Joy Bee decides to treat Lead Character and friends to dinner as a post-birthday gathering. Present, as always, are JabberedOnion, NonFacebooker, Madonna, and TamponRiot. On their way to the restaurant, Lead Character shares his current fascination with Kitchen Nightmares, one of the many shows headlined by Chef Gordon Ramsay. Lead Character can't quite explain it, but whenever he watches Chef Ramsay get all intense and hammy, he gets a series of tiny orgasms. TamponRiot points out that Chef Ramsay, despite not having the prettiest face, is fuckable. Chef Gordon Ramsay is an Ugly Fuckable.
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| Photo taken from elitechoice.org |
But the real challenge is coming up with those who have pretty faces, but are completely unfuckable--Pretty Unfuckables. Lead Character and friends are able to come up with a few, but the discussion here is filled with long minutes of staring at blank space trying to think of celebrities who are pretty but whom they have no desire of fucking.
There's Judy Ann Santos, who's pretty by Lead Character's standards, but inspires nothing sexual at all. Lea Salonga and Tina Fey come up, mostly because you cannot fuck goddesses. Someone suggests Kris Aquino, but it is met with protests because while she is unfuckable, she is not pretty to begin with. Jason Priestley is also suggested, but only circa "Beverly Hills 90210"; as he aged, he became more and more fuckable. Joy Bee suggests Lucy Torres and everyone agrees--all except JabberedOnion, much to everyone's bewilderment. TamponRiot brings up Ben Affleck, whose Pretty Unfuckability is supposed to be a consensus in America. Lead Character disagrees. Just like Kris Aquino, Ben Affleck is not pretty at all.
The night ends with everyone exhausted from all the eating and thinking at the same time. But they decide to do it again soon. Maybe for next dinner, they'll talk about Fuckable Politicians (Lead Character already thinks Bill Clinton and, um, well, yeah, Manny Pacquiao).
Note: You've probably been rolling your eyeballs the whole time you were reading this. In Lead Character's defense, he and his friends were talking about celebrities. Also, he and his friends are above the personalities under discussion because they are, in their own innate and inalienable right, pretty and fuckable. Wad-dup!
To make an alliteration, I suppose you could call them the Fugly Fuckables? Fuguckables? Or maybe fugLuckables because they're so fugly they'd be lucky to get fucked?
ReplyDeleteI laughed at the bit about Kris Aquino. Cest vrais. But I must contest to the classification of Tina Fey as unfuckable. Just IMO. Funny is hot. Hot is fuckable. Ergo, Tina is fuckable. (Those Palin impressions kill me every time.) Which brings me to my own personal fuguckables: Bill Hader, also of SNL... and maybe... Josh Koscheck who, despite the peroxide-blonde Bozo the Clown hair, has a body and temper I could get on board with. Mmm.. I suppose it's a matter of personal taste.
Do you watch UFC fights, Lead Character? =)
8: the number of times variations of the word fuck were used in this comment.
i very much agree! funny is hot. tina fey was brought up just because lead character and friends have so much respect for her. :)
ReplyDeletei like fuguckables. that should catch on! hehehe. although i learned that ugly fuckables are also called fugly, as fugly can either be fucking ugly or fuckable ugly (according to urbandictionary.com, if you actually believe everything that they say).
no, i haven't seen a single ufc fight. are there tons of ugly fuckables there????
i love your writing, btw. will lurk in your blog when i'm freed up from work. :)
Hi, L.C. Thanks! =) You should so watch UFC. Tons of pretties there with rock hard bodies, too!
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing like watching two solid men trying to give each other concussions. (while 'mounting' each other, using the art of 'BJJ', Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, that is) It's all quite titillating. ;-)
My favorites are Georges St. Pierre and BJ Penn and close third Brandon Vera (who is Filipino, btw). =)
I like this post. It definitely brightened my hectic day. Hmmm...I'd like to say that Sitting Pretty is quite right regarding UFC. I like to watch UFC but sadly I haven't been able to watch lately. My favorites are also GSP, BJ Penn, Brandon Vera and Vito Belfort.
ReplyDeleteKris Aquino is definitely not pretty and she's not fuckable either (especially post chlamydia infection).