The Hehe Complex

Because of my overwhelming need to be liked by everyone, I have developed the hehe complex. This isn’t that huge of a deal. I consulted a future-doctor friend who suffers from the same neuropsychiatric disorder and she does not think that it’s anything to be alarmed about. For one, despite this being a relatively new disorder, it’s pretty prevalent among those who text, blog, blog-hop, and instant message. Another, there aren’t any available medications for this condition yet, perhaps because this hasn’t been proven to be harmful to other people. At least not yet.

I do not remember exactly when I started to develop the hehe complex. I just realized earlier today that I’ve been suffering from this condition for as long as I can remember. My doctor friend shared how worried she was that when she apologized to someone over SMS, she ended her text with a “hehe,” which, for her, was inappropriate. How could that other person have possibly taken her apology when she wrote “I’m sorry. Hehe.”?

This made me realize that I add “hehe” on almost every text and instant message that I send, and I got into thinking that this is so because I wanted to be liked, and missing to add “hehe” would seem that I was mad at, or worse, bored by, that other person.

“Hehe,” as we already know, translates to a chuckle. Most of the time, it’s a nervous chuckle. Other times, it’s just a polite one. Mine are mostly polite hehes. Sometimes, they’re nervous, but only subtly, much like when I go: “Are you top or bottom? Hehe.”

Other hehe people—or in medical terms, hehe retards—have their own ways of using the “hehe.” There are those that use “hehe” to confess something, but want a preemptive loophole to take it back in case the truth is not taken lightly.

“No, Ma, I only tried pot once. I’m really more into meth. Hehe.”

The “hehe” in the aforementioned sentence is pretty much the same “hehe” used in the following:

“Yes, we’ve been friends for years, and you’re in love with her. But dammit, I want you. I love you. Each day is like torture knowing you aren’t mine. Hehe.”

If you really think about it, this is actually a self-preserving condition in which the person with the disorder enables him/herself to save face. The bad news, though, is that if left unnoticed, the hehe complex may soon evolve into the haha complex, which is a much more involved psychiatric condition that needs treatment fast.

“I’m very sorry for your loss. Your sister was an exceptional person. Haha.”

To date, no studies have been conducted yet about the hehe complex. Please consider this as an open letter to men of science to finally take notice of this condition. Hehe.

(OMG! That was such a predictable ending!)

P.S. Next week’s topic will be the OMG complex.

Grammar Weekly - Toward or Towards? That Is the Question....

This segment shouldn't be called Grammar Weekly anymore, but rather, Grammar Sporadically. But because I don't really care what's right or wrong, I'm sticking with Grammar Weekly as it's more promising of something sooner, rather than something uncertain.

So our problem for this week is the use of toward and towards. When do we use one and when do we use the other? The answer is: it's still a mystery. There haven't been any concrete and self-confident claims regarding the usage of both words. But popular opinion maintains that toward is more American English, whilst towards is more British English.

Since we're in the Philippines, just use towards when speaking with an American so you can seem more foreign than necessary.

Until the next sporadic episode!

xoxo
Lead Character

One of the many sources looked up online:
http://tenser.typepad.com/tenser_said_the_tensor/2004/05/toward_and_towa.html

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

In India’s version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Jamal Malik (Dev Patel of the first two seasons of UK’s “Skins”), an uneducated 18-year-old, goes as far as one question away from winning 20 million rupees. At the opening scene of the movie, we are poised with the question: How did he do it?

A. He cheated.
B. He’s lucky.
C. He’s a genius.
D. It is written.

By the end of the movie, the answer will be revealed.

Slumdog Millionaire is yet another brilliant directorial work by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Trainspotting, The Beach). Based on the novel “Q&A” by Vikas Swarup, the story starts with Jamal being questioned by the police regarding his easy climb towards becoming a multimillionaire. Jamal goes on to describe how every question is related to events in his life, which mostly involve his hard-hitting brother and the love of his life. The story effectively builds up to an intense climax where viewers all over India freeze in front of televisions everywhere (like a Manny Pacquiao boxing tournament for Filipinos), anticipating Jamal’s win, with the one last question which, albeit relevant to him when he was young, he does not know the answer of at all. His only resolution: Call a friend. And in another intense sequence, the person who answers the call gives him the best answer to the one life-long question that had been kept unanswered until that night—and only in a matter of 30 seconds (the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire rule).

I do not wish to give everything away, but the movie ends like a breath of fresh air. Sure, all the feel-good elements are there, but it still has the Danny Boyle touch. It has every chance at becoming a cliché, but it does not go there.

Slumdog Millionaire is probably the best movie I’ve seen this year (not counting of course that black-and-white classics that I’m getting myself acquainted with). This movie just makes you want hug the person you’re watching with and greet him/her a Happy New Year, regardless of what time of the year you watched it. Hell, I watched the movie days ago with my sister, and since I’m not the loving big brother type, I just smiled at her. Hence, I’m making up for it in this quasi-review.

Hugs, everyone! And Happy New Year!

Slumdog Millionaire. Directed by Danny Boyle. Co-director, India: Loveleen Tandan. Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy, based on the novel by Vikas Swarup. Starring: Dev Patel, Freida Pinto, Madhur Mittal, et al.

Photo taken from IMDB.com

Lead Character Learns How to Cook

(Season One, Episode 08)

Before today, LEAD CHARACTER has never cooked anything real, unless you count scrambled eggs and instant noodles with egg real. (Hmmm... in a way, LEAD CHARACTER has a fascination with eggs.) LEAD CHARACTER has always wanted to learn how to cook something real, or something that takes more than 15 minutes to cook. He asked his MOTHER before if she could teach him her own treatment of Estufado, but they both never had the time.

But since it's a long Christmas vacation, LEAD CHARACTER figures that this might be the perfect time to learn how to cook. So he searches online for a recipe of your traditional, everyday pancakes, after which he goes to the grocery store to buy the ingredients.

Half-way through his cooking, LEAD CHARACTER starts to feel exhausted. But he pushes on. This has got to be a feat that anyone can manage.

Finally, he produces his very first pancake.


And soon enough, he finishes one complete with butter and maple syrup. Both his MOTHER and FATHER taste it. They smirk at LEAD CHARACTER then proceed to watching the evening news. Yes, LEAD CHARACTER cooked the pancakes at dusk. And whatever his parents' smirk meant, LEAD CHARACTER will never know.
Tomorrow, LEAD CHARACTER will try cooking Seared Ostrich Filet with Heirloom Tomato Risotto and Abalone Reduction. But if it turns out his company no longer has the ostriches in their cages, he will try instead cooking Sweet Black Chicken and Salty Geoduck nestled with Quinoa and Two Cucumber Ribbons.
Happy New Year everyone!

Sheer Torture

Waiting for the next season.

Grammar Weekly - Quotation Marks

While on a cab, Lead Character and his friends engaged in an argument regarding proper punctuation when quotation marks are involved. The argument was inspired by an email trail started by Lead Character's Canada-based friend DropDeadGorgeous, who inquired about the particular subject matter. Lead Character and his friends never did find closure for their argument, because his friends didn't believe him when he said that periods are always inside quotation marks, even with a novel to back him up. Now armed with references, Lead Character would like to impart the following facts:

Commas and periods are always inside quotation marks, no matter how logic dictates it.

"Dirty Sexy Money," "Fringe," "True Blood," and "Gossip Girl" are a few of the TV shows that Lead Character enjoys watching these days.

"I regret always coming in late for my Stat 102 classes," Lead Character said.

Lead Character is currently training himself to be "vegetarian."

Question marks and exclamation points are placed as per logic.

Is Lead Character serious about his ambition to turn "vegetarian"?

It can't be! He's a frickin' "carnivore"!

Please note that these rules are American English. If you want to write the British-English way, that's your problem.

References:
"Elements of Style," by William Strunk and E.B. White
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
http://www.whitesmoke.com/punctuation-quotation-marks-titles-conventions.html

Chopping Green Tomatoes

(Season One, Episode 07)

It’s almost noon and LEAD CHARACTER can see an ice cream vendor outside the window blowing the horns out of his bicycle-driven drum of ice cream. LEAD CHARACTER recoils at the noise. His head is pounding, his mouth dry, and his ass sore (though in a good way). He chugs on a bottle of water to quench his gargantuan (hehe, gargantuan) thirst. Then the young man with a FLAT STOMACH enters the room.

FLAT STOMACH: My boardmates are still in the sala. Do you mind waiting for a coupla more minutes?

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head weakly): It’s fine. Just let me know when it’s OK to go outside because I really need to use your communal bathroom. My bladder is about to explode.

Yes, aside from the headache and the thirst and the ass-soreness, LEAD CHARACTER has been holding his pee for almost two hours. The previous night had been too irresponsible for him to recover from; bottles of Red Horse paraded like ants in his midst.

FLAT STOMACH then sits on the bed behind LEAD CHARACTER and spoons him.

FLAT STOMACH: I want a boyfriend. Will you be my boyfriend?

LEAD CHARACTER, out of politeness, giggles.

LEAD CHARACTER: That won’t be right. We don’t even know each other.

FLAT STOMACH: Why? Don’t you want a boyfriend? I want a boyfriend. I want someone to talk to.

LEAD CHARACTER: Why? Don’t you talk to your friends?

FLAT STOMACH: But I can’t hug my friends like this… (hugs Lead Character tight). And I can’t kiss them like this… (kisses Lead Character’s nape)

LEAD CHARACTER stops himself from gagging.

LEAD CHARACTER: Sorry. Relationships aren’t my thing.

FLAT STOMACH: Will you find me a boyfriend then?

LEAD CHARACTER (mental voice-over): Sure. In return, find me a beating heart for myself.

At this point, because of his own mental voice-over, LEAD CHARACTER gags. He holds the vomit from exploding out of his mouth then swallows it.

LEAD CHARACTER: Look, I really need to go.

So FLAT STOMACH heads back out of the room. In a few moments, he comes back and tells LEAD CHARACTER that it’s already safe to leave.

They sneak out of FLAT STOMACH’S boarding house after LEAD CHARACTER has peed a bucketful in the bathroom. Before hopping on a jeepney, FLAT STOMACH asks for his number. LEAD CHARACTER doesn’t want to give it, but he reconsiders “why the hell not” since he likes FLAT STOMACH’s flat stomach. It’s something that he doesn’t have.

LEAD CHARACTER sleeps the jeepney ride off from the one-hour-away-from-Ayala area to Ayala. After an hour, he arrives at Ayala. He then heads straight to the jeepney terminal where he realizes that he’s too hungry to get on another jeepney. So he goes to the Shawarma stand.

LEAD CHARACTER: One Shawarma, please. (Extends his one-hundred peso bill.)

SHAWARMA VENDOR: Do you have a smaller bill? I just started my day. I don’t have change for that.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaking his head): No, I only have this amount. I wish to god Shiva that I had the exact amount of twenty-five pesos, but I don’t.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then shrugs his shoulder and proceeds to chopping green tomatoes. LEAD CHARACTER is appalled. He waits for SHAWARMA VENDOR to turn back to him to make him his Shawarma, and perhaps do the initiative of asking for change from the next stall, but SHAWARMA VENDOR doesn’t. A GUY then comes to buy Shawarma. The guy hands SHAWARMA VENDOR a twenty-peso bill and a five-peso coin. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for the GUY.

LEAD CHARACTER: How about mine?

SHAWARMA VENDOR: I still have no change for your hundred pesos.

SHAWARMA VENDOR then turns his back again at LEAD CHARACTER and continues chopping them green tomatoes.

Two middle-aged LADIES then come by to buy two Shawarmas. SHAWARMA VENDOR promptly makes Shawarma for them. At this point, LEAD CHARACTER feels like crying. He makes a mental note to call Persian Palate to report the asshole.

LEAD CHARACTER (shaky voice): So I’m guessing you’ll have change after this?

SHAWARMA VENDOR simply looks LEAD CHARACTER in the eye then goes back to preparing Shawarma for the two middle-aged LADIES.

LEAD CHARACTER plans to go ahead and order Shawarma anyway but then leave after SHAWARMA VENDOR has made it. He also considers just leaving, because his head is pounding and he’s thirsty again. But then, in an act of desperation, for not knowing how exactly to hurt SHAWARMA VENDOR the way SHAWARMA VENDOR has hurt his feelings, LEAD CHARACTER squeezes the middle-aged ladies’ breasts then runs away.

The End

Were They Serious?

Angelica Panganiban's character (AP): Blood is thicker than canal water.

Claudine Baretto's character (CB): Blood may be thicker than water, pero sino naman ang may gusto ng infected blood... blood na infected ng HIV virus.

AP: Good luck, bitch.

CB: May the best bitch win.

Seriously! I'm not kidding! Something like that was exchanged on TV. I had to stay up late cleaning up puke on the floor.

(Photo taken from http://iisapalamangseries.blogspot.com/.)

Lead Character’s Top Ten Favorite TV Quotes

This list does not necessarily reflect literary genius or life-changing profundity; just the power with which the lines were delivered relative to the characters who said them and the characters they said them to and the situations the characters were in. To put this more bluntly, this is really just about how much they had an effect on Lead Character.

10
“Destiny is a fickle bitch.”
- Ben Linus to John Locke, Lost

9
“So the thumpa thumpa continues. It always will. No matter what happens. No matter who is President. As our Lady of Disco, the divine Ms Gloria Gaynor has sung to us: We will survive.”
- Michael Novotny, Queer as Folk

8
“Hi, um, Scotty, it’s-it’s Kevin, your least favorite Martian. Look, I’ve been on your planet for 34 years and I still get a lot of things wrong like about, um, money and work and people and life and love. Everything. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I think you’re amazing and funny and cute as hell and I just hope that someday, I don’t know, maybe three Martian years from now because our years are longer than yours, maybe I could be worthy of your human love and respect, whether we’re together or not.”
- Kevin Walker to Scotty Wandell (over the phone), Brothers & Sisters

7
“The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.”
- Ally McBeal, Ally McBeal

6
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she’s really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."
- Meredith Grey to Derek Shepherd, Grey’s Anatomy

5
“I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me... Spanning years and continents, lives ruined, bloodshed... Epic!... But summer's almost here and we won't see each other again. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over. I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over... Noone writes songs about the ones that come easy.”
- Logan Echolls to Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars

4
“The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts.”
- Don Draper to Rachel Menken, Mad Men

3
“When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”
- Spike to Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

2
"I just wanna reach over and... But I also want to do nothing, because I wanna make sure I know you for as long as I can without fucking it up... which is, like, my special superpower. That's why I don't want to touch you. That's pretty much verbatim, moment for moment, what I was thinking when I was looking at you with the weirdness. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable. You'll never be able to see yourself the way other people see you. The way I see you. Which is a shame. Because you are... I really think you have no idea how beautiful you are."
- Billy Chenowith to Claire Fisher, Six Feet Under

1
“I, Ross, take thee Rachel.”
- Ross Gellar, Friends

Turning 22

(Note from the creator: This is the "pre-air" episode—then of short film "format"—of The Lead Character Chronicles—the one that started it all. Since we're out of new episodes, I guess a repost will do for now.)

This motion picture has been modified from its original version to fit the screen.

9 AM. Our lead character reads a good three pages of Frank McCourt’s “Angela’s Ashes” before he empties his cup of chocolate sundae. He’s had breakfast twice at home, but he decided nonetheless to drop by a nearby Jollibee branch to order an upsized ‘value meal’ and a chocolate sundae. After his sacrilegious third breakfast, he goes to a nearby barbershop to vacillate between getting his head shaved again and getting no haircut at all. He wants to grow his hair long, as he’s done three times before, but at the same time he does not like how his hair has presently grown.

Our lead character decides to get a normal haircut. The normal haircut turns out to be devastating on the back portion. He does not know that until he meets up with a friend a couple of hours later.

A couple of hours later, he meets up with Braille, a friend. He owes Braille some money, which is why they have to meet up. Our lead character and Braille hang out at Ecila, an outdoor restobar (I believe) with a quasi-Parisian feel at Ayala. Its patio faces Starbucks so whatever Parisian feel it has dissolves after a split second. He orders a bottle of San Mig Light and she orders shake. They chat while he smokes about five sticks of Dunhill cigarettes. Our lead character usually enjoys a pack of Dunhill cigarettes every payday. After that pack, he switches back to Marlboro reds.

1 PM. Another friend arrives: Vanessa. Vanessa tells our lead character that his haircut is devastating on the back portion. Our lead character makes a mental note to have his haircut redone the next day. Braille then leaves the two to meet up with her boyfriend.

At this point, our lead character shares that he does not know whether or not he should host some sort of birthday party that night. His birthday is the next day yet, but that night is the only feasible night for him to host some sort of party. He calls up his friend Timothy to check if he could join them that evening. Timothy cannot as he has to defend his thesis the next day. Our lead character tries contacting his other friends. Only two of them can make it—Debbie and Hope. Kristine has work so he does not bother contacting her. Kenneth cannot be contacted. Joy does not answer any of his calls. And Cecil and Mae have some errands to run.

Nonetheless, our lead character decides to host a tiny party that night for the benefit of Vanessa. There is a possibility that Jefferson, a boy that Vanessa was infatuated with, may be able to join.

2 PM. An officemate by the name of Analyn drops by to hand our lead character some money. The money is owed to him by another officemate. Our lead character asks Analyn who else are with her. She says the rest of the sweepers* and that their plan is to have lunch at Big Mao. He tells her that maybe he’ll drop by in a little while to say hello.

2.30 PM. Our lead character orders another bottle of San Mig Light. Two other officemates drop by. First is Cyndee, who is on her way to a job interview. Second is Carina, whose name our lead character forgets. Vanessa takes the liberty to re-introduce our lead character to Carina. After the re-introduction, Carina lingers in their company to chat nonstop.

3 PM. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character decide to have lunch. As our lead character promised, he drops by Big Mao to say hello to the sweepers. Big Mao is a Chinese restaurant with an oddly Korean feel to it. Vanessa and Carina follow suit and they decide to just have their lunch there. They order some bacon wrapped treasures and siomai and Yangchow rice (I think). After a few minutes, Cyndee arrives from her job interview and orders another dish—crispy pancit canton. Our character gets so full that he feels like throwing up. After lunch, our lead character, Vanessa, Carina, and Cyndee walk around the mall. Cyndee decides to have her picture taken at Picture City. Vanessa, Carina, and our lead character stop by Penshoppe where our lead character mistakes the fabric steamer for a vacuum cleaner.

Left with no other place to go to, they go back to Ecila. They wait for Debbie and Hope to arrive before heading off to LUVU2, formerly known as U2. A lot of things happen while they wait at Ecila. Firstly, they chat. Secondly, Vanessa orders a slice of carrot cake. Thirdly, Joy confirms that she will be catching up with them whilst they nibble on the carrot cake that Vanessa ordered. Lastly, Carina goes home to drop some things off then comes back.

Debbie and Hope then arrive. Debbie tells our lead character that she likes his haircut. When she sees the back portion, she says, “Except for that.”

Debbie and Hope then leave for a while to have dinner. Cyndee, Vanessa, and our lead character start taking pictures using our lead character’s camera phone. It is not exactly our lead character’s camera phone. He considers the keypad his, but the rest of the phone is owned for now by the credit card company.

9 PM. Our lead character, Vanessa, Debbie, Hope, Cyndee, and Carina arrive at LUVU2. It is a videoke bar with a normal videoke bar feel to it. Our lead character is disappointed that not all of his close friends are there. He aches for a time in history when he and the rest of his close friends could hang out anytime they wanted to. He starts yearning for that particular level of laughter only he and his close friends share. He starts the evening by singing ‘King of Pain’ by Sting because our lead character is melodramatic that way.

10 PM. Joy arrives and helps out Vanessa and our lead character sing ‘Quit Playing Games’ by the Backstreet Boys.

10.07 PM. Jefferson sends Vanessa a text message saying that he cannot make it.

10.11 PM. Our lead character thinks that it has been a long time since he has written a poem.

10.30 PM. Bien arrives. He is another officemate. In reality, he is a former officemate. Just like Cyndee. Bien and Cyndee just resigned but our lead character is still in denial.

As a birthday gift, our lead character requests each of his friends to sing a birthday song for him. Debbie, with her soulful voice, sings ‘Uninvited’ by Alanis Morissette. Joy sings ‘I Don’t Want to Wait’ by Paula Cole much like Paula Cole does, but with a touch of Air Supply. Vanessa, in her own Indie rock rendition, sings “I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ by Whitney Houston. Bien, because he can sing the song very well, sings ‘I’ll Be Over You’ by Toto.

As initiated by Carina, our lead character then closes his eyes while Carina lights up two lighters in front of him. Our lead character makes a wish. He is spiteful because it is supposedly an unimportant wish but he cannot help prioritizing it. Our lead character opens his eyes and blows the two lit lighters.

10:55 PM. Debbie hurries to the office as she has work at 11.00 PM. Our lead character feels bad that he may be causing her to come in late. He does not want her to be late. Tardiness has caused his life a lot of hell and he wants to have Debbie stay unmarred by the type of hell he’s suffered.

11.30 PM. Our lead character says to himself, “I should have been dead by now, I should have been dead by now....”

12.00 MN. Our lead character, according to the calendar, has turned 22. He realizes that a lot of things are too overdue for him to be thankful he’s lived another year. To close the evening, he sings ‘Be My Number 2’ by Joe Jackson for no particular reason. He pays the bill and asks his friends if he should tip the waitress, who remains standing behind him after giving him the change. His friends say don’t. Our lead character wonders why he has to ask his friends whether or not he should tip the waitress when he himself is against tipping.

End.

* Sweepers is the term used for call center agents who work at “day’s end.” They are the ones that are required to answer all the calls on queue before the bridge is closed so no more calls will get to their site.