The Art of Teleparablizing

Season 2 Episode 01


Teleparablizing: Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: “That’s just like the episode where Jan lost her glasses!”
- Douglas Coupland, Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture

Lead Character and another one of his close friends, Becky, are exhausted, even if all they did all day was sit in a coffee shop somewhere along Osmeña Blvd. Now they’re sitting again, outside the coffee shop this time, having their last cigarettes before heading on home.

Becky: Yeah, so that’s pretty much it. He’s acting somewhat like my friend again, despite our history together.

Ah, Becky and her history with whatsisname. To make the long story short, it was a love affair that involved a reckless betrayal of trust. And that was almost two years ago. Two years, and the wound still stings fresh for Becky. And now whatsisname texts her like the good old days—days before the love affair started, way long before the reckless betrayal of trust happened.

Lead Character: Maybe he wants more than friendship again, Beck. Why else would he ask you out to watch In My Life? And why would you watch it with him, anyway? You’ve already seen it....

Becky: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I’m over him. I don’t understand why I want to undo that.

Lead Character: Didn’t Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) have a man in her life who broke her heart once, and when they were given a second chance at it, she let him break her heart again? Maybe you want to go Samantha Jones on him.

Becky (heavy sigh): I don’t want to go Samantha Jones on him; I want to go Carrie Bradshaw on him. At the end of the day, it’s safe to say he’s my Mr. Big.

Lead Character: He’s actually more like your Carrie Bradshaw, and you his Aidan Shaw.

Becky: Whatever, Lead Character.

Lead Character: Whatever, Becky.

Long silence.

Becky: Hey, in case I die, will you tell my parents that I want to be cremated? I really think I’m going to die late next year.

Lead Character (eye-roll): Is this about your suspected tumor again? You really have to see a doctor about that so you can stop guessing.

Becky: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I have a tumor.

Lead Character (shifts weight in his seat): Oh, so you already saw an oncologist for that?

Becky: No, female intuition.

Lead Character: This just reminds me of Kitty Walker (Brothers & Sisters). She has cancer now, do you know that?

Becky (shakes head): I don’t really watch Brothers & Sisters.

Lead Character: Oh, well, this is like In My Life then. Luis Manzano’s character had cancer, you know....

Becky: I know. Hey, what happened to your Mr. Big? Any update on the whole unfriending hullabaloo?

Lead Character (laughing): Oh, he is so not my Mr. Big. He’s just plain-old unfriender. No character on TV’s ever unfriended another character on TV, anyway.

Becky: Probably because it’s a lame thing to do. (With conviction) And TV’s never lame!

Lead Character: Right on. I was even tempted to go Blair Waldorf on him, but only for a second. I realized I should just move past it.

Becky: Blair Waldorf...?

Lead Character: Gossip Girl, my dear friend. (Cocking his head) What the hell are you watching these days?

Becky: Uh... So You Think You Can Dance?

Lead Character: Oh, right. Well, we can’t really apply that in real life.

Becky (nodding): I guess we can’t.

Becky and Lead Character put off their final sticks of cigarette and left the coffee shop, calling it a highly productive day.

---

Note to my blog-viewers:

If you have problems you feel you cannot solve on your own, place them in the Comments section here and Lead Character will come up with solutions for you through teleparablizing.

Are you crazy about someone who does not even know you exist? Find out why going Sketch on the person is the best way to go.

Are you getting expelled from school and you have no idea how to handle it? Learn which TV show has proven that the only way past that is to say “Fuck it,” and get into real estate instead.
Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Antichrist (2009)

Photo taken from http://en.wikipedia.org

Things that came into my mind while watching Lars von Trier’s Antichrist for the third time:

1. You cannot call a Lars von Trier movie with just its title. It has to include his name possessively. E.g., I only skimmed through Lars von Trier’s The Idiots, hated the middle part but loved the ending to Lars von Trier’s Dancer in the Dark, and I got bored with the first hour of Lars von Trier’s Antichrist, but I thought the remaining half-hour or so kicked major ass. This is somewhat ironic for a Dogme 95 filmmaker, as when they make Dogme films, they are not supposed to be credited at all. However, Lars von Trier’s Antichrist is not a Dogme film.
2. It would have been fun if Lars von Trier’s Antichrist were a Dogme film. I would not have been subjected to hearing the aria played during the Prologue of the movie, as well as the Epilogue. I do not like arias. I am not cultured enough to tell arias apart. Arias are like Michael Learns to Rock songs; they all sound alike.
3. If Lars von Trier’s Antichrist were a Dogme film, it would have truly been a horror movie. We would have most likely seen Willem Defoe’s turgid penis, and not his porn double’s.
4. It’s difficult to classify Lars von Trier’s Antichrist as a horror movie. When horror movies are brought up, I think Shake, Rattle, and Roll, or those Freddy Kruger movies I only saw some clips of. Lars von Trier’s Antichrist for me, despite all the gore and violence and profundity (so much profundity, in fact, that I didn’t get several intellectual layers of it), is more of a romantic comedy.
5. Lars von Trier’s Antichrist contains a few scenes that are too gruesome to watch. Before watching the movie, I already knew of accounts of moviegoers fainting during its screening at the Cannes Film Festival, and even more recently at the New York Film Festival. When I finally saw those scenes, I thought they were indeed shocking, but only on an amusing level. The third time I watched it with a couple of friends, I could not help but laugh. Hence, I got the comedy part.
6. How I got the romantic part, you would all have to watch the movie to find out.
7. The cinematography is so beautiful it made me want to be a cinematographer. But only for a few minutes because I had to stop myself. I cannot want more things in life. I cannot allow that. It would only make me more miserable. I want to be a monk.
8. I think I’m drunk. Tanduay Ice barely has any alcohol content, but it’s easier to magnify inebriation when one hasn’t had enough sleep.
9. I need to get some sleep. Will probably watch Lars von Trier’s Antichrist for the fourth time when I wake up.
10. zzz
11. Contrary to popular belief, I am not the Antichrist!

Great Boobs of Fire!

(Season One Finale)

Lead Character and Tee, girlfriend of his girl friend Dee, are sitting bored out of their wits outside Seattle's Best at the Terraces. Dee is still inside finishing something on her laptop. By the time she catches up with Lead Character and Tee, the two are already talking about the Roman Polanski case, the term "hebephilia," the song "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morissette, which is about hebephilia, and, as brought up by Tee, the movie Great Balls of Fire!, which is based on the true story of '50s musician Jerry Lee Lewis, who married a 13-year-old.

Dee: OMG, Tee. Do you have to be such a know-it-all?

Tee: Huh? Really? Was I being a know-it-all? It just so happens I remember the movie....

Lead Character: Yeah, I never really got that know-it-all vibe from you....

Lead Character stops and checks out the guy passing by. The guy has smooth, probably medically-enhanced, skin, and gigantic, gym-developed pecs.

Lead Character (to Dee and Tee): Man, look at those man-boobs! That guy is hot!

Dee knots her brows at Lead Character, right before taking a bat from her purse and clubbing Lead Character with it on the head.

Dee: You horny bitch! Don't you recognize the girl that he's with?

Lead Character (while massaging his bleeding temples): Huh? Who?

Tee: Oh, yeah! I recognize her.

Lead Character (squints at Recognizable Girl): Oh, yeah!

Dee (teary-eyed): OMG! We have to have our picture taken with her! OMG!

Lead Character: OMG! Let's! Let's!

Tee: Um, hehe, yeah, I'll just pass.

Dee and Lead Character hurry off to Recognizable Girl. Other losers mall customers are already having their pictures taken with her.

Dee and Lead Character: Hi, Recognizable Girl! Can we go next!

Recognizable Girl (with a friendly yet uncomfortable smile): Sure, sure!

After Lead Character takes Dee's picture with Recognizable Girl, Lead Character stands right next to Recognizable Girl, whom he realizes now must play Lead Character in Lead Character Chronicles: The Movie.

Dee raises her Blackberry in front of them.

Dee: Say Cheese!

CLICK!

Lead Character (telling himself): This is sooo going on my blog!

Kinatay (2009)

Photo taken from http://blogs.villagevoice.com

Reviewing a movie like Kinatay (English title: The Execution of P) will prove to be quite a challenge if (a) you watched it in one of the seedy movie houses on Colon Street, (b) the only trailer shown during the screening was this laugh-out-loud-funny sex drama called Salat, (c) you’re not sure if you caught the ending or not, and most importantly since (d), it’s directed by brutal and unsympathetic auteur Brilliante Mendoza, who, just earlier this year, was booed at the Cannes Film Festival for winning Best Director for the movie in question.

For (a), no other movie house in the city chose to screen Kinatay but this old-school movie house somewhere in the Colon area that’s infamous for, well, I’d rather not say. Let’s just put it this way: some moviegoers walked all around the theater the whole time, which made my friends fear for their belongings. I tried to convince them that unless they had a penis, they had nothing to worry about. (They were all female friends, by the way). The one good thing about the movie house being seedy, though, is that since there was no air-conditioning, you’re free to smoke while watching the movie. It actually felt very bourgeois, considering.

(b) Salat is a rare gem. The trailer starts with a naked man and woman who appear to be having sex, but they could very well be just lying down side-by-side caressing each other. I’d like to say it was foreplay, but it seemed too boring to be one. But what makes the movie Salat really stand out from the rest is the acting; it’s hysterical! One scene involves the lead girl pacing around at the beach, in knee-high water, and in a nightgown all mad and distressed, the reason for which is, and I can only guess, she cannot have the man of her dreams. So she paces around crying, screaming, seemingly unsure of what to do next, and then she dives into the water—for an evening swim or to commit suicide, I will never know. Through the trailer alone, I can tell that the screenplay is a winning masterpiece. The lead girl gets consoled by a friend (or a sister) with the following words: “Siya na lang kaya ang pakasalan mo. Total, guapo naman siya at mayaman.” (“Why don’t you marry him instead? He’s handsome and rich, anyway.”) Props to the writer/s for coming up with such a complex character, because apparently, the lead girl does not want to settle for just handsome and rich. Maybe she’s looking for someone no Austen leading man could measure up to? Perhaps, perhaps.

(c) The version of Kinatay that we watched ended abruptly, without the end credits or anything. I felt really uneasy so I turned around to wave at the projectionist in the projection booth behind us. Lo and behold, the projection never came from the projection booth all along as in a regular theater, but rather, at the very front of the balcony, in front of where me and my friends were sitting. So I approached the projectionist and asked him if that was the end of the movie. He said yes. It was too obvious, though, that the movie was not played from a reel, but, I think, from a pirated DVD, so whatever the real ending is, I will only know if and when a legit copy of the movie comes out.

(d) Brilliante Mendoza is brutal and unsympathetic because he does not seem to care what his audience thinks or feels. He just tells the story as it is, with a certain level of detachment that he himself seems like just another spectator. Worse, he’s completely ignored that virtually everyone, even those who claim to be the snobbiest of cinephiles, grew up on Hollywood movies, and would look for proper lighting and scoring. Mendoza might as well be a Dogme filmmaker, because all light and sounds coming from the movie seem to have been shot as they were. No enhancements whatsoever. This does not work all the time. However, in a movie like Kinatay, all the terror is magnified instead. You cannot see much of what’s going on, but you know it’s happening and it gives you chills. This probably contributed to why the movie was walked out on.

See, here’s how the story goes: Peping (Coco Martin) is a newly-wed criminology student who gets invited to run some errand along with other policemen, including Kap (Julio Diaz), the captain of the city’s police force. Unfortunately, they do not go out to do police work but to execute Madonna (Maria Isabel Lopez), a bar girl who owes Kap drug money (Kap, by the way, also happens to be the drug kingpin in the area). When the men start beating Madonna up inside the van, with barely enough light to make anything out, that all you have to make use of primarily is your sense of hearing—you hear Madonna’s pleading for the men to stop, the van running, the dull thuds of the men’s fists and the soles of their shoes stamping all over Madonna—right at that moment, you are placed in Peping’s shoes, who’s too shocked to do anything, too afraid to protest. For Peping, it’s a long night, one horrific nightmare that he wishes to get out of, especially when the situation elevates to the men raping Madonna before chopping up her body parts. The difference between the audience member and Peping is, the audience can easily walk out of that nightmare; Peping has no choice but to play along and stay calm, even to the point of helping out in disposing of Madonna’s body parts. If you’re one of the audience members that sticks to the end (or whatever ending the theater you're watching the movie in offers you), you’re probably sick in the head. That, or you’re in that Colon theater walking around, looking for, well, I’d rather not say.

One of my former bosses pointed out to me that Kinatay seems to be a rip-off of Training Day (Antoine Fuqua). He said that just like Training Day, Kinatay is about a good cop being put in a situation where he is forced to be bad. Well, having seen both movies, I can say that both are just too different to be compared. Next to Kinatay, Training Day seems more like a colorful Disney movie. I can even picture Ethan Hawke now bursting into “Part of Your World,” flipping his fins. This isn’t saying I like one more than the other. I like Kinatay for how different it is, and how real it felt, even at the risk of sounding like a complete psychopath. But I also like Training Day because of great writing, good acting, and top-grade lighting and scoring.

I can totally understand why people hate Kinatay. I even understand why film critic Roger Ebert would deem it unwatchable. But I can also understand why Brilliante Mendoza won Best Director for it. If I were in Cannes that time, watching Brilliante Mendoza accept his award, I would never have booed. I would have probably lit a cigarette, nodding, nodding.