Diagram Prize Winner!

For other book titles, click here.

Enemy's Lair, part 1

(Season One, Episode 03)

LEAD CHARACTER waits in line in the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) Office. He’s been there since six in the morning to apply for a passport for the first time. He never really intended applying for a passport, but it’s another pre-employment requirement from his current company that he hasn’t submitted yet. The other one is his TOR, which he doesn’t want to think about too much at the moment.

He feels stupid. He should have waited in line the day before, since it was a holiday in the city where his company is. But when he got to the DFA office at around ten in the morning, the security guard informed him they only give out priority numbers very early in the morning, so LEAD CHARACTER would have to come back way earlier the next day. So today, even if LEAD CHARACTER has work, he waits in line. After a couple text messages exchanged with his boss, he gets allowed to take the day off.

At around eleven, LEAD CHARACTER submits all of his forms, which have already been encoded, to the INFORMATION GIRL.

INFORMATION GIRL: You need to have your picture retaken.

LEAD CHARACTER: Huh?

INFORMATION GIRL: Your hair, it’s too close to the edge of the photo. We can’t accept this.

LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t feel like crying yet; just annoyed. He can’t understand why the DFA has to be strict on photo margins. It’s not his fault if he has a huge head with big hair. But he nods off and has his picture retaken at the DFA Multipurpose Cooperative. He suspects INFORMATION GIRL knows he didn’t have his picture taken at the DFA Coop, so he’s asked to have it retaken so the Coop can profit more from passport applicants. Government conspiracy? LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t even want to get into it yet.

His retaken picture worries him. He’s been awake since four in the morning. Naturally, he looks tired. But what comes out is not “tired.” He finds it odd that on the picture, his right eye looks a lot sleepier than his left eye. If his first picture has his hair too close to the edge, this one here now looks like he’s one of the NBI top ten most wanted. He submits the picture, anyway, and thankfully it gets accepted. He is asked to come back at one o’clock for the final step of the application: paying the cashier.

LEAD CHARACTER heads out for lunch but he’s worried that he’s already spent an extra Php150 for the photo retake. He is out of cash (like most days). So he goes to the nearest ATM (and by nearest, I mean countries away—it’s noontime; the sun is hot; any distance has to be multiplied by how hot the sun is). In the ATM vestibule, he finds a 100-peso bill lying on the floor. He looks around. No one is watching. There are certainly no cameras visible. So he nonchalantly withdraws cash (and by withdraw, I mean a Cash Advance transaction). After getting his cash, his receipt “accidentally” falls to the floor. He picks it up, devil-may-care, along with the 100-peso bill. He begins to feel weird. Upon stepping out of the ATM vestibule, he stands frozen. He looks around, unsure of what to do next. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he approaches the SECURITY GUARD.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Somebody left a 1oo-peso bill inside. (Waves the money in front of the guard.)

SECURITY GUARD (staring at the bill): Hmmm… I think I know who withdrew before you. He works just right around the corner.

LEAD CHARACTER: Mmmkay.

SECURITY GUARD: Maybe he’ll come back for that later.

LEAD CHARACTER: Of course. Here. (Hands SECURITY GUARD the money.)

SECURITY GUARD accepts.

LEAD CHARACTER walks away feeling half good and half bad. It feels good to be honest. He feels guilt-free. However, he also feels that he was being stupid. Hell, it was only a hundred pesos. If it were a million pesos, there’s no question he has to return it. But a hundred pesos? It’s just too certain no one will come back for it. He’s lost a 500-peso bill before but he never retraced his steps to look for it. He begins to hate himself for being too honest. It could have been free lunch from Fate. But the thing is, he doesn’t believe in Fate or Destiny. So he decides instead to treat himself a big lunch to cheer himself up.

He looks for the nearest KFC. KFC is his favorite fried chicken, especially the spicy ones. He also likes the color brown, and the TV show “Lost.” He also loves sipping tea alone, and smoking on a cold day. Those are a few of his favorite things. He remembers them when the dog bites. Their neighborhood dogs do bite and each time he passes by his neighbors’ houses, he shuts his eyes and wishes for the dogs to go away. But we digress.

So LEAD CHARACTER walks all around Osmeña Blvd. and Colon St. No KFC at all. By this time his shirt is dripping with sweat and he feels that he’s already sporting a tan. He decides to have Chowking instead. He orders spicy beef chao fan, siomai, siopao, and large Sprite. After the hearty meal, he goes outside for a cigarette. It’s a hot day, but he also loves smoking after eating. So he smokes. He’s switched to Marlboro Lights after a couple of years on Reds. His plan is to eventually quit smoking soon.

So he smokes and puffs and stares ahead—not just into the streets but into his future as well. He’s worried that he no longer has the drive to become anything, but he hopes that will change soon. He makes his last drag the longest and his most meaningful. Then he throws the butt into a puddle in front of him. There are already a number of cigarette butts there, anyway, not to mention an empty water bottle and a green mango seed. And then….

GUY IN YELLOW UNIFORM: Um, Sir…

LEAD CHARACTER turns around.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Naa biya ta’y City Ordinance, Sir. Dili man ta pwede molabay ug basura bisa’g asa. (Yellow Uniform starts to take out a ticket stub and a pen from his pocket.) Can I see your ID?

LEAD CHARACTER swallows a large gulp of saliva.

LEAD CHARACTER: Is this… um… are you… there’s a 500-peso fine?

YELLOW UNIFORM nods. LEAD CHARACTER hands him his ID. YELLOW UNIFORM then writes down LEAD CHARACTER'S name on the ticket.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Actually, there are three options for you. You can go there to the City Hall and say sorry, or you pay a fine of 500 pesos. Or if you can’t pay, just opt for CS.

LEAD CHARACTER: You mean Community Service? Or Caesarian?

LEAD CHARACTER cringes at the thought of being forced to give birth just for a City Ordinance violation.

YELLOW UNIFORM: Community Service, sir.

LEAD CHARACTER mulls this over. If he pays 500 pesos he doesn’t have to apologize? But if he chooses to apologize, he doesn’t have to pay? But if he can’t pay and doesn’t want to apologize, he can just render community service? LEAD CHARACTER asks YELLOW UNIFORM to clarify. YELLOW UNIFORM simply tells him it depends on what the people at the City Hall say. He is then directed to go to the City Hall, CESET Office. If he doesn’t go there within seven days, the CESET Office will file a case against him.

LEAD CHARACTER tries to consider his odds. He can not show up at all, then find a good lawyer. The problem is, he doesn’t know who would want to represent someone for simply throwing a cigarette butt.

JUDGE: How do you plead?
LEAD CHARACTER: Your Honor! Move to strike! Move to strike!
JUDGE: What for?
ATTORNEY: Your Honor, he means he’s guilty.
JUDGE: Fifteen years in prison!
LEAD CHARACTER: But… your Honor, I’m not ready. I need to lose weight. I can’t go to prison this unattractive….

So LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the ATM and withdraws cash again. His mind goes back to the hundred pesos. He shakes his head. It wouldn’t have made any difference. But if he did take the hundred pesos and if he were this believer in God, he would have felt it was punishment, his getting caught. But he isn’t a believer, and he never did take the hundred pesos, so all he can think really is everything is just random.

After waiting in line for another three hours at the DFA to complete the final step, he walks to the City Hall. This is another long walk that renders him almost unconscious. But so far LEAD CHARACTER has managed to steel himself both physically and emotionally.

There comes a time when the hero of the story ultimately has to enter the enemy’s lair and fight his first battle. This is the time now for LEAD CHARACTER. Finally, the conspiracy has a face, an office.

In the CESET Office, LEAD CHARACTER waits as another violator gets briefed by a MUSTACHED GUY. MUSTACHED GUY asks VIOLATOR 1 to sign a promissory note since he cannot pay yet. Just then VIOLATOR 2 enters and sits beside MUSTACHED GUY.

After a long period of silence….

VIOLATOR 2: What’s your violation?

LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel a stinging in his eye. He pressures himself mentally not to cry.

LEAD CHARACTER: Littering. I threw a cigarette butt outside Chowking. How about you?

VIOLATOR 2: Urinating in public.

LEAD CHARACTER tries not to laugh. His eyes to slowly drop to VIOLATOR 2’s crotch.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Urinating in public… interesting….

To be continued….

Brad Pitt's True Blood

An argument sparked online as to whether or not the new HBO skein “True Blood” is a metaphor for homosexuality. There are indeed parallels. In “True Blood,” vampires have “come out of the coffin” to be recognized as one with the human society. Since the Japanese made synthetic blood called TruBlood (which are available in bottles at the nearest supermarket!), vampires have become less of a threat to humans. Humans have begun to accept them. However, there are still those that don’t. Hence, Vampire Rights is being fought for. In the opening credits, there is even a shot of a sign that says “God Hates Fangs,” which, according to one IMDB user, you can just take out the “n” and you get… that’s right.

Some viewers say it’s not just about homosexuality but the minority in general. Maybe it really is all about the latter, but in any case, I still believe it depends on the viewer. I prefer watching “True Blood” as a metaphor for homosexuality, because it speaks more to me that way. I’m not really in the minority anyway since I’m from the Philippines and I’m poor. So I’m part of the economic majority in my country and WE KICK ASS!

Unfortunately, I am not hypnotized yet by the TV show itself. Two episodes into it and I’m still hoping I’d develop an obsession. The show is created by Allan Ball and I was a huge fan of “Six Feet Under” and American Beauty. I want another Allan Ball craze in my life. I’m hoping that in time, the show would really surface as a metaphor for homosexuality and it would show something enormously true and fresh and relevant. For now, the only relevant thing is Anna Paquin (who plays the heroine Sookie Stackhouse). Her performance here is just so brilliant I’m sure the Oscar voters back in 1993 are now rejoicing that they gave her the Oscar statuette for Best Supporting Actress when she was still a girl of mere eleven; they made the right decision after all (unlike having Crash win in 2006).

In other gay news (this time not of metaphorical material), Brad Pitt just donated $100,000 in support of same-sex marriage [click here to read full story]. I really like it when someone clear-headed fights for something that isn’t even really any of his/her concern as he/she isn’t even directly affected. Gay rights does not really affect Brad Pitt as a straight male, but I’m glad he recognizes his need to be affected as a fellow human being.

This gets me into wondering, though, if gay rights is ever being fought for here in the Philippines. I don’t even think any group out there is fighting to have same-sex marriage legalized. Maybe if Danton Remoto were to become Senator, maybe then. Sadly, the Ladlad party list wasn’t even recognized as legit. I read the Editor’s Note for the book “Ladlad 3” and I just wanted to throw things all over, including my one-year-old nephew.

Return of Merchandise

(Season One, Episode 02)

LEAD CHARACTER has returned home safely. Over a month has passed. On this one particular night, LEAD CHARACTER is nursing a hangover for having had almost four full glasses of bullfrogs the other night. Bullfrog is a great drink, but only if you have a glass. More than a glass usually spells inappropriate laughing at people with disabilities and sleeping for over four hours in an Internet Cafe. But that is another story. Tonight LEAD CHARACTER still feels a little bit drunk. He craves for spicy beef-flavored instant noodles with egg. So he goes out to the nearest sari-sari store (right next to his house).

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have spicy beef-flavored instant noodles?

SON OF VENDOR: Yes, we do, Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: I would like to buy one, please, Son of Vendor.

LEAD CHARACTER'S gaze shifts to the SON OF VENDOR'S father (which by default just makes him VENDOR). The VENDOR is old. He’s probably in his late fifties. He is wearing a sleeveless shirt and LEAD CHARACTER has a hard time deciding if the VENDOR'S arms are all muscles, or all bones wrapped in veins.

LEAD CHARACTER (cont’d): And one egg.

SON OF VENDOR goes on to get the noodles and egg. But…

SON OF VENDOR: I’m sorry but we’re out of spicy ones. Just plain beef.

LEAD CHARACTER considers this for a minute. He decides that it’s too tiring to go to another sari-sari store.

LEAD CHARACTER: It’s fine. Plain beef will do.

So LEAD CHARACTER gets the egg and the plain beef-flavored instant noodles and pays. He goes home and boils water. While waiting for the water to boil, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that he’s horny. He makes a mental note to masturbate later.

The water boils. LEAD CHARACTER gets a large bowl to beat the egg in. Upon breaking the egg, he finds that it’s bad. Real bad. It has blood.

LEAD CHARACTER looks up and tries to come up with a next plan of action. He knows the right thing to do is to return the egg and ask for another one. But LEAD CHARACTER is not exactly a force of nature. In fact, one has to wonder why he is even a lead character when he does not have a strong enough personality to go through life. He heaves and recalls all those times that he never asked for the 50-centavo change in his numerous jeepney rides to and from work. The jeepney fare is Php6.50. But somehow, drivers seem to think that LEAD CHARACTER is more than happy to pay his entire Php7.00 without asking for a change.

LEAD CHARACTER gathers himself together and goes back to the sari-sari store with the bowl of bloody egg.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi. Can I have this egg exchanged with a fresh one? It’s bad. (Shows the bowl.)

SON OF VENDOR looks to his father, questioning.

VENDOR (to LEAD CHARACTER): I’m sorry. We have a no-return policy.

LEAD CHARACTER is taken aback.

LEAD CHARACTER: But the egg you just sold me is bad. It has blood. Look. (Tilts the bowl further so it’s visible to the veiny-armed Vendor.)

VENDOR (shaking his head, smiling smugly): I’m sorry, we can’t accept that. We
ourselves cannot return it to the store we bought it from.

LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying.

LEAD CHARACTER: But it’s not my fault your egg is bad.

VENDOR: I’m sorry, kid. But it’s just not possible.

LEAD CHARACTER continues to hold back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER (bowing his head low): OK.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back home, his breathing by this time a lot heavier than on ordinary days. He hurls the bowl of bad egg towards the wall. His MOTHER jolts up from watching TV.

MOTHER: What’s wrong?

LEAD CHARACTER (sobbing): They won’t replace the egg. (Now yelling) They won’t replace the goddamn egg!

LEAD CHARACTER starts throwing things away: their 30-inch flat-screen TV, their printer-copier-scanner-in-one, monobloc chairs….

MOTHER: Calm down, hijo! Calm down!

LEAD CHARACTER'S mother pins him down to the floor.

LEAD CHARACTER: Get off of me! He’s not replacing the egg!

It dawns on LEAD CHARACTER that all of this is probably some big government conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Return of Merchandise Office. Come to think of it, what happened to him at the medical center may have been another conspiracy that goes all the way up to the City Hall, Medical Exam Office.

MOTHER (whispering in LEAD CHARACTER'S ear): Hush now, child. It’s all going to be OK.

LEAD CHARACTER'S heaving slows and lightens.

LEAD CHARACTER (voice-over): Yes, it’s all going to be OK. I’m going to have my revenge. Not to the Vendor, not to the medical receptionist who thought I was thirty-five years old, but to the government. The government is going to pay.

Screen blackens.

Moral of the story: The customer is always right, but sometimes hurt.

See you all next time!

Fringe

A lot of X-Philes claim that Fringe is nothing but an X-Files rip-off. And they immediately dismiss the show as lousy.

I saw the pilot episode over the weekend, and though the premise can be likened to The X-Files (in that it involves the FBI solving cases involving the paranormal), it also has a mix of Alias (for all the fast-paced action), and Lost (for an elaborate mythology yet to be uncovered). And the result, for me, is just breathtaking. This isn’t saying that this new TV show is better than The X-Files (an obsolete thing that the X-Philes have to get over soon) or Alias or Lost (still the best show ever). This is just saying that for me, Fringe is good enough all by itself.

Fringe refers to “fringe science,” an area of science that deals with things like mind control, teleportation, invisibility, and reanimation—it’s fringe, after all—and the likes. The show’s myth hasn’t been elaborated on yet, but here are a few events cited in the story:

• John Thompson, a normal kid, went missing back in ‘98, reappeared last month halfway around the world—hadn’t aged a day.
• In the past few months, 46 other children who went missing that same year turn up—same story.
• A local fisherman off the coast of Sri Lanka reports a low-flying plane emitting a high-pitched frequency that blows out all their windows. An hour later, same spot, an 8.7 subsurface earthquake creates a tsunami that kills 83,000 people.
• A patient in Lisbon who woke up after years in a coma began writing—just numbers. They turn out to be exact real-time coordinates of the U.S. air-carrier battle groups in the Pacific, intel that’s classified as above Top Secret.

These events are called “the Pattern, as if someone out there is experimenting, only the whole world is the lab.” I have to admit, because of Lost (and probably because of Harry Potter), I have developed a taste for highly elaborate mythology that I will have to be patient for to get to the bottom of (I have to wait until 2010 to get to the bottom of Lost, goddamn you). “Fringe” might just be another one of those delightful treats.

The pilot episode introduces us to FBI agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv), who gets tasked to investigate a possible terrorist attack. Her investigation leads her to needing the expertise of mad scientist Walter Bishop (John Noble). But to get to the doctor, Olivia has to blackmail Walter’s son, Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson), who happens to be another genius but doesn’t quite care enough in life to live in order (read: gambling debt). I admit that doesn’t sound a lot, but that was a three-sentence synopsis. The episode is an hour and twenty minutes long, like the length of a simple movie. But Fringe isn’t a simple movie; it’s a TV show whose pilot has an estimated budget of $10 million dollars, and that’s not bad at all.

As for the performances, Anna Torv does quite a decent job. But it’s probably because she looks like a cross between Cate Blanchett and Naomi Watts, and her acting is like Ellen Pompeo’s, but with more heart. John Noble, though, is quite exceptional as the mad scientist. I can imagine him going head-to-head with Michael Emerson in next year’s Emmys. As for Joshua Jackson… well, I guess he’s one of those actors whose acting doesn’t change despite the character he/she is playing (like Milo Ventimiglia and Kris Aquino). But his eyes… there’s something about Joshua Jackon’s eyes that makes you want him to just stare at you. Maybe his eyes are a part of the mythology that’s why he was cast.

Medical Exam: A Horror Story

(Season One, Episode 01)

Our LEAD CHARACTER enters the clinic with an 8.5x11 bond paper. It has a medical endorsement form printed on it. It’s 1:25PM, but thankfully it isn’t your usual hot summer day so sweat isn’t seeping through the underarms of his shirt yet.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, I was endorsed by HugeHands Entertainment for a medical exam….

RECEPTIONIST: Your name is?

LEAD CHARACTER: My name is Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER: (checks list) Oh, yeah. Lead Character. There you are, from HugeHands Entertainment, right?

LEAD CHARACTER nods.

RECEPTIONIST: How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: (nonchalantly) OK…. I’ll endorse you to our Medical Technologist and she’ll take it from there.

LEAD CHARACTER is endorsed to the MEDICAL TECHNOLOGIST.

MEDTECH: Hi, Lead Character, right? How old are you?

LEAD CHARACTER: Twenty-five.

MEDTECH nods and jots down notes. She draws blood from LEAD CHARACTER. LEAD CHARACTER studies her face closely. She looks so damn familiar.

MEDTECH then hands LEAD CHARACTER two plastic cups with the label: Lead Character, 25M, HugeHands Entertainment.

MEDTECH: Sir, one cup is for your urine sample, the other is for your stool. For the urine, just get what’s in between.

Questioning look from LEAD CHARACTER.

MEDTECH: What I mean, sir, is disregard the first drops of pee as well as the last one. And make sure your urine goes up to here. (MEDTECH marks the cup with a pen.)

LEAD CHARACTER: Got it.

MEDTECH: As for your stool, sir, peanut-size will do.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. But deep inside he’s worried as his stool is usually arm-size.

LEAD CHARACTER: (to himself) I can do this.

He gets the cups from MEDTECH and goes straight to the john. There’s no tissue. LEAD CHARACTER wonders if they expect him to wash his ass later on the sink. He goes out and back to MEDTECH'S lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Hi, do you have tissue?

MEDTECH: They have at the reception.

LEAD CHARACTER goes straight to the reception area. The entire cast with non-speaking roles is there: sullen mother, effing hot daddy dreadlocks, sick toddler, aunt-looking woman, grandmother-looking lady, and aunt-looking gentleman.

LEAD CHARACTER: Do you have tissue?

A GUY IN UNIFORM WITH AN OBSCURE JOB hands LEAD CHARACTER a tissue. LEAD CHARACTER accepts promptly. As he is about to leave….

RECEPTIONIST: Thirty-five to, Sir, noh? Imong age?

LEAD CHARACTER (aghast): Di oi! Two. Five. Twenty-five.

RECEPTIONIST: Ay sorry.

The entire cast choruses in laughter.

LEAD CHARACTER goes back to the john and pees accordingly to MEDTECH'S rule. For the stool sample, it takes him quite some time. He places the cup as best as he can directly below his anus and holds his breath.

One, two three….

He checks the cup. Nothing.

One more time…. One, two….

Still nothing in the cup. His forehead is already dripping with beads of sweat. He berates himself for having taken a dump already that morning.

One last try….

There. Not exactly peanut-size, but he’s sure MEDTECH has nothing against almonds.
He sanitizes himself then goes back to MEDTECH'S lab. He places the cups on the designated tray.

MEDTECH: You’re done?

LEAD CHARACTER nods. He stares at MEDTECH'S face again. She does look so familiar.

MEDTECH: OK, tell Receptionist you’re done and they’ll assist you with the X-Ray.

LEAD CHARACTER goes to RECEPTIONIST and tells her that he’s done.

RECEPTIONIST: OK, Sir, Guy in Uniform With an Obscure Job will take you to the X-Ray lab. After they’ve taken your X-Ray, you can go home. We’ll just endorse the results to HugeHands.

LEAD CHARACTER: OK, thank you.

OBSCURE GUY: Sir, just follow me.

As LEAD CHARACTER and OBSCURE GUY are about to leave…

RECEPTIONIST (full volume): Sir, twenty-five jud ka noh?

LEAD CHARACTER nods and imagines feeding RECEPTIONIST with his almond-sized stool sample. Outside, he follows OBSCURE GUY. After several minutes, LEAD CHARACTER realizes that they’re still not at the X-Ray lab.

LEAD CHARACTER: Where’s the X-Ray lab?

OBSCURE GUY: We have to ride a jeepney, sir. It’s near the City Hall.

LEAD CHARACTER holds back his tears.

LEAD CHARACTER: I don’t know where the City Hall is. I’m not from here.

OBSCURE GUY: It’s OK. I’ve taken expats there before.

LEAD CHARACTER nods. After a long period of silence….

LEAD CHARACTER: That MedTech girl, what’s her name?

OBSCURE GUY: Her? It’s [I forget what he said].

LEAD CHARACTER: OK… her last name?

OBSCURE GUY: Ducay.

LEAD CHARACTER (dawn of realization): Ah! She’s a former classmate’s sister.

After one jeepney ride, they get to the X-Ray lab. LEAD CHARACTER no longer knows whichever part of the city they are and how to get home. OBSCURE GUY chats with the X-RAY RECEPTIONIST as Lead Character gets called on to have his X-Ray taken. He takes a deep heave and he imagines the insides of his smoker lungs get taken a snapshot of. Maybe he won’t get the job after all. Maybe once the medical results are in, HugeHands Entertainment will realize from the X-Ray that he has thirty-year-old lungs and he’ll get disqualified for lying, for telling them he’s ten years younger. Then when he gets home he’ll confront his parents and they’ll tell him that he really is thirty-five years old, that RECEPTIONIST isn’t mistaken.

X-RAY TAKER: Sir, it’s done. You can put your shirt back on.

LEAD CHARACTER: Thank you.

LEAD CHARACTER says ‘thank you’ a lot as he is naïve that way. He grabs his shirt then puts it back on. Outside, OBSCURE GUY is nowhere to be found. He asks X-RAY RECEPTIONIST where OBSCURE GUY is and it turns out he’s already gone, deserting our dear LEAD CHARACTER in the middle of nowhere.

With tears flowing from his eyes, LEAD CHARACTER raises his hands to his head and kneels on the floor. And in a scream that seems to resonate like the Ten Commandments, LEAD CHARACTER curses the heavens.

I’M ALL ALOOONE!!!

Witnesses of what has transpired describe the events as a deeply moving outpouring of emotions from a misunderstood forty-five-year old.

Who Is Lead Character?

Lead Character is an ageless underachiever in dire need of an epiphany. His semi-fictional life was first chronicled when he turned twenty-two. However, the first official episode (the Pilot, so to speak), which takes place when Lead Character is already twenty-five years old, was launched on April 26th, 2008 in a Multiply.com blog. The episode received generally good reviews and the ratings were decent enough for a followup episode.

On September 14th, 2008, after losing Php300 in the casino, the creator of The Lead Character Chronicles decided to give the show its own portal. Hence this site. At the inception of this separate and dedicated portal for The Lead Character Chronicles, three episodes (excluding the previously mentioned "turning twenty-two" episode) have already appeared, the third one being a two-parter. Those three previous episodes will be reposted here to officially launch The Lead Character Chronicles, a blog-slash-TV series that critics claim to be a genre on its own.