Lead Characterisms

Over the years, Lead Character has let go of some of the wisest pieces of advice for his friends. He’s never documented any of them, but he realizes now that it’s about time that he does.

Lead Characterism can be a movement, much like Ayn Rand’s Objectivism. And no, this isn’t entirely narcissistic as Lead Characterism does not have to be about Lead Character himself, but to anyone who wants to be the lead character in the movie of their lives. Lead Character has met hundreds of people. The 434 friends in his Facebook profile is but a pinch. There’s probably 20 more that haven’t added him up yet. And of those 454 people that he’s met in his entire lifetime, only a handful has shown that they are lead characters. Just like Lead Character, most people just do not have the balls to be in the spotlight and just settle for being sidekicks or (gasp!) extras.

So do not be a sidekick or an (gasp!) extra anymore. Learn from Lead Character.

• Physics and Calculus have opposing definitions when it comes to Love. In Physics, Love is like Energy; it can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transferred. In Calculus, Love = DNE. It would make sense for Lead Character to go with Calculus. Because with Calculus, it would follow that Pain = DNE. Because think about it. What happens when you lose Energy? You get backlogs at work!
• In a post-apocalyptic world, the only useful people are doctors, architects, carpenters, farmers, and scientists. But perhaps during idle time while rebuilding society, performers, especially comedians, will come in handy. Athletes will be very useful, too, but not as athletes. The scary part is that, for sure, politicians will still push for themselves as important.
• There is no such thing as pre-marital sex if you do not intend to or cannot get married. For some, it's simply pre-dinner, or pre-2012. Hopefully, though, not pre-school or postmortem.
• It is fine to be stuck in the past, just not physically.
• In Third World culinary, white vinegar and Sprite can be substitute for white wine.
• If someone steals your cell phone, steal it right back.
• If you let the cat out of the bag, be prepared for it to go “meow!”
• Do not let a tiger out of the bag. Never!
• Lesbians are fun to hang out with.
• Cameron Diaz is annoying.
• What looks like a wart can be a tumor all along. Do not attempt to cauterize it with Lion-Tiger katol. Consult your doctor.
• When you have no sense of direction, the less things upset you.
• There’s no such thing as living in the moment. You can be having fun with your friends, seemingly enjoying yourself, but there’s always that thing hovering about you that you cannot get rid of: it could be issues at home, an ex you still can’t get over, or an ingrown nail.
• Find humor in your heartache and you’ll be fine.

That’s all that Lead Character can remember for now. Until next time!

No Other Woman (2011)

A former American boss Lead Character had once said: "Cover your ears, Lead Character, because you are not going to like what I am about to say." Then he turned to his colleague. "So many people here cheat. Cheating is like an epidemic in this country."

Lead Character squirmed in his seat. He didn't quite get why his boss would say such a thing, when in the U.S., their former President, while in office, was caught sticking his dick in an intern's mouth.

Thankfully, the colleague answered: "But it's not just here. Cheating is everywhere."

Right on! But the bigger challenge may be here in the Philippines, because when a spouse cheats, you do not have the option to divorce. So how Filipinos handle infidelity is not so much as easy as handling it in the U.S., where you can just threaten your spouse of taking everything he/she's got.

Such challenge is portrayed admirably in the movie No Other Woman, directed by Ruel S. Bayani, written by Kris Gazmen, Jay Fernando, and Keiko Aquino. Admirable because everything is so hammy right off the bat it's hardly real life. The very first scene finds Cara (Anne Curtis) emerging from the water as if she were in a canned tuna commercial. She just walks towards the shore with brazen sexuality, without even tilting her head repeatedly to get seawater off her ear. And that's how Lead Character found the movie admirable. They could have taken themselves too seriously and Lead Character would have puked inside the theater. Instead, it was done with a kind of self-ridicule that Lead Character is not unfamiliar with.

The series of banters between the mistress, Cara, and the wife, Sharmaine (Christine Reyes), is an instant classic. Mistresses and wives in real life will now have something to say to each other without having to go on an all-out catfight. They will now settle with sarcasm, with repressed rage pulsing desperately to erupt. Instead of talking about their husbands directly, they will use designer bags as an allusion to their men.

Lead Character cannot blame the long line at the theaters on the movie's opening day. The trailer was deemed one of the best everyone has seen in recent years. The last movie trailer that affected Lead Character so much was the one for I Am Sam (2001), only to get disappointed upon watching the movie itself. But No Other Woman did not disappoint. Its trailer really was just the tip of the iceberg. The movie contained more classic banters between Cara and Sharmaine that one could hope for, and even more memorable lines from Sharmaine's mother (Carmi Martin), that despite Lead Character's plan of sleeping through the movie, he stayed up the whole time.

When the husband, Ram (Derek Ramsay), was caught with a hickey on his neck, he just maintained that he was stung by a jellyfish. So Sharmaine's mother commented: "Ganyan talaga pag galing sa makakating dikya. . .nagmamarka." ("That's how it is if it comes from itchy jellyfish. . .it leaves a mark.")

Who the hell can sleep through that?

Seriously, No Other Woman is that fun. So fun that you don't want it to end, especially that it has a lazy ending. Because the writers probably ran out of ideas on how to end the story properly, they relied on the best way to resolve problems: a life-threatening vehicular accident.

Yes, that's a spoiler. Ram gets into a car accident, forcing Cara to back away and Sharmaine to forgive her husband.

So to sum everything up: it's a fun movie, but you already know the ending, so don't watch it.

Rakenrol (2011)

Rakenrol by Quark Henares is one of those movies that, after watching, makes you just want to head on home and write a scathing review of.

Lead Character was a fan of Quark Henares's writing. He has a friend who went to Ateneo for college and used to give Lead Character copies of Heights, the literary portfolio of their school. Quark Henares had short stories there that stood out. Lead Character felt that this young helmer had huge potential in defining a generation through films. When Quark Henares came out with Gamitan (2002), Lead Character was excited, but was ultimately disappointed. He thought Rakenrol would change all that, hoping that it would be our answer to Almost Famous.

Not. A. Chance.

What would have made the film better was if the fictional band in there, Hapipaks, were actually good. But they weren't. The lead vocalist, Irene, played by Glaiza de Castro, sang like Dina Bonnevie back when she had a career in music. And their songs were--for lack of better word--bleh. It's sacrilegious because they got cameos from Sugarfree and Ely Buendia, and they should have been in better movies.

The only good things about the movie were the character Jacci Rocha (Diether Ocampo), who was hilarious, and Mo (Ketchup Eusebio), who was the only one who could convince us that he's in a rock band. And well, yeah, Alwyn Uytingco's gorgeous face.

That being said, if you want to waste your time watching some pretentious, pseudo-rock movie horseshit, watch Rakenrol. Otherwise, just watch Zombadings again.

Lead Character Answers Miss Universe 2011 Questions

If you could trade lives with anyone in history, who would it be and why?

Boa noite, Brasil!

I would trade lives with Adolf Hitler.

Just kidding! But you should see the look on your faces.

Would you change your religious beliefs to marry the person you love? Why and why not?

I do not have any religious beliefs to change, because I do not believe in religion. I'd say that I do not believe in God, but I already ruined your night when I said I'd trade lives with Adolf Hitler, so I'll just keep that to myself. Also, I cannot marry the person that I love because it is not allowed in my country, or in most parts of the world, for that matter.

Obrigado, Brasil!

Nude beaches are common in some parts of the country. Is public nudity appropriate or inappropriate and why?

I like even tans, right down to the ass.

Obrigado por ter me, Brasil!

What would you do to avoid fighting a war that you did not agree with?

Just act busy.

Olá, Brasil! Como você está fazendo?

If you could change one of your physical characteristics, which one would it be and why?

I'd love for my teeth to be smaller.

Você está bem, o Brasil?

Grammar Weekly - Lay or Lie?

"Lay" and "lie" are tricky words, in that they get confusing because of their past tense and past participle forms.

Here, we end the confusion once and for all using, as per ushe, sexually explicit examples to keep things interesting.

First, let's discuss the difference between lay and lie.

• Lay is a transitive (meaning it involves a direct object) verb that means "to put or set down."
  E.g., Lay the used condom on the floor to freak out your roommates.
  
• Lie is an intransitive (meaning it does not involve anything or anyone to act on) verb that means "to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position."
  E.g., Lie down, bitch, and relax your ass because this is one hell of a fist!

Now that you're more confident in the use of "lay" and "lie," let's get to the trickier part: their past tense forms.

• Lay in past tense is laid.
  Incorrect: My roommates freaked out when they saw the used condom that I lay there last night.
  Correct: My roommates freaked out when they saw the used condom that I laid there last night.
  
• Lie in past tense is lay.
  Incorrect: He laid there all morning because his ass was sore.
  Correct: He lay there all morning because his ass was sore.

Not too bad, isn't it? You now think you're going to impress your date when you use "lay" and "lie" in their past tense forms perfectly, don't you? Well, not too fast. We still have the past participles to discuss.

• Lay in past participle form, just like its past tense, is laid.
  E.g., I should not have laid the used condom on the floor for everyone to see because my disgusted roommates repaid my prank by having me eat it.
• Lie in past participle form is lain.
  E.g., I would have lain in bed all day if not for your text message asking me to take you to the hospital, you cheating fist-slut!

Sources:
http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000233.htm
http://www.webster.com

10 Things About "Zombadings 1: Patayin sa Shokot si Remington"

1. Writers (Jade Castro, Michiko Yamamoto, Raymond Lee) of mostly tearjerker films (Endo, Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros, Magnifico, Anak, Milan) collaborated to come up with this hysterical comedy.
2. Funniest bit: Daniel Fernando's character giving an impassioned speech on why he hates gays.
3. Martin Escudero (the guy who plays Remington) has gorgeous eyes.
4. Kerbie Zamora (the guy who plays Remington's best friend) is crazy hot.
5. Lead Character needs to procure a similar hairdryer-shaped gaydar.
6. Almost everyone in the audience thinks guy-on-guy action is hilarious, especially between straight male best friends. Lead Character just sank in his seat, hoping it would turn pornographic, much to his dismay.
7. John Regala is the Ray Liotta of the Philippines.
8. This movie deserves more than one viewing. There are just a handful of subtle but funny bits that you could miss if you don't pay enough attention to the entire screen.
9. 'Ang Babae sa Septic Tank' is funnier and much more cohesive, not that a comparison is necessary.
10. This needs a wide international release, especially in North America. The challenge is how to make swardspeak subtitles as funny as they're supposed to be. The title alone is quite difficult to translate into English. Lead Character proposes the following: "Zombiatches 1: Scare the Living Gaylights Out of Remington." (OK, that probably wouldn't work. Any ideas?)

How Lead Character Lost His Fifth Cell Phone

Season 2 Episode 12
(Season 2 Finale)

Lead Character is drunk again. After two pitchers of Blue Imagination, a strong yet tasty concoction from Karaoke5 (a karaoke hangout), Lead Character’s world starts spinning. And with its spinning comes the carnal desire to shuffle on the dance floor. So after an engrossing discussion on love, sex, books, and fecal matter with most of the usual guest stars—JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, Jorit, Beaj—Lead Character decides it’s time to head off to Twelve, a tiny, suffocating bar that Lead Character and other phallus enthusiasts frequent. Of course, JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, and Jorit are not big on phalluses (or is it phalli?), so he goes there instead with Beaj, picking up BobbinThread, another phallus fan, along the way.

Lead Character admires BobbinThread in superlative magnitude. Several months ago, BobbinThread quit a high-paying job in financial services to pursue his passion in fashion design. He just dropped everything, went to fashion school, then came back and opened his own shop. Now he's dressing up people and life couldn't be more thrilling for him. To quote a line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there." Lead Character feels that unlike BobbinThread, he still has his balls tucked between his legs, and they're tiny.

After hours of sweating their armpits off, Beaj decides it’s time to head on home, leaving BobbinThread and Lead Character to reign over the dance floor all by themselves.

BOBBINTHREAD: I am sooo drunk right now. . .

LEAD CHARACTER: Me, too!

BOBBINTHREAD: . . .sooo drunk, because it's the only manageable thing to be right now.

Lead Character nods in agreement, because if he were in BobbinThread’s shoes, he’d prefer to be in a drunken state as well.

(Flashback: Five hours earlier. . .Lead Character receives a text message from BobbinThread.

“My father only has three months to live, maximum. He needs chemotherapy ASAP.”

Lead Character doesn’t know how to react to the message. He knows no words could ever save BobbinThread’s dad from cancer. All he can really do at this point is just be there for his friend.)

BobbinThread grabs a guy to dance with Lead Character, who immediately obliges. A couple of guys, one in a GRAY SHIRT and another in RED, pass by. Lead Character grabs them to dance with a young white man who’s been dancing all by himself. After a few minutes, GRAY SHIRT and RED free themselves from the white man.

BOBBINTHREAD: I like the guy in red.

LEAD CHARACTER: I like the guy in red for you.

A couple of hours later, BobbinThread and LeadCharacter find themselves outside Twelve, physically exhausted but still high in spirit. Palermo, the bar right next to Twelve, is a fun one. It’s infested with whores who only respond to foreigners, so the underappreciated locals tend to enjoy the attention they get from phallus enthusiasts.

LEAD CHARACTER: Let’s get in there!

BOBBINTHREAD: Let’s!

As they head into the next bar, they notice that GRAY SHIRT and RED are right in front of them.

BOBBINTHREAD: It’s RED! I want to dance with him!

LEAD CHARACTER: In that case, I’m having GRAY SHIRT!

So off they go dancing with the guys. Lead Character makes a bold move and pulls GRAY SHIRT closer towards him. GRAY SHIRT happily grinds with Lead Character.

LEAD CHARACTER (V.O.): Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!

Just then, GRAY SHIRT pulls himself away from Lead Character and grabs RED with him. They start off to leave. Squinting at the two young men, Lead Character runs his hands on his pockets. His phone is gone.

So that’s it, just like that, Lead Character loses his fifth cell phone. He also lost a couple of his first four cell phones in a similar manner. Lead Character decides he’s not going to have any of it anymore; he has got to grow some balls!

He runs and catches up with GRAY SHIRT, hugging him from behind. Lead Character feels GRAY SHIRT’S pants pocket. It’s definitely his cellphone in there. Katy Perry’s “Firework” blares through the speakers as Lead Character fishes his phone out.

LEAD CHARACTER (cheerfully): Hey! You have my cellphone!

GRAY SHIRT ignores Lead Character and just continues walking away, nervously tailing his friend.

And just like that, Lead Character loses his cell phone, but gets it back immediately using, for what seems like the first time, a pair of balls. If there’s anything worth noting about life, it’s that it is short. One moment it’s your first day at school gaining new friends, the next you’re years beyond college life trying to stay afloat in various ways, because the older you get, the more you have things bringing you down—you have another friend who might be burying his parent soon, and you have a dead-end job to always go back to after your highly anticipated drunken weekends. So it all boils down to which side of the fence you want to end up on—the fucker side or the fucked.

Lead Character, props to him, chose the badass freakfucker side tonight.

Grammar Weekly - Squinting Modifiers

It's time again for another segment of Grammar Weekly. Lead Character's friend, Punky, encouraged him to keep at it because of its importance. Hence this.

Our topic for today is all about modifiers, and how they sometimes squint in a sentence.

To refresh your memory, modifiers are what you add in your sentence to add details to an otherwise bland statement. It's the seasoning on your meat, they're the spices that make plain vinegar pinakurat, the wattle that completes your double chin. . .you get the drift, right? Simply put, they're the adjectives and adverbs in your sentences.

As an adjective: The man who can't be moved just waits in the corner.

As an adverb: He just stands there like he can't be moved.

Now, what happens when modifiers squint?

When a modifier squints, it would seem like it's modifying either the subject preceding or succeeding it, as is in the following example:

"Masturbating often causes clear skin."

Now, that sentence is clearly ambiguous (clearly ambiguous, ha! Could I be any more ironic?), and would confuse a lot of masturbators. Is it when they regularly masturbate that they get clear skin? Or does the act of masturbation itself cause clear skin most of the time? If your sentence offers the same ambiguity, you need to fix your modifier.

And that's it for now. Next week, if I see another post on Facebook about people having a "pictorial," I will discuss the difference between a pictorial and a photo shoot IN ALL FRICKIN' CAPS!!!

But for now, if you want to read up more about modifiers, and how they not only squint, but dangle and get misplaced sometimes, click here.

Lead Character Likes It Creamy

(Season 2, Episode 11 - Finally, after a long hiatus)

Carbonara, in case you were thinking of something bodily. Lead Character doesn't like the real carbonara, which is dry. Gladly, most cafes he's been to serve their carbonara creamy. He's only been to one restaurant that served authentic carbonara, and he couldn't finish it. It was at Vue, a pretty little place at the Cebu Yacht Club, and while their other dishes were phenomenal, Lead Character had trouble downing their penne pasta carbonara.

So today, after work, Lead Character decides to make himself creamy carbonara, grabbing the recipe from pinoyfoodblog. He'd made the same carbonara last Christmas, but he wasn't able to release the entire affair as an episode because his brother deleted the photos he took of the undertaking.

It's actually supposed to be potato wedges for today, but after a prior attempt that involved their oven exploding in front of his face, making him, his mother, and his aunt yelp like helpless little girls, Lead Character decided to steer clear of baking for now.

The ingredients:

Lead Character decides not to follow pinoyfoodblog completely. Instead of the suggested Spinach Fettuccine, he picks 400g of regular spaghetti. The reason? Budget constraints. He also doesn't bother with the nutmeg. Since he had parsley flakes from his attempt at potato wedges, he decides that will make for a proper replacement. Of course there's 2 cans of Cream of Mushroom, 250ml All Purpose Cream, 1 head of garlic, olive oil, and a cup of instant Korean noodles. Why the Korean noodles, you ask? Well, it's in case Lead Character screws up the sauce and pasta and gets too hungry to cook another batch. Not appearing in the photo are parmesan cheese and the generally needed salt and pepper.

As Lead Character starts cooking the pasta, a major problem arises. The flame doesn't get high enough to boil water. He's already salted it and mixed with drips of olive oil so the pasta won't stick, but it never boils. An hour into it, out of desperation and impatience, Lead Character drops the pasta. And this is where the cup of Korean noodles becomes the hero. Already hungry, Lead Character decides it's time to devour a whole cup.

Surprisingly, the pasta cooks al dente, after almost half an hour of swimming in simmering water. But the real challenge now is preparing the sauce. The flame is just not high enough to cook the meat. Lead Character calls up his mother but she doesn't believe him that their stove might be broken once again.

Lead Character's aunt comes to the rescue. He sees her boiling water in her teeny weeny dirty kitchen, so he pleads for him to cook there. She lets him.

The rest of the cooking goes a lot smoother and faster this time. The end result is a carbonara sauce whose consistency is very much to Lead Character's liking.

Serving suggestion:

Top with parmesan cheese on a cafeteria type of plate to make the dish even more ravishing. See? See?

And now the real challenge: eating the thing. Lead Character thinks it is not that bad. Lead Character's sister likes it better than the one he made last Christmas. Unfortunately, after a while, it does get really. . .I'm having trouble picking the English word for it. . .but in Cebuano the word is ngilngig. . .and the only word I can come up with off the top of my head is. . .Schwarzeneggerey. Yes, after a while, Lead Character's ideal creamy carbonara gets really Schwarzeneggerey.

If You Ever Plan on Going to Camsur. . .

Do not book your flight with AirPhil. I repeat, do not book your flight with AirPhil.

Months ago, JabberedOnion found online that AirPhil was having promo fares for flights to different domestic destinations. She immediately notified Lead Character and the rest of the gang about it so they can have another group vacation after their super-awesome Pinatubo adventure. Their choice of destination: Camarines Sur--to try out wakeboarding at the Camsur Watersports Complex and island hopping on the relatively undiscovered Caramoan Islands.

Their outgoing flight was supposed to be from Cebu to Naga City and ingoing from Naga City to Cebu, all direct. But a day before their scheduled flight, NonFacebooker found out from a coworker that all direct AirPhil flights between Cebu and Naga have been cancelled. Immediately, NonFacebooker notified Lead Character to have this confirmed. Conferencing in NonFacebooker to the call Lead Character placed with AirPhil customer service, they found out that this is true, and that their flight had been re-routed from Cebu to Manila, Manila to Legaspi City, a good two hours away from Naga City. Same goes for their return flight: Legaspi City, Manila, and then Cebu. Lead Character's eyes popped out from their sockets. This just cannot be happening! With all the traveling they'd be doing then, they'd be required to get up at two in the morning just to catch their flights. The bigger trouble is that from Caramoan, the boat ride to the port is more than an hour, and boats aren't even available whenever they want. And the most distressing thing was that all flights to and from Naga City were already full.

To make the long story short, it took for Lead Character's phone bill to go up to Php2,500 and a couple of stops at AirPhil offices just to make it possible for them to switch their airport back to Naga City. They didn't mind the connecting flights, what worried them was the re-route to Legaspi, which would just ruin a long-awaited vacation.

The only good thing about AirPhil was the customer service rep they spoke with, Kathy (or probably her name was with a C). Even if Lead Character and NonFacebooker were already pissed about the situation, taking no for an answer and almost yelling, Kathy remained her calm and made it possible for them to be able to switch airports.