Lazarus

Lead Character is back. You probably thought he's long dead, and perhaps that's been the case. But now he's been resurrected.

The sad thing, though, is that you might think he's bigger than ever. But no. He's about the same size as before. He just hopes to be prolific this time.

And to celebrate his return, he would like to tell a rape joke. If rape jokes offend you, then please stop reading right about HERE. Leave! Close the browser! Do not read past this sentence.

The title of this joke is:

"Casting for a Movie That Features Rape"

A producer and his director are holding an audition for the role of a rapist in a hopefully sexy enough flick that it would be a box office hit. Because of what is required of the role, they have some trouble finding the right actor. Three struggling newcomers show up to audition.

The director asks Actor #1 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #1's eyes widen. He shakes his head. "That would be wrong. I am fine with shooting a rape scene, but not with Jessica Soho." The producer asks why not. Actor #1 says, "Jessica Soho is an accomplished journalist. She is brave, intelligent, and widely respected. If it were with someone stupid and shallow, it would probably be OK."

And with that, the producer and director say, "Thank you for your time. And best of luck." Actor #1 leaves.

The director asks Actor #2 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #2 straightens his stance. "Only if it is done in a serious manner." The producer tells him the movie is a sex comedy, and people will be expected to laugh while someone is being raped. Actor #2 shakes his head. "Then I'm sorry. Rape should never be treated as a joke."

And with that, the producer and director say, "Thank you for your time. And best of luck." Actor #2 leaves.

The director and producer are now fearing that they will never find the right actor, that they might have to resort to CGI in order to accomplish the rape scene. They call on Actor #3, rather gloomily, certain about how it is going to turn out.

The director asks Actor #3 if he would be OK shooting a rape scene, where he would rape, say, someone like Jessica Soho. Actor #3 nods and says, "Sure." The producer gives a quizzical brow. He tells Actor #3, "This is going to be a sex comedy. People will be expected to laugh while someone is being raped." Actor #3 nods and says, "Sure."

The producer and his director are relieved. They finally found their rapist.

Actor #3 clears his throat. "Under one condition, though."

The producer and his director are quiet for a few seconds. The producer brings himself to ask Actor #3, "What is it?"

"I'll do the rape scene. But only if Jessica Soho is on top of me."

The director shakes his head. "Then that won't be possible. How could you possibly rape someone who's on top of you?"

Actor #3 takes a step back. "Thank you for your time, gentlemen. And best of luck." Actor #3 turns to leave.

The producer jumps from his seat. "Now, wait a minute! I'm sure we can figure something out."

Actor #3 turns to face the director and producer again.

"I would like to know," the producer says. "Why are you only willing to shoot the rape scene with Jessica Soho on top of you?"

Actor #3 takes a deep breath, his eyes bore into theirs. "I do not, and never will, take rape lightly."